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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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With All Due Respect, I Choose Not To Go Fuck Myself

Sir. Sir. Sir! Now that you have, I dare say, made your opinion on this matter more than abundantly clear, might I finally be afforded the opportunity to respond? Thank you. You have spoken eloquently, and I do appreciate your directness and candor. However, after due consideration of your most adamant proposal, I regret to inform you that I will neither be going nor fucking myself, not now and not in the foreseeable future.

I say this knowing full well the extent to which your proposal concerning the fucking of myself was emphasized, both with hand gestures and the raising of your voice beyond that of civil conversation, and despite the evident urgency which moved you to repeat the recommendation seven times in rapid succession.

As much as I, a gentleman, would like to accommodate you, I am nonetheless afraid that I must reject your suggestion out of hand. I find it flatly untenable. And though I appreciate the concern manifest in your statement regarding the use to which I might put my bottom, I do not consider the option of fucking myself—with a broomstick, sideways, as I believe you specified—to be a course of action worthy of my pursuit.

In fact, at the risk of sounding impolitic, your manner and phrasing have caused me to doubt whether you have my best interests in mind. Indeed, sir, given the hostility and lack of propriety with which your suggestion was brought to my attention, I think that the case could easily be made that, conversely, you should be the one to go and fuck yourself.

Perhaps you might wish to proceed with that undertaking by employing the aforementioned broomstick in the sideways manner you were so kind as to prescribe earlier.

Oh, you don't appreciate that suggestion? Cheerfully retracted, then. Perhaps it is fair to say that we have reached something of an impasse on this fucking-of-oneself matter, and that we should agree to disagree, as it were, and move along to some of the other actions that you, in the short time we have known each other, have suggested that I undertake. Such as your idea that it might be advantageous for me to fuck my mother.

Let us, for argument's sake, suppose that my mother were still among the living. Even then, the prospect of engaging in sexual intercourse with her nonetheless raises within me a whole host of repulsive associations which, I feel utterly confident in saying, even after intense rumination on the subject, it would not be within my power to overcome.

I daresay that the obverse action, of fucking your mother in my own mother's stead, however, leaves me no such compunctions and is an undertaking I am more than willing to commit to at this time.

If the character and comportment of the issue of her womb is any indication, I cannot help but assume that obtaining your mother's consent for such an act—including the oral and anal penetration which your remarks so clearly describe—would be an easy matter.

Trust me when I say to you that I have listened to and duly considered everything you have said to me. But in all frankness, I can nonetheless assure you that I will most certainly not be eating a bag of dicks or shoving it up or blowing it out—whatever "it" might be, as you have left that crucial pronoun tragically without antecedent—my ass.

In fact, after all of this dialogue, there's only one conclusion I have reached that I'm even remotely certain is true: You're a goddamned motherfucking cocksucker.

Good day, sir!

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