Will You Or Will You Not Be My Back-Door Man, Kevin Lindauer?

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Vol 31 Issue 09

Tom Bosley Named Secretary Of Naps

WASHINGTON, DC—Beloved veteran actor Tom Bosley, star of Happy Days and Father Dowling Mysteries, was appointed U.S. Secretary of Naps Tuesday. "I think the American people can be comfortable with Mr. Bosley's solid record on napping," President Clinton said. "He will serve our nation's napping interests well." Bosley's platform includes a 20-minute snooze at his desk during daylight hours, an occasional dozing-off toward the end of the day, and prolonged weekend lie-downs at home in the early evening hours, when, Bosley said, "I tend to get really sleepy."

Twentysomething Generation Turns 35

AUSTIN, TX—Advertising agencies across the nation reacted with shock Monday, when the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that the mean age of the "twentysomething generation" is now 35. According to the report, the twentysomethings are no longer 20- to 29-year-olds who wear ripped flannel shirts and "hang out" on college campuses. Most are now married and have full-time jobs. Todd Leaks, an Austin-area twentysomething, recently turned 36. "I was 28 when that book Generation X came out," he said. "Man, that was a while ago already." Labels previously ascribed to the twentysomethings, such as "Generation X" and "slackers," have now been transferred to those Americans born between 1968 and 1977, who have also adopted the clothing styles and musical tastes of the twentysomethings.

Visa Fires Bob Dole

NEW YORK—Credit-card giant Visa announced Tuesday that Bob Dole has been dropped from its current "No ID" advertising campaign. "The American people were just not responding to Bob Dole," Visa director of corporate communications Ron Landau said. "People found him to be depressing." When asked how he felt about being fired, Dole said, "I can say my line differently if you want. Tell me how I'm supposed to say my line." He then burst into tears.

Congress Approves $15 Billion MediCruelty

WASHINGTON, DC—With a rapidly aging populace in increasing need of medical care, Congress approved funding Monday for MediCruelty, a new system of health care which focuses on cruelty toward the elderly. "Care is very expensive," Sen. Al D'Amato (R-NY) said. "It will be much more cost-effective in the long run to be cruel to the elderly." The system will offer seniors Emergency Neglect Service, a 24-hour toll-free number that will connect to nowhere. Clearwater, FL, resident Gladys Rankin, 72, is already among the first recipients of MediCruelty. A rare bone disease has rendered her immobile, and treatments for her condition are very expensive. Under Medi-Cruelty, she was left outside her senior center near a back-alley dumpster Tuesday. "My bones hurt," Rankin said.

Firewood, Bread Top New Russian Agenda

MOSCOW—Russian leaders Monday unveiled their new agenda for the next several years: the procurement of firewood and bread. "Our homes are very cold," Kremlin official Igor Kerensky said. "Many of us have not eaten for days." The new agenda replaces a previous one, which involved the development of a technologically advanced, fully modernized nation-state capable of leading Europe into the 21st century. If the firewood plan is successful, within five years Russian leaders hope to shift their focus to obtaining running water and soap. "Do you have food?" Kerensky added. "I am very hungry."

Protecting The Police

In the wake of an ever-growing number of shootings of police officers, including last week's L.A. bank-robbery shootout, debate is raging over how to better protect our nation's law enforcement officials. What do you think?

Rules Grammar Change

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Grammar Guild Monday announced that no more will traditional grammar rules English follow. Instead there will a new form of organizing sentences be.
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Will You Or Will You Not Be My Back-Door Man, Kevin Lindauer?

Well, we've been working together here at Cellucom Electronics Systems for almost a year now, and there is something that I've been just dying to ask you: Kevin Lindauer, will you or will you not be my back-door man?

I meant to speak with you about it after the staff meeting Monday, but Bob Phillips caught you first to discuss those changes we made to the Digitech proposal, so I didn't get the chance. I very much would like to ask you now, though. Would it be possible for me to squeeze your lemon until the juice runs down your leg? I would squeeze it so hard that you would fall right out of bed. I believe it would be a very good thing if I were to do that.

There are many times when I should be thinking about ways to better customize software and improve outsourcing options for our service-sector clients, but instead I find myself staring at your cubicle and thinking about you. Kevin Lindauer, I would like it very much if you would sit yourself on my big back porch and shake the paint off my walls.

I tried to get your attention the other day by the coffee maker, because I wanted to convey to you that the men don't know, but the little girls understand. But then I knocked all the styrofoam cups into the wastepaper basket and spilled the Cremora on the floor! I'm sure you would've helped me clean it up if Walt Peterssen hadn't walked in at that moment and given us a stern look for not being at our desks working on the GenCorp Imaging Systems upgrade report when it was due in less than an hour. Well, let him write up an incident report and forward it to the district manager! Who cares? Kevin Lindauer, you simply must rock me all night long. You must rock me until my back no longer has any bone.

I know I must sound rash, but I am absolutely certain that you are destined to be my 60-minute man. When I see you in your tan pleated slacks and wing-tip loafers, there's nothing in this world I want more than to become your big-legged woman.

I saw your sister at the supermarket the other day, and I said to her, "Judy, do you think that I'm woman enough to make your brother moan in the moonlight and beg for more?" She told me you really haven't dated much since college. I think it's time that you put a little sugar in my bowl.

Kevin Lindauer, I will wait no longer. I've checked my planner, and if you're free after the departmental meeting on Thursday, I'd like you to butter my bread, but good. I need to know soon, though, because if that's not a good time for you, I'll make other plans for then. So, Kevin Lindauer, please tell me: Will you park your big, long Cadillac in my driveway?

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