Yeah, Take It Off

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Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Goals Of The U.N. General Assembly

The 70th United Nations General Assembly takes place this week, with member countries focusing on plans to address global sustainability, economic growth, and the Syrian refugee crisis, among other major topics. Here are the main goals of this year’s assembly:

Pope Francis’ U.S. Itinerary

Pope Francis is making his first visit to the U.S. this week, with stops in Washington, D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia as he speaks to government officials and conducts large-scale masses. Here is a full itinerary of the pope’s visit

A Primer On Pope Francis’ Views

Pope Francis has garnered much international attention in the first two and a half years of his papacy, taking a more liberal approach to women’s issues, the family unit, and the environment than his predecessors. Here is a primer on prominent global issues and the pope’s views on them:

Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses

SHANGHAI—Proving to be just as flimsy and precarious as many observers had previously warned, the Chinese-made Shanghai Composite index completely collapsed Monday, sources confirmed.

Why Westerners Join ISIS

With more than 150 Americans accused of attempting to fight alongside ISIS in Syria and countless young Europeans allegedly joining or supporting the terrorist group, many are left wondering what a population of extremists has to offer Westerners a world away. Here are some reasons these people might want to ally with ISIS

Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket

ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade summit Thursday, Nicaraguan Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Santos López, illuminated only by a sliver of moon, reportedly slid open the lid of a small pine box and released a deadly Brazilian wandering spider onto the blanket of his American counterpart.

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles

WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles.

World Begins Another Day At Mercy Of 19-Year-Old Estonian Hacker

TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Items Found In Bin Laden’s Compound

On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World

PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having ...

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room

VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...

Where Is Kim Jong-Un?

North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts

How China Stifles Dissent

Recent clashes with pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong have refocused international scrutiny on the Chinese government’s efforts to quell social unrest and silence demonstrators.

Nation Admits It Could Probably Be Talked Into Another War

WASHINGTON—While they acknowledged that getting behind such a plan might take a little convincing, the American populace admitted this week that they could, in all likelihood, be talked into another war. Citizens across the nation told reporters tha...

Ugly Custody Battle Over Ian McKellen Narrowly Avoided

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Following Scotland’s referendum Thursday rejecting independence from the United Kingdom, sources confirmed that a protracted and ugly custody battle over celebrated actor Sir Ian McKellen had been narrowly avoided.

Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East

With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest.

Experts: Ebola Vaccine At Least 50 White People Away

CONAKRY, GUINEA—With the death toll in West Africa continuing to rise amid a new outbreak of the Ebola virus, leading medical experts announced Wednesday that a vaccine for the deadly disease is still at least 50 white people from being developed.
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Yeah, Take It Off

Well, hello there. It's been a while, hasn't it?

Now, now, don't be shy. Come a little closer. You remember me, right? Of course you do. I come around this time every year.

I must say, you're looking pretty hot. I mean, how could you not be, underneath all that? It's 92 in the shade and hot all over. What you might call a real scorcher. Be honest, am I making you hot? Just a little? Yeah?

I could tell.

There's just a little bead of sweat behind your ear there—running along your neck, disappearing beneath your shirt, making its way down your chest. Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable without those long sleeves?

Don't be modest. I can see you're wearing a tank top under there, so why don't you go ahead and take off that bulky shirt of yours? Come on, it's natural. Nobody's looking over here anyway. It's just you and me. Other than heatstroke, dehydration, and certain types of skin cancers, you're safe with me, baby. So just relax.

That's it. That's real nice. Just peel that thing right off. Do it slowly. Can you feel me against your body? Feels good, doesn't it? The heat. A pretty little thing like you shouldn't be hiding your body. And by the looks of those tan arms and shoulders, I can tell you've done this before, so why hold back now? That's right, just like that. Why don't you lie down in that chair and let me take a good look at you?

Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.

You don't want to forget the sunscreen, of course. It's important to cover your whole body with it and make sure you rub it in. Yeah, there you go—really work it into your skin. That's nice. Really nice. Are you comfortable yet? I know, sometimes it's hard when I'm around. Things get so hot you can barely stand it. I really don't mean for that to happen, it just does. What can I say? I have that effect on people. Luckily, there's a simple solution if you need a little break from the heat. By my estimation, there's a lot more clothing you could be taking off.

So why not slide off those pants? Slowly. Always slowly. But take off your shoes and socks first so the pants come right off at the end there. Oh, yeah, that's it.

My goodness, now I'm the one getting hot.

How about we stop playing these little games, huh? You know me. You know what I'm about. Every year, I come out here, I see you, you see me. Don't pretend like you don't count down the days on the calendar just waiting for me to arrive. It's okay, I know how bad you want me. You think about me all time when I'm not around, don't you? Of course you do. Listen, baby, you can hold out for a while, but eventually I'll wear you down. I always do.

Besides, I'm only around for two or three months. We're just talking about a little fling here. And how many more chances like this will we get? Loosen up and live a little. You should have another drink. That'll feel good going down.

If you want to take off the rest of your clothes, nobody's going to stop you.

You know what would be really refreshing right now? A Popsicle. A cold, tasty Popsicle. Come on, this is the perfect time for it. Yeah, suck that thing. Feels so good to put it in your mouth and let it run down your throat, doesn't it? Maybe you want to touch that cold Popsicle to your skin so that tight body of yours quivers a little. And then you can run the Popsicle down your stomach, past your belly button, and then…

All right. There's a thunderstorm moving in, so it's probably best if I move along for now. But don't worry. As soon as it's gone, I'll be back to heat up all that moisture and make things really steamy. Then I'll show you just how sultry I can be.