Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

You Are A Beautiful Woman, And I Mean That In A Completely Non-Threatening Way

Pardon me for staring. I'd hate for you to think I was one of those guys who thinks it's okay to approach women he doesn't even know with unsolicited romantic advances.

My God, you're stunning.

Don't take that the wrong way. I realize full well how inappropriate it might be for me to gaze longingly at you, a complete stranger, and then express awe at your incredible looks. I can certainly understand how any woman might find that off-putting, but let me assure you that when I say you are beautiful, I mean that in a completely non-threatening way.

When I saw you emerging from that Walgreens and looked into the most stunning eyes I've ever seen, I was overcome by a desire to hold your perfect cheekbones in my trembling hands and kiss your moist, yielding lips like they've never been kissed. But I would never in a million years dream of actually doing so, because it would surely make you ill at ease.

Unlike so many men, I don't view women as mere sexual conquests. I abhor such a view. You are so much more to me than an object of carnal desire. You are someone I respect and would never dream of approaching in an intimidating manner. After all the crude, uninvited remarks you must receive on a daily basis from men, isn't it refreshing to be approached by someone who actually takes your feelings into consideration?

I have the urge to run to the nearest street vendor and impulsively buy you flowers, but I won't, for fear that you would think it too forward. Would it help to prove my sincerity if I were to weep with joy at the sight of you? I am not afraid to show my feelings, as long as that expression of romantic longing does not frighten you.

Men can be coarse and vulgar, especially when enflamed with passion for a woman of your magnificence. But I would never want to cause you the slightest bit of emotional unease as I express my desire to gently slide the straps of your sundress off your milky-white shoulders in a non-menacing way. I would give you adequate time to become emotionally ready for such an encounter and allow you to set the pace. I'm not like all those crude men who only want to get their hands on the frilly lace Victoria's Secret underthings which no doubt caress your stunning form under that sundress. I am not the sort who sees you merely as a receptacle for my own wildest fantasies. I am a caring soul who would keep such lustful thoughts to myself until I had gone out of my way to ease your mind first.

I never would run my hands through your hair, unless I had first gained your explicit approval. I'm not one of those men who only thinks of satisfying his own animal needs. Trust me, if we were ever to get together, I would consider all your needs, both physical and emotional, so you would have no reason to find me selfish.

Please! Don't run away. And when I say "Don't run away," know that I mean it in the least "I'm gonna get you" way possible.

Yes, a man with a less-than-heartfelt desire for your perfect, round, dimpled ass might chase after you as you hurry down the street in an attempt to evade someone you assume only wants to make you feel uncomfortable. But I would never do such a thing. I will only follow discreetly from a safe distance, explaining my good intentions from several paces behind you as I continue to woo and pursue you in my own special non-scary way. You will feel totally at ease once you understand my motives.

I notice that you have not offered me your phone number. No matter. I would never ask you to give me such personal information until I was absolutely sure you were ready to give it to me. I would never want you to think of me as some sort of pervert stalker who follows strange women down the street.

My darling, you must know that I am not one of those repellent lowlifes who make unbelievably attractive women like you afraid to leave the house in short, flimsy dresses like yours merely because they are frightened that showing their perfect, shapely legs might provoke some untoward response. I would never in a million years make you feel the least bit threatened by my all-consuming lust for your tanned, lithe, nubile flesh.

Wait! There's no need for you to quicken your pace to try to outdistance me. I will make my move only when you are ready for my embrace and not one minute sooner. I would never think of forcing my affections upon you one second before you felt completely at ease with the idea of my hands drifting across the contours of your curvaceous torso and exploring your private recesses.

I'll be waiting! Just as soon as you feel non-threatened by me, I'll be here.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close