adBlockCheck

Will Somebody Please Lance My Bloated Gut?

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Will Somebody Please Lance My Bloated Gut?

I loved you, gratis smorgasbord, and look what you have done. The agony of my inflated abdomen is too much to endure. I’ve consumed antacid tablets by the handful and found no relief in their soothing mintiness. A laborious walk around the shuffleboard courts helped no-thing. A trip to the privy only worsened my condition. I’ve em-ployed glasses of bi-carbonate, cool rags to the forehead, heat compresses on my midriff, and supine positioning—all to no avail. There is no end to my misery nigh. I see only one solution: Will somebody please lance my bloated gut?

Never again will I fill past full on complimentary double tequila sunrises. Never again feast to surfeit upon the seafood salad with the tempting shell macaroni and meticulously diced celery! Never again glut myself with cocktail weenies swimming in sauce! No more teeny tacos and seven-layer salad. Imitation crab roll-ups, you are my nemesis. Cheese and crackers—no and never! Oh, evil poolside bar. Happy hour, you are so ironically named!

If no one will relieve my tribulation, then push my reclining deck chair to the luxurious Scandinavian Dawn’s edge and roll me over. I will bounce and bob like an apple until some barracuda, my finned agent of compassion, mercifully heeds my call of distress. My God, why have you forsaken me? If there is a power in the heavens above, I beseech you—though I cannot lower myself to my knees—please be clement and alleviate this pressure in my belly.

You stare up at me with your pimento pupils yet, green olives? Oh, bacon- wrapped water chestnut, you beckon me forward but I shall not heed the call. The many colors of Muenster, Cheddar, Swiss and Colby... so alluringly patchworked on the plate. How could I have resisted you? I am but a man. Still the ambrosia bubbles in the fondue pot! The fruit tray burgeons with tantalizing strawberries and extravagant kiwi, orange slices complementing the exotic mangos. Just hours ago I cried, “More little eggrolls on toothpicks, more individual cheesecake cups! You sluggish costumed servant, bring more!” Now the unceasing pain in my inflated paunch is so great, I wish only to die.

These five days and four nights on the definitive Funline cruiser were to be a dream realized, but instead the temptation of unlimited resources and the luxury of unoccupied hours upon the open sea have brought on this odious, hypertumescent state. I could approximate the worth of the food items I have consumed and subtract them from the cruise package ticket price, surely finding that I have come out in the advantage, but what have I gained? The quest for bargain is my Achilles heel. Remove those napkin- wrapped drumsticks from your purse, my lovely wife, and let us call it a miserable defeat.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close