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Vol 36 Issue 25

Terminally Ill Friend Not Much Fun Anymore

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ–Edward DuBrow, diagnosed with terminal leukemia on July 11, is not much fun to hang around with anymore, friends of the East Brunswick 24-year-old said Monday. "Eddie used to be such a wild man," friend Rich Hough said. "We'd go out to bars, and he'd always be the loudest, drunkest, funniest guy in the whole place. Now, he just lies around and talks about medicine and stuff. It's kind of a downer." Liz Appice, DuBrow's longtime girlfriend, has severed all ties to him, saying that "the magic just isn't there anymore."

Mathematician Has Popular Equation Stuck In Head All Day

CAMBRIDGE, MA–MIT mathematics professor Dr. Charles J. Chang has had the Pythagorean Theorem, a popular mathematical equation, running through his head all day, he reported Monday. "I overheard one of my colleagues discussing it with a student this morning, and ever since, I haven't been able to shake the damn thing," Chang said of the simple theorem, which is used to calculate the hypotenuse of a right triangle. "The weird thing is, I'm not even all that into Pythagoras–I mainly read Boolean and Quadratic–but it's just so catchy." Chang has made numerous attempts to get the theorem out of his head, including reading all of E.H. Spanier's Algebraic Topology and calculating the circumferences of various circles.

What Y'all Heard About Tha CPA Convention Be LIES

Yo, peep this: I know all y'all wanna hear about tha mad bugged-out shit that went down at tha annual Monroe County CPA Convention from July 14-16 at tha Ramada Inn Northeast. Y'all heard about tha violence an' tha lootin' an' tha arrests an' all that shit, but I'm here to say that most of that shizit you read in tha newzpaypas an' saw on TV be WACK.

The Queen Mum's 100th

On August 4, the Queen Mother turns 100. How will the beloved British royal's birthday be celebrated?

Parents Of 80-Pound Toddler Lapping Up Publicity

DALTON, GA–At first glance, Angela and Travis Rohner appear to be your average couple. Married for 13 years, these high-school sweethearts have lived their entire lives in Dalton, where Travis works as a parking-garage attendant and Angela is a cashier at the local Wal-Mart.

America's Air-Traffic Jam

Despite FAA efforts to improve the nation's air-traffic-control system, flight delays and cancellations are at an all-time high. What do you think of this steadily worsening problem?

War Talks Begin At Camp Goliath

THURMONT, MD–Unable to reach an accord after two weeks of peace talks at Camp David, Palestinian and Israeli leaders moved to Camp Goliath Monday to begin war talks. "It's still early in the war process, but we have every reason to be optimistic," Israeli prime minister Ehud Barak said. "I am fully confident that by week's end, we will reach an impasse and achieve a state of open hostility between Arabs and Jews." Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat agreed. "From Palestinian sovereignty in East Jerusalem to the fate of West Bank refugee settlements, there is so much we disagree about," Arafat said. "The gap between us should not be difficult to widen." The talks will be brokered by former president Gerald Ford, who won the Nobel War Prize for his role in the 1973 Camp Goliath summit that led to the Yom Kippur War.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Healthy Eating

You Are Now For Sale

As you leaden-pated slow-coaches are too thick to realize that running a multi-tentacled news-paper empire takes an iron will and a strong stomach. If you do not exercise a certain low animal cunning with regard to your employees, occasionally put a business-rival to the garrote, and maintain a strong cash position, the Swiss will be running your news-paper in jig time!

Unfortunately, it is that last one that has brought me up short this time. While I try to keep the Zweibel coffers swollen well above the two-fathom mark, of late they have dwindled considerably. It is possible that I over-did it somewhat on the gold-leaf when iron-lung-refurbishing time came around this year. Also, I have acquired quite a taste for using crisp new hundred-dollar bills to light the gardeners.

But no matter. It is with an eye toward replenishing my assets that I announce the following: The Onion's Middle-Western distribution district, along with all of its facilities, residents, and chattels, is for sale. And if you live in an area where this editorial is running–coastal readers are presently enjoying my report on the virtues of varying grades of enema cloth–then you are part of the bill of goods.

I must admit, I have never thought much of my grand-sire's purchase of the Middle-Western states, a marshy and mosquito-ravaged swath of cow-dung that soon became known as "F. Siegfried's Folly." But that was back in 1793, and while the nick-name remains, the region has almost tripled in value since that time. My solicitor Beavers informs me that the rail-head burg of Chicago, a municipality which once held no higher ambition than being hog-butcher to the world, has doubled in size, despite my best efforts to burn it down for the insurance money. There are even reports that there exists a double-metropolis of some size in the Viking settlement land of Minn-Y-Sow-Tah, and that everything from corn to alfalfa is to be had in the region. I am sure this will push the asking price for the area well up into the millions of dollars–more, even, if I can start a rumor that you people are being considered for state-hood, though I do not believe any-one will fall for that old chest-nut in this day and age.

I do not know who your new owners will be, people of the Middle-West, but I certainly wish them better luck with you than I had! Perhaps some dusky Arab, recently drunken with funds from the popularity of rock-oil as a tonic, will be your new land-lord. Good riddance, I say!

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