Yes, Sweetie, Mommy's Heard Of Gil Scott-Heron

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...
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Yes, Sweetie, Mommy's Heard Of Gil Scott-Heron

Hello, sweetie! I didn't expect you home so early. Here, hand me your backpack. Ooh, heavy! So, how was your week? Well, I'm glad. College is sure fun, isn't it? Yes, it is! So, what did you learn today? Well, imagine that. You don't say? Yes, yes. Uh-huh. Yes, sweetie, Mommy's heard of Gil Scott-Heron. Have a piece of fruit instead, honey, that cake is for dessert tonight.

Here you go, a nice apple. Okay, so that 20th Century African-American Popular Culture Studies course. What's that all about? Mm-hmm. Sure, I know "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised." It's his most famous song! Why, yes, his spoken-word recordings were a noted precursor of hip-hop! Very good. What a smarty you are! I'm so glad you're enjoying your classes. Honey, can you do your old mom a favor and get that jar of rhubarb preserves off that top shelf there? Thanks a bunch!

What now, hon? Oh, Daddy and I listened to Gil Scott-Heron back in college. My goodness, so full of questions today! Well, sure, Daddy and I listened to music, we went to basketball games, we played pool at the student union—all sorts of things you young people still do today! Be careful, now, I just waxed the floor and I wouldn't want you to slip. Except, back then, we played vinyl records and listened to AOR radio. That's short for "album-oriented rock." Oh, you knew that? Well, okay then, my big mister. You get an A for the day!

"Whitey On The Moon"? Oh, why, sure. Yes, yes... uh-huh! "Junkies make me a nervous wreck... rat done bit my sister... whitey on the moon..." Ha ha! My word. Who's this? Did Mr. Gil Scott-Heron himself just bestow the honor of his presence on us? Well, we'll have to set the table for an extra guest tonight! I hope he likes baked chicken with rhubarb sauce and German chocolate cake! He does? Nifty! Oh, all right, I'll stop goofing around. You do have a nice voice, though.

What now, sweetie? Was I offended by "Whitey On The Moon"? Oh, not really. It made a fair point. It was pretty ironic that poor black people in the inner cities were suffering while billions of dollars were being spent on the moon race. It's sad to think about. Sweetie, don't sit on the kitchen chair like that. Put both feet down. I can understand why Gil Scott-Heron was frustrated. It was pretty neat of him to express himself with art and tell people what was on his mind. Remember when you were in that art camp back in seventh grade and you made that collage against the war? That was very creative.

Hmm? I didn't hear you, I was rinsing the chicken. Ah, the Last Poets. Yes, Mommy knows them, too! "Wake up, niggers, or you're through." Yes, they and Gil Scott-Heron did come from the later, militant generation of civil-rights activists! It sure was a howl of desperate anger from the disenfranchised! Did we want revolution, too? Such a deep question! Well, I don't know. Daddy was all for it, but I was less certain. Oh sweetie, will you fetch some potatoes from the cellar for Mommy? My hands are all wet.

Thank you, pussycat! Yes. Yes, revolution. Mm-hmm. What? Why was I less certain? Oh, I don't know, really. I guess it's just that—well, the gosh-darn funny thing about revolution is that sometimes it brings more chaos and pain than positive change. Sometimes, instead of liberation, you get... more... tyranny! Ha! Got your nose! Okay, now run your things up to your room, and I'll give your nose back when dinner's ready!

What's this, dear? Oh, you're going to succeed where my generation failed? Well, I hope so! That would be wonderful, dear! You should give it a try! I felt that way when I first listened to Gil Scott-Heron, too. Yes, I agree: Fuck the man! You go and do that! Never sell out, that's right! And while you're upstairs not selling out, Mommy will be in the kitchen making dinner. Try to be quiet when you go up the stairs, will you, sweetie? Daddy's napping in the living room.

Hmm-mm-mmm... la, la, la, doo doo doo... "Women will not care if Dick finally gets down with Jane on Search For Tomorrow, because black people will be in the street looking for a brighter day... the revolution will not be televised..." La, la, la...

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