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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Would You Like To Give A Dollar To Prove You Don't Hate Crippled Kids?

Good afternoon, sir. Do you have a minute to discuss something of vital importance? I'm canvassing this neighborhood collecting donations for the Tersbury Group. We're an organization dedicated to helping mentally and physically handicapped children here in the community lead better lives. If you don't mind my being blunt, sir, may I ask whether you hate crippled kids? Wonderful, I'm so glad I was right about you. Now, would you be willing to donate a dollar to our organization to prove that you don't?

Anyone can just say they don't hate crippled kids, but it takes a special kind of person to put their money where their mouth is; a person who doesn't want everyone on the street to know they're too cheap and selfish to part with one measly dollar to help those far less fortunate than themselves.

I don't mean to pressure you, but the Tersbury Group is an extremely worthwhile cause that's in dire need of funds. So if you could find it in your heart to pull some spare change from the pocket of that expensive-looking suit, it would be much appreciated by the crippled children you claim not to hate.

Perhaps before you decide to donate, you'd like to hear a bit more about the Tersbury Group and its programs. We have three fully staffed locations that provide medical attention, equipment, and life-skills programs that help crippled children in the community live better lives. We are also developing a new living facility where crippled children can practice life skills and independent living. As you can imagine, all of this is expensive but very important. It takes the generosity of people who don't hoard their every last penny to make such endeavors a reality. Do you count yourself among these people, sir?

Your donation doesn't just go toward equipment, medicine, and services. We also use it to take these children on fun, spirit-lifting trips, such as to the children's museum and petting zoo. Such outings may not mean much to healthy people like yourself, but to a poor crippled child who must drag his or her lifeless limbs through life, it means the world. Without generous donations from folks like you, these kids are going to spend their sad little lives staring at the same four walls every day.

Perhaps you'd like to take this pamphlet with you. Don't worry, it's free of charge. It explains a little bit more about what we here at the Tersbury Group do, and it even has some photos of our kids, so you can see exactly who you'd be helping with your dollar. There's even a donation envelope, should you later decide that you don't despise crippled kids and would like to mail in a check.

I know money is tight these days, but if you think about it, a dollar isn't really going to make much difference in the way you live your life. What's a dollar for a person like you, anyway? A candy bar? A can of soda? But for these poor children, that same one dollar goes a long way. Of course, you could always just walk away from me on the two good, strong legs God gave you. But wouldn't it be nice to walk away knowing you did something nice for the crippled children you purport not to loathe?

I'm sorry—I didn't realize you were waiting for a date to arrive. Sorry to bother you at a time like this. I hope things work out for you and your lady friend. You realize, of course, that without the proper medical attention your dollar would bring, many of these children will probably not live to see their first crush, much less a first date.

If you'd like to wait until your date arrives to make your donation, I would understand. Not everyone likes to selflessly donate money to children who can barely walk or breathe under their own power without getting credit. I'd be more than happy to wait so you can make a big show of it in front of some girl you're trying to impress, if that's what it takes.

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