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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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You Are The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Who Will Sleep With Me

Darling, I love you. You are truly the most amazing woman I'll ever lay my hands on. Could it be true, I ask myself? Is this gorgeous woman actually willing to let me have sex with her? A woman more lovely than any other woman I've ever met and been allowed to touch? The answer is yes! Of all the women on this earth, you are the single most beautiful one who is willing to let me sleep with her.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. You are beautiful, and you will let me sleep with you.

I have never seen a woman with such long, lustrous hair and such stunning eyes naked in person. I know deep in my heart that you possess the greatest beauty I could ever hope to find in a person willing to have sex with me.

These might sound like nothing more than honeyed words. You might think I'm merely flattering you. Nothing could be further from the truth. No one on this earth is more wonderful than you—excepting, of course, the various women more beautiful than yourself who are not willing to sleep with me. But those women are neither here nor there—or, rather, they are not here.

How great is your beauty? I can describe it in a mathematical formula. Given A, the set of all women, and B, a subset of A comprising women who are willing to sleep with me, you are the most beautiful member of subset B, my darling.

Believe me, there are no other women in my life like you. None at all, my precious darling! I'd know if there were, because I would be sleeping with them. But as it stands, you are the one and only!

Oh, yes, I could chase other women, but I want no one but you. Why? Because you are more attractive than the other women I've met lately who are willing to go out with me. Yes, it's true! Let me shout it from the rooftops: You are the prettiest woman in my dating range!

Sure, other women may be more superficially beautiful to others, or to myself. Their lips might be a little fuller, and their bodies just a bit nicer. Their bottom teeth might be perfectly straight, while yours are not. But those women usually will only let me fawn over them, and occasionally, drunkenly, they will let me grope them. This is why I only have eyes for you.

Believe me, I've spent many, many hours trying to convince perfect women to date me, but they are not interested. You are. That makes you the most special woman in my world.

I suppose that someday I might meet an absolutely stunning woman willing to go to bed with me. Should that day come, I would cry tears of terrible sorrow, for the unique and special bond that is our true romantic love would be torn asunder. Doubtless, I would also cry tears of joy, though, for I would be able to sleep with someone even more beautiful than you—something I hardly dreamed possible.

Though it makes my heart race to imagine sleeping with someone more beautiful than you, I'm not holding my breath. This is the real world, not some fantasyland. But I don't even mind these harsh truths, my darling! For I realize how lucky I am to have even found you. You are right here, sitting next to me, flesh and blood, and you will sleep with me. I have never been physically closer to anyone as good-looking as you.

So, let the heavens ring out. Let gentle angels sing the mighty song of our love! Yes, I am in love with a beautiful creature, one who will let me ball her! Love!

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