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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two

Honey, a miracle has happened—you've got a bun in the oven. How wonderful! Before long, this family is going to be bigger by none. After all, you and me and baby minus me makes two.

It's hard to believe that soon there are going to be two people in our little brood. Nothing brings two people closer together quite like one of them being a mother and the other a child. No, there's nothing in the world more special than that.

You and I are going to have so many good times together until you start to show! And after that, you and the baby will have so many good times together, too. Of course, I'll be having great times on my own. I know that might be hard to believe right now, but don't worry—it's true. I'll be having an absolute blast.

Just think of the happy, loving family we'll make: You and the baby, plus me 700 miles away. That's the kind of family I've always wanted, and you've made it possible. It's truly a dream come true.

A woman plus her child minus a man there to provide support; now that's what I call the perfect couple. And let's face it: The whole idea of couplehood is kind of ruined by a third person, isn't it? But I wouldn't want you to be the one who has to give up all that beautiful couple stuff. So I'll do the responsible thing and bow out. I'll be a man about it. Do you think you'd even want me around? I know I wouldn't. It just wouldn't be right.

A pair of little feet running around the house. That's exactly what you need! And I need my own pair of feet to run out of the house as quickly as possible. I can't believe how wonderful this is going to be for at least one of the three of us.

Oh, wow, this is such a magical time! You're really, really going to have a baby! And I'm not! Not in the physical sense, of course, and not in the "couples' ubiquitous we" sense, either. I'm just plain not going to be there at all, and I can't tell you how great that makes me feel.

Watching our child's birth, seeing it grow, hearing its first word and seeing its first step—I'm going to burst with joy over not seeing a single one of these things. I can hardly wait for the blessed event of me moving far away, someplace where all this baby business is just a memory, and a short-lived one at that.

You and the baby have made me the happiest man in the world. Not long ago, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. But now you and the baby have given me the strength and courage to high-tail it out of town as fast as humanly possible. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for making my life complete again. I love this so much.

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