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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Yeah, Take It Off

Well, hello there. It's been a while, hasn't it?

Now, now, don't be shy. Come a little closer. You remember me, right? Of course you do. I come around this time every year.

I must say, you're looking pretty hot. I mean, how could you not be, underneath all that? It's 92 in the shade and hot all over. What you might call a real scorcher. Be honest, am I making you hot? Just a little? Yeah?

I could tell.

There's just a little bead of sweat behind your ear there—running along your neck, disappearing beneath your shirt, making its way down your chest. Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable without those long sleeves?

Don't be modest. I can see you're wearing a tank top under there, so why don't you go ahead and take off that bulky shirt of yours? Come on, it's natural. Nobody's looking over here anyway. It's just you and me. Other than heatstroke, dehydration, and certain types of skin cancers, you're safe with me, baby. So just relax.

That's it. That's real nice. Just peel that thing right off. Do it slowly. Can you feel me against your body? Feels good, doesn't it? The heat. A pretty little thing like you shouldn't be hiding your body. And by the looks of those tan arms and shoulders, I can tell you've done this before, so why hold back now? That's right, just like that. Why don't you lie down in that chair and let me take a good look at you?

Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.

You don't want to forget the sunscreen, of course. It's important to cover your whole body with it and make sure you rub it in. Yeah, there you go—really work it into your skin. That's nice. Really nice. Are you comfortable yet? I know, sometimes it's hard when I'm around. Things get so hot you can barely stand it. I really don't mean for that to happen, it just does. What can I say? I have that effect on people. Luckily, there's a simple solution if you need a little break from the heat. By my estimation, there's a lot more clothing you could be taking off.

So why not slide off those pants? Slowly. Always slowly. But take off your shoes and socks first so the pants come right off at the end there. Oh, yeah, that's it.

My goodness, now I'm the one getting hot.

How about we stop playing these little games, huh? You know me. You know what I'm about. Every year, I come out here, I see you, you see me. Don't pretend like you don't count down the days on the calendar just waiting for me to arrive. It's okay, I know how bad you want me. You think about me all time when I'm not around, don't you? Of course you do. Listen, baby, you can hold out for a while, but eventually I'll wear you down. I always do.

Besides, I'm only around for two or three months. We're just talking about a little fling here. And how many more chances like this will we get? Loosen up and live a little. You should have another drink. That'll feel good going down.

If you want to take off the rest of your clothes, nobody's going to stop you.

You know what would be really refreshing right now? A Popsicle. A cold, tasty Popsicle. Come on, this is the perfect time for it. Yeah, suck that thing. Feels so good to put it in your mouth and let it run down your throat, doesn't it? Maybe you want to touch that cold Popsicle to your skin so that tight body of yours quivers a little. And then you can run the Popsicle down your stomach, past your belly button, and then…

All right. There's a thunderstorm moving in, so it's probably best if I move along for now. But don't worry. As soon as it's gone, I'll be back to heat up all that moisture and make things really steamy. Then I'll show you just how sultry I can be.

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