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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Yeah, Take It Off

Well, hello there. It's been a while, hasn't it?

Now, now, don't be shy. Come a little closer. You remember me, right? Of course you do. I come around this time every year.

I must say, you're looking pretty hot. I mean, how could you not be, underneath all that? It's 92 in the shade and hot all over. What you might call a real scorcher. Be honest, am I making you hot? Just a little? Yeah?

I could tell.

There's just a little bead of sweat behind your ear there—running along your neck, disappearing beneath your shirt, making its way down your chest. Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable without those long sleeves?

Don't be modest. I can see you're wearing a tank top under there, so why don't you go ahead and take off that bulky shirt of yours? Come on, it's natural. Nobody's looking over here anyway. It's just you and me. Other than heatstroke, dehydration, and certain types of skin cancers, you're safe with me, baby. So just relax.

That's it. That's real nice. Just peel that thing right off. Do it slowly. Can you feel me against your body? Feels good, doesn't it? The heat. A pretty little thing like you shouldn't be hiding your body. And by the looks of those tan arms and shoulders, I can tell you've done this before, so why hold back now? That's right, just like that. Why don't you lie down in that chair and let me take a good look at you?

Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.

You don't want to forget the sunscreen, of course. It's important to cover your whole body with it and make sure you rub it in. Yeah, there you go—really work it into your skin. That's nice. Really nice. Are you comfortable yet? I know, sometimes it's hard when I'm around. Things get so hot you can barely stand it. I really don't mean for that to happen, it just does. What can I say? I have that effect on people. Luckily, there's a simple solution if you need a little break from the heat. By my estimation, there's a lot more clothing you could be taking off.

So why not slide off those pants? Slowly. Always slowly. But take off your shoes and socks first so the pants come right off at the end there. Oh, yeah, that's it.

My goodness, now I'm the one getting hot.

How about we stop playing these little games, huh? You know me. You know what I'm about. Every year, I come out here, I see you, you see me. Don't pretend like you don't count down the days on the calendar just waiting for me to arrive. It's okay, I know how bad you want me. You think about me all time when I'm not around, don't you? Of course you do. Listen, baby, you can hold out for a while, but eventually I'll wear you down. I always do.

Besides, I'm only around for two or three months. We're just talking about a little fling here. And how many more chances like this will we get? Loosen up and live a little. You should have another drink. That'll feel good going down.

If you want to take off the rest of your clothes, nobody's going to stop you.

You know what would be really refreshing right now? A Popsicle. A cold, tasty Popsicle. Come on, this is the perfect time for it. Yeah, suck that thing. Feels so good to put it in your mouth and let it run down your throat, doesn't it? Maybe you want to touch that cold Popsicle to your skin so that tight body of yours quivers a little. And then you can run the Popsicle down your stomach, past your belly button, and then…

All right. There's a thunderstorm moving in, so it's probably best if I move along for now. But don't worry. As soon as it's gone, I'll be back to heat up all that moisture and make things really steamy. Then I'll show you just how sultry I can be.

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