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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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You Are Now For Sale

As you leaden-pated slow-coaches are too thick to realize that running a multi-tentacled news-paper empire takes an iron will and a strong stomach. If you do not exercise a certain low animal cunning with regard to your employees, occasionally put a business-rival to the garrote, and maintain a strong cash position, the Swiss will be running your news-paper in jig time!

Unfortunately, it is that last one that has brought me up short this time. While I try to keep the Zweibel coffers swollen well above the two-fathom mark, of late they have dwindled considerably. It is possible that I over-did it somewhat on the gold-leaf when iron-lung-refurbishing time came around this year. Also, I have acquired quite a taste for using crisp new hundred-dollar bills to light the gardeners.

But no matter. It is with an eye toward replenishing my assets that I announce the following: The Onion's Middle-Western distribution district, along with all of its facilities, residents, and chattels, is for sale. And if you live in an area where this editorial is running–coastal readers are presently enjoying my report on the virtues of varying grades of enema cloth–then you are part of the bill of goods.

I must admit, I have never thought much of my grand-sire's purchase of the Middle-Western states, a marshy and mosquito-ravaged swath of cow-dung that soon became known as "F. Siegfried's Folly." But that was back in 1793, and while the nick-name remains, the region has almost tripled in value since that time. My solicitor Beavers informs me that the rail-head burg of Chicago, a municipality which once held no higher ambition than being hog-butcher to the world, has doubled in size, despite my best efforts to burn it down for the insurance money. There are even reports that there exists a double-metropolis of some size in the Viking settlement land of Minn-Y-Sow-Tah, and that everything from corn to alfalfa is to be had in the region. I am sure this will push the asking price for the area well up into the millions of dollars–more, even, if I can start a rumor that you people are being considered for state-hood, though I do not believe any-one will fall for that old chest-nut in this day and age.

I do not know who your new owners will be, people of the Middle-West, but I certainly wish them better luck with you than I had! Perhaps some dusky Arab, recently drunken with funds from the popularity of rock-oil as a tonic, will be your new land-lord. Good riddance, I say!

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