adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.
End Of Section
  • More News

You Are The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Who Will Sleep With Me

Darling, I love you. You are truly the most amazing woman I'll ever lay my hands on. Could it be true, I ask myself? Is this gorgeous woman actually willing to let me have sex with her? A woman more lovely than any other woman I've ever met and been allowed to touch? The answer is yes! Of all the women on this earth, you are the single most beautiful one who is willing to let me sleep with her.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. You are beautiful, and you will let me sleep with you.

I have never seen a woman with such long, lustrous hair and such stunning eyes naked in person. I know deep in my heart that you possess the greatest beauty I could ever hope to find in a person willing to have sex with me.

These might sound like nothing more than honeyed words. You might think I'm merely flattering you. Nothing could be further from the truth. No one on this earth is more wonderful than you—excepting, of course, the various women more beautiful than yourself who are not willing to sleep with me. But those women are neither here nor there—or, rather, they are not here.

How great is your beauty? I can describe it in a mathematical formula. Given A, the set of all women, and B, a subset of A comprising women who are willing to sleep with me, you are the most beautiful member of subset B, my darling.

Believe me, there are no other women in my life like you. None at all, my precious darling! I'd know if there were, because I would be sleeping with them. But as it stands, you are the one and only!

Oh, yes, I could chase other women, but I want no one but you. Why? Because you are more attractive than the other women I've met lately who are willing to go out with me. Yes, it's true! Let me shout it from the rooftops: You are the prettiest woman in my dating range!

Sure, other women may be more superficially beautiful to others, or to myself. Their lips might be a little fuller, and their bodies just a bit nicer. Their bottom teeth might be perfectly straight, while yours are not. But those women usually will only let me fawn over them, and occasionally, drunkenly, they will let me grope them. This is why I only have eyes for you.

Believe me, I've spent many, many hours trying to convince perfect women to date me, but they are not interested. You are. That makes you the most special woman in my world.

I suppose that someday I might meet an absolutely stunning woman willing to go to bed with me. Should that day come, I would cry tears of terrible sorrow, for the unique and special bond that is our true romantic love would be torn asunder. Doubtless, I would also cry tears of joy, though, for I would be able to sleep with someone even more beautiful than you—something I hardly dreamed possible.

Though it makes my heart race to imagine sleeping with someone more beautiful than you, I'm not holding my breath. This is the real world, not some fantasyland. But I don't even mind these harsh truths, my darling! For I realize how lucky I am to have even found you. You are right here, sitting next to me, flesh and blood, and you will sleep with me. I have never been physically closer to anyone as good-looking as you.

So, let the heavens ring out. Let gentle angels sing the mighty song of our love! Yes, I am in love with a beautiful creature, one who will let me ball her! Love!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close