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Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

You Are Now For Sale

As you leaden-pated slow-coaches are too thick to realize that running a multi-tentacled news-paper empire takes an iron will and a strong stomach. If you do not exercise a certain low animal cunning with regard to your employees, occasionally put a business-rival to the garrote, and maintain a strong cash position, the Swiss will be running your news-paper in jig time!

Unfortunately, it is that last one that has brought me up short this time. While I try to keep the Zweibel coffers swollen well above the two-fathom mark, of late they have dwindled considerably. It is possible that I over-did it somewhat on the gold-leaf when iron-lung-refurbishing time came around this year. Also, I have acquired quite a taste for using crisp new hundred-dollar bills to light the gardeners.

But no matter. It is with an eye toward replenishing my assets that I announce the following: The Onion's Middle-Western distribution district, along with all of its facilities, residents, and chattels, is for sale. And if you live in an area where this editorial is running–coastal readers are presently enjoying my report on the virtues of varying grades of enema cloth–then you are part of the bill of goods.

I must admit, I have never thought much of my grand-sire's purchase of the Middle-Western states, a marshy and mosquito-ravaged swath of cow-dung that soon became known as "F. Siegfried's Folly." But that was back in 1793, and while the nick-name remains, the region has almost tripled in value since that time. My solicitor Beavers informs me that the rail-head burg of Chicago, a municipality which once held no higher ambition than being hog-butcher to the world, has doubled in size, despite my best efforts to burn it down for the insurance money. There are even reports that there exists a double-metropolis of some size in the Viking settlement land of Minn-Y-Sow-Tah, and that everything from corn to alfalfa is to be had in the region. I am sure this will push the asking price for the area well up into the millions of dollars–more, even, if I can start a rumor that you people are being considered for state-hood, though I do not believe any-one will fall for that old chest-nut in this day and age.

I do not know who your new owners will be, people of the Middle-West, but I certainly wish them better luck with you than I had! Perhaps some dusky Arab, recently drunken with funds from the popularity of rock-oil as a tonic, will be your new land-lord. Good riddance, I say!

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