Would You Like To Give A Dollar To Prove You Don't Hate Crippled Kids?

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Vol 38 Issue 40

Championship - Ep. 8

In the final week of the season, Brad loses his confidence and it's up to Andrew Luck and Matt Forte to motivate their coach.

Playoffs - Ep. 7

Desperate to beat his arch-rival, Harris, Brad makes Alfred Morris feel like a part of the family before taking to the field to teach Andrew Luck how to throw a perfect spiral.

Plan 'L' Switched To

BEREA, KY—Plans A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K having failed, David Zenger resorted to "Plan L" in his efforts to move an air conditioner from the garage to the house Tuesday. "Okay, here we go," Zenger said to himself. "If I wrap the air conditioner in bubble wrap and then balance it on a basketball, I can spin-roll it into the house." Previous failed attempts to move the air conditioner involved a pair of bungee cords, a bag of marbles, and a bottle of Crisco cooking oil.

Visible Panty Line Discussed Like It's Cancer

ABILENE, TX—During a trip to the mall Monday, Melissa Gilham and Tiffany Cornell discussed a fellow mall patron's visible panty line as if it were cancer. "Oh my God, look at that," a deeply shaken Gilham told Cornell outside Suncoast Video, where the panty line was first sighted. "Somebody really needs to sit her down and have a talk about that. Doesn't she have any friends?" Added Cornell: "Maybe we could chip in and buy her a thong." The pair's horror deepened when they faintly made out the panties' flower print through the woman's white pants.

Adam Sandler Fans Disappointed By Intelligent, Nuanced Performance

LOS ANGELES—Adam Sandler fans across the nation expressed deep disappointment in the new film Punch-Drunk Love, which features an intelligent, nuanced lead performance by the comedian. "He didn't even do his funny high-pitched 'retardo guy' voice," said college student Bradley Sanderson, 19, after seeing the critically lauded film Tuesday. "And what was with all that textured, multi-dimensional character-development shit?" Similarly let down was fan Bob Trotta: "I didn't pay $9 to see Adam Sandler wrestle with some psychological crisis. He could have at least put a trash-can lid on his head and gone, 'I'm Crazy Trash Head! Gimme some candy!' How hard would that have been?"

Headache-Relief Tips

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I Gotta Drop A Few Pounds

Hola, amigos. It's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been workin' for a living, taking what they're giving, all that. Actually, to be honest, I ain't been working all that hard lately. As you well know, I left my bullshit coat-check job for greener pastures: sitting around on my ass and enjoying the finer things.
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Would You Like To Give A Dollar To Prove You Don't Hate Crippled Kids?

Good afternoon, sir. Do you have a minute to discuss something of vital importance? I'm canvassing this neighborhood collecting donations for the Tersbury Group. We're an organization dedicated to helping mentally and physically handicapped children here in the community lead better lives. If you don't mind my being blunt, sir, may I ask whether you hate crippled kids? Wonderful, I'm so glad I was right about you. Now, would you be willing to donate a dollar to our organization to prove that you don't?

Anyone can just say they don't hate crippled kids, but it takes a special kind of person to put their money where their mouth is; a person who doesn't want everyone on the street to know they're too cheap and selfish to part with one measly dollar to help those far less fortunate than themselves.

I don't mean to pressure you, but the Tersbury Group is an extremely worthwhile cause that's in dire need of funds. So if you could find it in your heart to pull some spare change from the pocket of that expensive-looking suit, it would be much appreciated by the crippled children you claim not to hate.

Perhaps before you decide to donate, you'd like to hear a bit more about the Tersbury Group and its programs. We have three fully staffed locations that provide medical attention, equipment, and life-skills programs that help crippled children in the community live better lives. We are also developing a new living facility where crippled children can practice life skills and independent living. As you can imagine, all of this is expensive but very important. It takes the generosity of people who don't hoard their every last penny to make such endeavors a reality. Do you count yourself among these people, sir?

Your donation doesn't just go toward equipment, medicine, and services. We also use it to take these children on fun, spirit-lifting trips, such as to the children's museum and petting zoo. Such outings may not mean much to healthy people like yourself, but to a poor crippled child who must drag his or her lifeless limbs through life, it means the world. Without generous donations from folks like you, these kids are going to spend their sad little lives staring at the same four walls every day.

Perhaps you'd like to take this pamphlet with you. Don't worry, it's free of charge. It explains a little bit more about what we here at the Tersbury Group do, and it even has some photos of our kids, so you can see exactly who you'd be helping with your dollar. There's even a donation envelope, should you later decide that you don't despise crippled kids and would like to mail in a check.

I know money is tight these days, but if you think about it, a dollar isn't really going to make much difference in the way you live your life. What's a dollar for a person like you, anyway? A candy bar? A can of soda? But for these poor children, that same one dollar goes a long way. Of course, you could always just walk away from me on the two good, strong legs God gave you. But wouldn't it be nice to walk away knowing you did something nice for the crippled children you purport not to loathe?

I'm sorry—I didn't realize you were waiting for a date to arrive. Sorry to bother you at a time like this. I hope things work out for you and your lady friend. You realize, of course, that without the proper medical attention your dollar would bring, many of these children will probably not live to see their first crush, much less a first date.

If you'd like to wait until your date arrives to make your donation, I would understand. Not everyone likes to selflessly donate money to children who can barely walk or breathe under their own power without getting credit. I'd be more than happy to wait so you can make a big show of it in front of some girl you're trying to impress, if that's what it takes.

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