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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

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ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Will You Or Will You Not Be My Back-Door Man, Kevin Lindauer?

Well, we've been working together here at Cellucom Electronics Systems for almost a year now, and there is something that I've been just dying to ask you: Kevin Lindauer, will you or will you not be my back-door man?

I meant to speak with you about it after the staff meeting Monday, but Bob Phillips caught you first to discuss those changes we made to the Digitech proposal, so I didn't get the chance. I very much would like to ask you now, though. Would it be possible for me to squeeze your lemon until the juice runs down your leg? I would squeeze it so hard that you would fall right out of bed. I believe it would be a very good thing if I were to do that.

There are many times when I should be thinking about ways to better customize software and improve outsourcing options for our service-sector clients, but instead I find myself staring at your cubicle and thinking about you. Kevin Lindauer, I would like it very much if you would sit yourself on my big back porch and shake the paint off my walls.

I tried to get your attention the other day by the coffee maker, because I wanted to convey to you that the men don't know, but the little girls understand. But then I knocked all the styrofoam cups into the wastepaper basket and spilled the Cremora on the floor! I'm sure you would've helped me clean it up if Walt Peterssen hadn't walked in at that moment and given us a stern look for not being at our desks working on the GenCorp Imaging Systems upgrade report when it was due in less than an hour. Well, let him write up an incident report and forward it to the district manager! Who cares? Kevin Lindauer, you simply must rock me all night long. You must rock me until my back no longer has any bone.

I know I must sound rash, but I am absolutely certain that you are destined to be my 60-minute man. When I see you in your tan pleated slacks and wing-tip loafers, there's nothing in this world I want more than to become your big-legged woman.

I saw your sister at the supermarket the other day, and I said to her, "Judy, do you think that I'm woman enough to make your brother moan in the moonlight and beg for more?" She told me you really haven't dated much since college. I think it's time that you put a little sugar in my bowl.

Kevin Lindauer, I will wait no longer. I've checked my planner, and if you're free after the departmental meeting on Thursday, I'd like you to butter my bread, but good. I need to know soon, though, because if that's not a good time for you, I'll make other plans for then. So, Kevin Lindauer, please tell me: Will you park your big, long Cadillac in my driveway?

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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