adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Would You Like To Give A Dollar To Prove You Don't Hate Crippled Kids?

Good afternoon, sir. Do you have a minute to discuss something of vital importance? I'm canvassing this neighborhood collecting donations for the Tersbury Group. We're an organization dedicated to helping mentally and physically handicapped children here in the community lead better lives. If you don't mind my being blunt, sir, may I ask whether you hate crippled kids? Wonderful, I'm so glad I was right about you. Now, would you be willing to donate a dollar to our organization to prove that you don't?

Anyone can just say they don't hate crippled kids, but it takes a special kind of person to put their money where their mouth is; a person who doesn't want everyone on the street to know they're too cheap and selfish to part with one measly dollar to help those far less fortunate than themselves.

I don't mean to pressure you, but the Tersbury Group is an extremely worthwhile cause that's in dire need of funds. So if you could find it in your heart to pull some spare change from the pocket of that expensive-looking suit, it would be much appreciated by the crippled children you claim not to hate.

Perhaps before you decide to donate, you'd like to hear a bit more about the Tersbury Group and its programs. We have three fully staffed locations that provide medical attention, equipment, and life-skills programs that help crippled children in the community live better lives. We are also developing a new living facility where crippled children can practice life skills and independent living. As you can imagine, all of this is expensive but very important. It takes the generosity of people who don't hoard their every last penny to make such endeavors a reality. Do you count yourself among these people, sir?

Your donation doesn't just go toward equipment, medicine, and services. We also use it to take these children on fun, spirit-lifting trips, such as to the children's museum and petting zoo. Such outings may not mean much to healthy people like yourself, but to a poor crippled child who must drag his or her lifeless limbs through life, it means the world. Without generous donations from folks like you, these kids are going to spend their sad little lives staring at the same four walls every day.

Perhaps you'd like to take this pamphlet with you. Don't worry, it's free of charge. It explains a little bit more about what we here at the Tersbury Group do, and it even has some photos of our kids, so you can see exactly who you'd be helping with your dollar. There's even a donation envelope, should you later decide that you don't despise crippled kids and would like to mail in a check.

I know money is tight these days, but if you think about it, a dollar isn't really going to make much difference in the way you live your life. What's a dollar for a person like you, anyway? A candy bar? A can of soda? But for these poor children, that same one dollar goes a long way. Of course, you could always just walk away from me on the two good, strong legs God gave you. But wouldn't it be nice to walk away knowing you did something nice for the crippled children you purport not to loathe?

I'm sorry—I didn't realize you were waiting for a date to arrive. Sorry to bother you at a time like this. I hope things work out for you and your lady friend. You realize, of course, that without the proper medical attention your dollar would bring, many of these children will probably not live to see their first crush, much less a first date.

If you'd like to wait until your date arrives to make your donation, I would understand. Not everyone likes to selflessly donate money to children who can barely walk or breathe under their own power without getting credit. I'd be more than happy to wait so you can make a big show of it in front of some girl you're trying to impress, if that's what it takes.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close