You Are The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Who Will Sleep With Me

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Vol 40 Issue 09

Kerry Volunteer Gets Some Kerry-Primary Victory Sex

ST. PAUL, MN—Following U.S. Sen. John Kerry's win in the Minnesota Democratic primary, campaign volunteer Ron Pelles, 24, got a little Kerry-primary victory sex off of fellow volunteer Dawn Beecher Monday. "Dawn and I were on such a high after Kerry took the state," Pelles said Tuesday morning. "She gave me a congratulatory hug while we were loading up the van, and there was just so much energy in the air that—bam!" Pelles said that he and Beecher, a political-science major at the University of St. Thomas, went back to his apartment and had intercourse twice, once with Beecher on top and once in the spoon position.

Texan Feels Emotionally Empty After Chili Cook-off

EL PASO, TX—Native Texan and chili chef Jerry Gerber, 41, said he has been suffering a palpable sense of melancholy ever since the 17th Annual Five-Alarm Chili Cook-Off on Feb. 28 ended. "Spend all year gittin' together the hottest, rootin'-tootinest, mule-kickinest chili this side of the Rio Grande, and whadya git fer yer troubles?" Gerber said Tuesday. "Shucks, you eat it and then you're all hat and no horse." In lieu of seeking professional help, Gerber said he plans to force himself back into the saddle by beginning work on his entry for the Texas Beef Council Steak-A-Thon in June.

Masters In Writing Fails To Create Master Of Writing

PALO ALTO, CA—Despite completing all the requirements for a Masters of Fine Arts in creative writing from Stanford University in January, Jeremy Craig Kessler somehow failed to become a master of creative writing, sources reported Monday. "Mr. Kessler's short stories, all written in the style of T.C. Boyle, show little more than excellence in spelling and grammar," said literary agent David Conrad. "Somehow, Kessler advanced to the very highest level of the academic program and has only an average body of work to show for it." Photocopies of Kessler's short-story collection can be purchased at jckessler.com.

Crank Caller Keeps Jerking Local News Team Around

PLATTSBURGH, NY—The Channel 5 Action News Team was duped once again by a crank call to the WPTZ breaking-news hotline Monday. "I should have known it was too good to be true that Jared [Fogle] would be filming a commercial at the Subway on Campus Drive," reporter Graham Johnson announced from the scene of the restaurant. "I knew that British accent seemed familiar, but it wasn't until we'd all jumped out of the van and rushed into the Subway that I figured it out. The same guy called about the escaped ape last week." Johnson vowed never to ignore his journalistic instincts again.

The New CPR

In a major shift in the emergency care of cardiac arrest, doctors are recommending a simpler form of CPR that eliminates mouth-to-mouth breathing. What are the other changes to CPR?

Virulent Strain Of Soy Flu Traced To Single Tofurkey

SAN FRANCISCO—A virulent strain of soy flu has been traced to a single tofurkey at a Bay Area food-processing factory. "An investigation of Green Earth Foods has located the bird-shaped loaf of firm bean curd from which the infection originated," said Dr. Julie L. Gerberding, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "To prevent further spreading of the disease, all tofurkeys in Northern California are being quarantined and destroyed." Gerberding said it appears that the soy virus was not transmitted to the factory's Spaghetti & Wheatballs Microwaveable Entree division.
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You Are The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Who Will Sleep With Me

Darling, I love you. You are truly the most amazing woman I'll ever lay my hands on. Could it be true, I ask myself? Is this gorgeous woman actually willing to let me have sex with her? A woman more lovely than any other woman I've ever met and been allowed to touch? The answer is yes! Of all the women on this earth, you are the single most beautiful one who is willing to let me sleep with her.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. You are beautiful, and you will let me sleep with you.

I have never seen a woman with such long, lustrous hair and such stunning eyes naked in person. I know deep in my heart that you possess the greatest beauty I could ever hope to find in a person willing to have sex with me.

These might sound like nothing more than honeyed words. You might think I'm merely flattering you. Nothing could be further from the truth. No one on this earth is more wonderful than you—excepting, of course, the various women more beautiful than yourself who are not willing to sleep with me. But those women are neither here nor there—or, rather, they are not here.

How great is your beauty? I can describe it in a mathematical formula. Given A, the set of all women, and B, a subset of A comprising women who are willing to sleep with me, you are the most beautiful member of subset B, my darling.

Believe me, there are no other women in my life like you. None at all, my precious darling! I'd know if there were, because I would be sleeping with them. But as it stands, you are the one and only!

Oh, yes, I could chase other women, but I want no one but you. Why? Because you are more attractive than the other women I've met lately who are willing to go out with me. Yes, it's true! Let me shout it from the rooftops: You are the prettiest woman in my dating range!

Sure, other women may be more superficially beautiful to others, or to myself. Their lips might be a little fuller, and their bodies just a bit nicer. Their bottom teeth might be perfectly straight, while yours are not. But those women usually will only let me fawn over them, and occasionally, drunkenly, they will let me grope them. This is why I only have eyes for you.

Believe me, I've spent many, many hours trying to convince perfect women to date me, but they are not interested. You are. That makes you the most special woman in my world.

I suppose that someday I might meet an absolutely stunning woman willing to go to bed with me. Should that day come, I would cry tears of terrible sorrow, for the unique and special bond that is our true romantic love would be torn asunder. Doubtless, I would also cry tears of joy, though, for I would be able to sleep with someone even more beautiful than you—something I hardly dreamed possible.

Though it makes my heart race to imagine sleeping with someone more beautiful than you, I'm not holding my breath. This is the real world, not some fantasyland. But I don't even mind these harsh truths, my darling! For I realize how lucky I am to have even found you. You are right here, sitting next to me, flesh and blood, and you will sleep with me. I have never been physically closer to anyone as good-looking as you.

So, let the heavens ring out. Let gentle angels sing the mighty song of our love! Yes, I am in love with a beautiful creature, one who will let me ball her! Love!

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