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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Will Somebody Please Lance My Bloated Gut?

I loved you, gratis smorgasbord, and look what you have done. The agony of my inflated abdomen is too much to endure. I’ve consumed antacid tablets by the handful and found no relief in their soothing mintiness. A laborious walk around the shuffleboard courts helped no-thing. A trip to the privy only worsened my condition. I’ve em-ployed glasses of bi-carbonate, cool rags to the forehead, heat compresses on my midriff, and supine positioning—all to no avail. There is no end to my misery nigh. I see only one solution: Will somebody please lance my bloated gut?

Never again will I fill past full on complimentary double tequila sunrises. Never again feast to surfeit upon the seafood salad with the tempting shell macaroni and meticulously diced celery! Never again glut myself with cocktail weenies swimming in sauce! No more teeny tacos and seven-layer salad. Imitation crab roll-ups, you are my nemesis. Cheese and crackers—no and never! Oh, evil poolside bar. Happy hour, you are so ironically named!

If no one will relieve my tribulation, then push my reclining deck chair to the luxurious Scandinavian Dawn’s edge and roll me over. I will bounce and bob like an apple until some barracuda, my finned agent of compassion, mercifully heeds my call of distress. My God, why have you forsaken me? If there is a power in the heavens above, I beseech you—though I cannot lower myself to my knees—please be clement and alleviate this pressure in my belly.

You stare up at me with your pimento pupils yet, green olives? Oh, bacon- wrapped water chestnut, you beckon me forward but I shall not heed the call. The many colors of Muenster, Cheddar, Swiss and Colby... so alluringly patchworked on the plate. How could I have resisted you? I am but a man. Still the ambrosia bubbles in the fondue pot! The fruit tray burgeons with tantalizing strawberries and extravagant kiwi, orange slices complementing the exotic mangos. Just hours ago I cried, “More little eggrolls on toothpicks, more individual cheesecake cups! You sluggish costumed servant, bring more!” Now the unceasing pain in my inflated paunch is so great, I wish only to die.

These five days and four nights on the definitive Funline cruiser were to be a dream realized, but instead the temptation of unlimited resources and the luxury of unoccupied hours upon the open sea have brought on this odious, hypertumescent state. I could approximate the worth of the food items I have consumed and subtract them from the cruise package ticket price, surely finding that I have come out in the advantage, but what have I gained? The quest for bargain is my Achilles heel. Remove those napkin- wrapped drumsticks from your purse, my lovely wife, and let us call it a miserable defeat.

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