adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two

Honey, a miracle has happened—you've got a bun in the oven. How wonderful! Before long, this family is going to be bigger by none. After all, you and me and baby minus me makes two.

It's hard to believe that soon there are going to be two people in our little brood. Nothing brings two people closer together quite like one of them being a mother and the other a child. No, there's nothing in the world more special than that.

You and I are going to have so many good times together until you start to show! And after that, you and the baby will have so many good times together, too. Of course, I'll be having great times on my own. I know that might be hard to believe right now, but don't worry—it's true. I'll be having an absolute blast.

Just think of the happy, loving family we'll make: You and the baby, plus me 700 miles away. That's the kind of family I've always wanted, and you've made it possible. It's truly a dream come true.

A woman plus her child minus a man there to provide support; now that's what I call the perfect couple. And let's face it: The whole idea of couplehood is kind of ruined by a third person, isn't it? But I wouldn't want you to be the one who has to give up all that beautiful couple stuff. So I'll do the responsible thing and bow out. I'll be a man about it. Do you think you'd even want me around? I know I wouldn't. It just wouldn't be right.

A pair of little feet running around the house. That's exactly what you need! And I need my own pair of feet to run out of the house as quickly as possible. I can't believe how wonderful this is going to be for at least one of the three of us.

Oh, wow, this is such a magical time! You're really, really going to have a baby! And I'm not! Not in the physical sense, of course, and not in the "couples' ubiquitous we" sense, either. I'm just plain not going to be there at all, and I can't tell you how great that makes me feel.

Watching our child's birth, seeing it grow, hearing its first word and seeing its first step—I'm going to burst with joy over not seeing a single one of these things. I can hardly wait for the blessed event of me moving far away, someplace where all this baby business is just a memory, and a short-lived one at that.

You and the baby have made me the happiest man in the world. Not long ago, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. But now you and the baby have given me the strength and courage to high-tail it out of town as fast as humanly possible. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for making my life complete again. I love this so much.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close