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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Would That I Had Someone Special With Whom I Could Share My 'Galaga' Achievements

Level 87 cleared. Enemy space-bugs dispensed with in record time. Victory. Victory over the red moths, the blue bees, those flying things that look a bit like scorpions, is once again mine. And yet, there is something still missing, I fear. There is an emptiness here. A growing void. One as deep and as infinite as the great Galaga universe itself.

Yes, special bonus stages included.

Lo, if I only had someone special with whom to share my space adventures. An extra life would I happily sacrifice for that kind of joy. During these past 20 years, I have experienced much. I have known the satisfaction of achieving a near perfect Hit-Miss ratio. I have tasted the sweet triumph of blasting an entire squadron of green ships, in perfect order, as they closed in on me from above. I have even known High Score.

But what is any of it worth, I ask you, without a special someone to share in the glory? Without a loving companion? A Player 2, flying tandem, in the game of life.

No, I do not mean Greg. I'm talking about a woman, for crying out loud.

Indeed, love is the rarest of all creatures, more rare even than those yellow stingrays that zip past you at supersonic speeds. It is stronger, and draws you in faster, than any tractor beam imaginable. Love will make you the fool, will make you act unlike yourself. For instance, instead of waiting by the leftmost edge of the screen in order to pick off incoming space-bugs, love will make you wait in the center—the very nexus of enemy fire.

Still, it would all be worth it.

There is so much inside of me that I have to give. So much that I long to share. The 3,000 entrance patterns I have committed to memory. The hidden cheat that will disarm all enemy fighters for the remainder of the game. How to double your firepower by rescuing a captured ship. All of it, I dream of one day whispering into my sweet inamorata's ear. Except maybe the hidden cheat.

Do not mistake me, I would treat my lover, whoever she happened to be, like a toadstool princess. Spoil her as she ought to be spoiled. Pour more quarters into her than even that Ms. Pac-Man machine at the Cumberland Mall. Her name, or at least her initials, I would carve atop every High Scores list I came across. There they would stay, a fitting tribute to our love for all of time.

Unless, of course, that jerk "AXL" came along, at which point her initials would probably be second on the list, which, I suppose, is still pretty good.

But woe, all of this—this addled rambling—is nothing more than a pipe dream. I have long lost my turn at romance. And, if I do not soon depart, I will also lose my turn in the Galaga tournament currently taking place at Zack's Arcade. There is a $300 grand prize for the winner, and this silly freckled girl, Jenny Shapiro, has been holding my place in line for several hours now.

Ugh, what an absolutely terrible arcade player she is. She can't even reach the factory level on Donkey Kong. I can't stand her.

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