Will You Or Will You Not Be My Back-Door Man, Kevin Lindauer?

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Will You Or Will You Not Be My Back-Door Man, Kevin Lindauer?

Well, we've been working together here at Cellucom Electronics Systems for almost a year now, and there is something that I've been just dying to ask you: Kevin Lindauer, will you or will you not be my back-door man?

I meant to speak with you about it after the staff meeting Monday, but Bob Phillips caught you first to discuss those changes we made to the Digitech proposal, so I didn't get the chance. I very much would like to ask you now, though. Would it be possible for me to squeeze your lemon until the juice runs down your leg? I would squeeze it so hard that you would fall right out of bed. I believe it would be a very good thing if I were to do that.

There are many times when I should be thinking about ways to better customize software and improve outsourcing options for our service-sector clients, but instead I find myself staring at your cubicle and thinking about you. Kevin Lindauer, I would like it very much if you would sit yourself on my big back porch and shake the paint off my walls.

I tried to get your attention the other day by the coffee maker, because I wanted to convey to you that the men don't know, but the little girls understand. But then I knocked all the styrofoam cups into the wastepaper basket and spilled the Cremora on the floor! I'm sure you would've helped me clean it up if Walt Peterssen hadn't walked in at that moment and given us a stern look for not being at our desks working on the GenCorp Imaging Systems upgrade report when it was due in less than an hour. Well, let him write up an incident report and forward it to the district manager! Who cares? Kevin Lindauer, you simply must rock me all night long. You must rock me until my back no longer has any bone.

I know I must sound rash, but I am absolutely certain that you are destined to be my 60-minute man. When I see you in your tan pleated slacks and wing-tip loafers, there's nothing in this world I want more than to become your big-legged woman.

I saw your sister at the supermarket the other day, and I said to her, "Judy, do you think that I'm woman enough to make your brother moan in the moonlight and beg for more?" She told me you really haven't dated much since college. I think it's time that you put a little sugar in my bowl.

Kevin Lindauer, I will wait no longer. I've checked my planner, and if you're free after the departmental meeting on Thursday, I'd like you to butter my bread, but good. I need to know soon, though, because if that's not a good time for you, I'll make other plans for then. So, Kevin Lindauer, please tell me: Will you park your big, long Cadillac in my driveway?


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close