You Are A Beautiful Woman, And I Mean That In A Completely Non-Threatening Way

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Vol 39 Issue 23

Woman Checks Terror-Alert Level Before Leaving For Work

FORT DODGE, IA—As she does every morning, local resident Wendy Trotter, 33, consulted the Department of Homeland Security web site Tuesday to check the terror-alert level before leaving for work. "I like to leave the house prepared," said Trotter, a cashier at a local Cub Foods. "I'd hate to assume that the level is still Elevated, only to find myself caught in a High-level situation. And if I didn't check, how would I know whether I need to coordinate necessary security efforts with federal, state, and local law enforcement and begin contingency procedures by moving to an alternate venue?"

Banks Introduce 75-Cent Surcharge For Using Word 'Bank'

NEW YORK—Executives from the nation's 50 largest banks announced Monday that, effective July 1, all customers will be assessed a 75-cent surcharge each time they use the word "bank." "Now, each time a customer uses the word 'bank' in either its spoken or written form, 75 cents will be automatically deducted from his or her account," said Kenneth Nordland, 54, president of the American Banking Association. "For instance, if you say, 'I bank with Bank of America,' that would cost you $1.50." Nordland added that customers wishing to avoid the penalty are encouraged to use the alternate phrase "financial institution."

Christ Returns For Some Of His Old Things

JERUSALEM—After being away for nearly two millennia, Jesus Christ triumphantly returned Monday to pick up some of His old belongings. "I realize this isn't exactly how the world's Christians were imagining it, but I left a really comfortable pair of sandals in Galilee, and I wanted them back," said Christ, who died for our sins. "Also, I'm pretty sure I lent [Apostle] Simon Peter my best goblet at the Last Supper." This marks Christ's first return since 76 A.D., when he thought he'd forgotten to turn off his coffee pot.

Father's Day Gift Way Shittier Than Mother's Day Gift

TOPEKA, KS—For the seventh year in a row, the Father's Day gift that Robert Frankel, 48, received from his children Sunday was way shittier than the Mother's Day gift his wife received five weeks earlier. "Wow, thanks, Marc and Erica, they're great," Frankel said, as he unwrapped a $9 pair of padded socks. "These should really keep me warm." The gift, which stood in sharp contrast to the $85 day-spa gift certificate the children lovingly gave their mother on May 11, was presented without a card.

U.S. Refuses To Allow U.N. Weapons Inspectors Back Into Iraq

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—For the third time in as many weeks, U.S. officials denied U.N. weapons inspectors' request to reenter Iraq. "Thanks so much for the offer, but we can handle it from here," Lt. Gen. William Wallace told U.N. chief inspector Hans Blix. "We're getting very close to finding Saddam's massive WMD stockpile, and to have the U.N. get involved at this point would just complicate matters. Sorry." U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan has given President Bush a June 28 deadline to let inspectors into Iraq.

GOP Reports Record Second-Quarter Profits

WASHINGTON, DC–At a stockholders meeting Monday, the Republican Party announced record profits for the second quarter of 2003, exceeding analysts' expectations by more than 20 cents per share.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

You Are A Beautiful Woman, And I Mean That In A Completely Non-Threatening Way

Pardon me for staring. I'd hate for you to think I was one of those guys who thinks it's okay to approach women he doesn't even know with unsolicited romantic advances.

My God, you're stunning.

Don't take that the wrong way. I realize full well how inappropriate it might be for me to gaze longingly at you, a complete stranger, and then express awe at your incredible looks. I can certainly understand how any woman might find that off-putting, but let me assure you that when I say you are beautiful, I mean that in a completely non-threatening way.

When I saw you emerging from that Walgreens and looked into the most stunning eyes I've ever seen, I was overcome by a desire to hold your perfect cheekbones in my trembling hands and kiss your moist, yielding lips like they've never been kissed. But I would never in a million years dream of actually doing so, because it would surely make you ill at ease.

Unlike so many men, I don't view women as mere sexual conquests. I abhor such a view. You are so much more to me than an object of carnal desire. You are someone I respect and would never dream of approaching in an intimidating manner. After all the crude, uninvited remarks you must receive on a daily basis from men, isn't it refreshing to be approached by someone who actually takes your feelings into consideration?

I have the urge to run to the nearest street vendor and impulsively buy you flowers, but I won't, for fear that you would think it too forward. Would it help to prove my sincerity if I were to weep with joy at the sight of you? I am not afraid to show my feelings, as long as that expression of romantic longing does not frighten you.

Men can be coarse and vulgar, especially when enflamed with passion for a woman of your magnificence. But I would never want to cause you the slightest bit of emotional unease as I express my desire to gently slide the straps of your sundress off your milky-white shoulders in a non-menacing way. I would give you adequate time to become emotionally ready for such an encounter and allow you to set the pace. I'm not like all those crude men who only want to get their hands on the frilly lace Victoria's Secret underthings which no doubt caress your stunning form under that sundress. I am not the sort who sees you merely as a receptacle for my own wildest fantasies. I am a caring soul who would keep such lustful thoughts to myself until I had gone out of my way to ease your mind first.

I never would run my hands through your hair, unless I had first gained your explicit approval. I'm not one of those men who only thinks of satisfying his own animal needs. Trust me, if we were ever to get together, I would consider all your needs, both physical and emotional, so you would have no reason to find me selfish.

Please! Don't run away. And when I say "Don't run away," know that I mean it in the least "I'm gonna get you" way possible.

Yes, a man with a less-than-heartfelt desire for your perfect, round, dimpled ass might chase after you as you hurry down the street in an attempt to evade someone you assume only wants to make you feel uncomfortable. But I would never do such a thing. I will only follow discreetly from a safe distance, explaining my good intentions from several paces behind you as I continue to woo and pursue you in my own special non-scary way. You will feel totally at ease once you understand my motives.

I notice that you have not offered me your phone number. No matter. I would never ask you to give me such personal information until I was absolutely sure you were ready to give it to me. I would never want you to think of me as some sort of pervert stalker who follows strange women down the street.

My darling, you must know that I am not one of those repellent lowlifes who make unbelievably attractive women like you afraid to leave the house in short, flimsy dresses like yours merely because they are frightened that showing their perfect, shapely legs might provoke some untoward response. I would never in a million years make you feel the least bit threatened by my all-consuming lust for your tanned, lithe, nubile flesh.

Wait! There's no need for you to quicken your pace to try to outdistance me. I will make my move only when you are ready for my embrace and not one minute sooner. I would never think of forcing my affections upon you one second before you felt completely at ease with the idea of my hands drifting across the contours of your curvaceous torso and exploring your private recesses.

I'll be waiting! Just as soon as you feel non-threatened by me, I'll be here.

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