You Are No Longer Welcome In The Homer Reading Group

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Vol 40 Issue 12

New York Times Seeks Court Order To Remove Tuesdays With Morrie From Bestseller List

NEW YORK—The New York Times announced Monday that it will seek a court order to have Mitch Albom's book of discussions between himself and his dying mentor, Tuesdays With Morrie, forcibly removed from the paperback non-fiction bestseller list. "We've tolerated the old dead guy's ramblings for the past 66 weeks," Times Sunday books-section editor Mel Constantine said. "But now it's simply gotta go. I want Morrie out of my list—permanently." Should the order be successful, the book's slot on the list will be replaced by a line urging readers to donate to the Fresh Air Fund.

Reality Show Slowly Sinks In

EAST LANSING, MI—Though she'd lived in denial for nearly a month, toy-store manager Ellen Cranmer admitted Monday that the reality show The Apprentice has finally sunk in. "Normally I never watch those stupid reality shows, and I certainly don't integrate them into my regular week," Cranmer said. "But since around the time of the Trump Ice challenge, I've been passing on social events so I can be home Thursdays at 9 p.m." Cranmer said that she was shocked when she realized she hadn't missed a single episode, and saddened by her belief that Amy will win.

Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time

MANCHESTER, NH—More than 36 hours after the disappearance of 13-year-old Heather Jordan, Manchester police hired local psychic Lynette Mure-Davis to help waste their valuable time Monday. "I see a river... and along the banks is an outcropping with five lilac bushes," said Mure-Davis, who then paused a full 90 seconds to "collect vibrations" from Jordan's scarf. "I also see a man... tall, but stocky, wearing... a hat. And an animal, perhaps a dog." As of press time, Jordan was still trapped under a collapsed utility shed three blocks west of her house.

Teen Learns The Negligible Value Of A Dollar

ASHLAND, WI—After earning $5 for mowing his family's half-acre lawn, 13-year-old Andrew Mink learned the negligible value of a dollar at the town's sporting-goods store Sunday. "Pops dropped me off at Dunham's before baseball practice so I could buy something with my hard-earned money," Mink said. "I kinda wanted a baseball glove, but that was almost $40. A new bat was, like, $65. Even a batting glove was more than $10." The teen finally found a wristband for $3.99, but he was unable to afford sales tax on the item after reserving one dollar for his bus fare home.

Stewart's Prison Sentence

The nation awaits Martha Stewart's June 17 sentencing, which will reveal how much time she spends in prison. What do you think?

I Hit The Dead-Wife Insurance Jackpot!

Last week, I was Maxwell Linden, lab technician. I was four long years from retirement, sharing a cramped little A-frame with my wife, and driving a Lincoln Mercury seriously in need of a new transmission. Today, call me Mr. Linden, widower extraordinaire. Along with my wife Leah, my financial troubles are gone forever. Even though her life-insurance payout was only $250,000, I feel like a million bucks!
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

You Are No Longer Welcome In The Homer Reading Group

Sorry I'm late. The Gustav Mahler Jugendsymphonie is in town, and I was held back by the conductor, Claudio Abbado—terrible bore, please don't tell I said. But enough about that. Did everyone enjoy the reading of... Wait. What are you doing here? Did you not receive my phone message of 1:43 a.m. Tuesday last? Oh, you received it. Then, as you well know, you are no longer welcome in the Homer reading group.

I was completely serious. You are either in my reading group, or you are in Kouri's Virgil Symposium. A woman cannot drink from two fountains at once, nor can she butter her bread on three sides. You've been sneaking about and I've caught you, so get out. No, do not finish your ouzo. Just go.

Childish? How is that childish? Please, I'd like to know.

Yes, well, that's all very interesting. As much as I hate to interrupt that fascinating monologue, I'm afraid you're wasting the others' valuable learning time. Gather up your vocabulary cards and parsing sheets. Take your lists of Attic equivalents and Homeric exceptions from the push-board in the hall. You may return my Smyth and pay any outstanding copy-charge fees by campus mail. For now, . You are no longer invited to my birthday.

No, it's out of the question. I am afraid you have wounded me, and the wound cannot so easily be healed, two-faced woman of apologies. I might reconsider, were it not for the litany of kicks and bruises I have received: your ignorance of the dual, your difficulty with the circumstantial participle, your tendency to conflate clauses of natural and actual result.

You are, put simply, a lazy student. Like the wren—who has his food dropped into his beak by his mother's claws, and then, by and by, grows, and, on the day he should be able to fly, prefers to fold his wings and nestle on the eagle's crest—so have you been in my weekly reading group. Well, no longer. Go.

As she packs up, let us begin. Book VII, lines 1-12—who has questions? Questions... anyone? Well, if there aren't any, I've an amusing anecdote. I was lunching earlier at Bobbo with Jack Brankowsky from Artforum—I review major openings for them. Well, Brankowsky found, in his left-hand coat pocket, a pheasant bone from a $5,000-a-plate fundraiser held for the Met last January. You see, it's the most amusing story, because Terry Eagleton was quite drunk, and... I'm sorry, who is talking? Aren't you gone?

Oh, I am a histrionic martinet, am I? I, who when orchestrating the summer Ottoman Karagoz series for Professor Buchloh was kind enough to give you the role of craft-service supervisor? I? Who entrusted you with the title of reading-group secretary, shepherded you through books I through VI of the Iliad, and invited you into my own home to look at my collection of bibelots? Histrionic? Well, call me what you will. As Waugh said, "People can call you anything they like, as long as they don't call you a pigeon pie and eat you."

As long as you're still lingering around unwelcome, I've half a mind to return these chocolates you gave me. I shouldn't accept a gift from such a person as you. Yes, take back these chocolates! They are still here in the desk. There are two left. See, yes, here they are, two ginger bonbons, underneath the cardboard divider. See? Take the box with you, as well. I no longer accept the gift.

And, in case you're wondering, I've not forgotten that you have my Middle Liddel and Lexicon Of The Homeric Dialect. Deborah, the new reading-group secretary, if she should choose to accept—shall we talk after group, Deborah? Yes, Deborah will contact you regarding their return, as well as compensation for any highlighting or cocked bindings. That's correct, you no longer hold the office of group secretary. I fire you.

Is that maiden, your tongue, crying out again from behind her picket fence? Please quiet her. I rescind my invitation to her of last month. Don't be coy; it was to program my personal web site. It goes without saying that your hand will no longer take dictation for my column in the newsletter. Return the mailing list to me at your earliest convenience, as those addresses are personal and private. I trust you will delete any and all reading-group contact information from your Outlook folders, as well. And give me your key to the treasury box!

I know you are being absolutely ludicrous, but what am I?

Oh, now I am getting a migraine. This is too-too sad-making. Let us be graceful, I beg you. As in book XXIV, line 507, when Achilles looks down upon Priam, supplicant at his feet, I am weary with lamentations and grief. Please, do not make a scene. Let us not go through the unkind motions of returning gifts. As a gesture of goodwill, I shall accept those last two chocolates.

I said I shall accept and eat those chocolates. . Yes, goodbye then, and take care not to let the door slam. Now, who in the audience—who in the group, I mean, can give me the third person singular, aorist optative middle for ? The dative plural for lie? The nominative singular for woman? The accusative singular for good teacher? Go. ! Excuse me, I believe that pencil belongs to the group.

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