adBlockCheck

You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two

Top Headlines

Recent News

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two

Honey, a miracle has happened—you've got a bun in the oven. How wonderful! Before long, this family is going to be bigger by none. After all, you and me and baby minus me makes two.

It's hard to believe that soon there are going to be two people in our little brood. Nothing brings two people closer together quite like one of them being a mother and the other a child. No, there's nothing in the world more special than that.

You and I are going to have so many good times together until you start to show! And after that, you and the baby will have so many good times together, too. Of course, I'll be having great times on my own. I know that might be hard to believe right now, but don't worry—it's true. I'll be having an absolute blast.

Just think of the happy, loving family we'll make: You and the baby, plus me 700 miles away. That's the kind of family I've always wanted, and you've made it possible. It's truly a dream come true.

A woman plus her child minus a man there to provide support; now that's what I call the perfect couple. And let's face it: The whole idea of couplehood is kind of ruined by a third person, isn't it? But I wouldn't want you to be the one who has to give up all that beautiful couple stuff. So I'll do the responsible thing and bow out. I'll be a man about it. Do you think you'd even want me around? I know I wouldn't. It just wouldn't be right.

A pair of little feet running around the house. That's exactly what you need! And I need my own pair of feet to run out of the house as quickly as possible. I can't believe how wonderful this is going to be for at least one of the three of us.

Oh, wow, this is such a magical time! You're really, really going to have a baby! And I'm not! Not in the physical sense, of course, and not in the "couples' ubiquitous we" sense, either. I'm just plain not going to be there at all, and I can't tell you how great that makes me feel.

Watching our child's birth, seeing it grow, hearing its first word and seeing its first step—I'm going to burst with joy over not seeing a single one of these things. I can hardly wait for the blessed event of me moving far away, someplace where all this baby business is just a memory, and a short-lived one at that.

You and the baby have made me the happiest man in the world. Not long ago, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. But now you and the baby have given me the strength and courage to high-tail it out of town as fast as humanly possible. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for making my life complete again. I love this so much.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close