adBlockCheck

You Can Fire My Body, But My Soul Will Remain At Chesterfield Mutual

Top Headlines

Recent News

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

You Can Fire My Body, But My Soul Will Remain At Chesterfield Mutual

And so it ends.

Coworkers, colleagues, brethren: I have just been informed that my time at Chesterfield Mutual must come to an unceremonious end. I have but 20 minutes to gather my things before I am escorted to the parking lot, never to return to this two-story multipurpose office space again. But do not weep for me, dear friends. For though my earthly form may be banished from these hallowed halls, take heart that my soul will remain wandering forever here, at Chesterfield Mutual.

This insurance office and I are cosmically bound. That was something the higher-ups never seemed to understand. Sure, they can fire me. They can take away my ID badge and parking pass, and turn my cubicle into additional storage space for printing supplies. But my eternal essence will still emanate from every crack and crevice of this place. My body may be at home, watching CSI marathons and eating cold taquitos out of a bowl, but my spirit will be near you—most likely standing by the copier wasting valuable company time.

Your eyes will no longer perceive my large, sometimes a little smelly physical form moving among you, popping in 15 minutes late to every meeting, but I promise, you will still feel my presence. Every time an inappropriate joke has been posted on the bulletin board, every time there is fresh urine on the toilet seat, every time the coffee has been finished off but no one has made a fresh batch, you will know that I never truly left you.

Despite what building security tells you, I will not be leaving Chesterfield Mutual immediately. Not all of me, anyway. Yes, my body will soon be receiving unemployment checks at 184 Laurel Ave., but my soul—my inner self—will never stop making excuses for every unimaginably simple task.

The unshakable union I have formed here in the Akron claims department is stronger than anything a sudden termination based on suspicion of office-supply theft and chronic absenteeism could sever.

Do not despair. This is a sad moment for all of us, and change is difficult to accept. I'm sure it will take months for Patricia to adjust to not having me disrupt her phone calls with asinine questions so I can openly ogle her cleavage, but adapt we must. I only hope she finds comfort in the knowledge that, in my heart, I will always be leering at her breasts. Not to mention I also took a photo of them on my phone once when she thought I was sending a text message, and then forwarded it to myself.

Brendan, Jack, Marcy—indeed, the whole accounting department—fret not: My spirit will forever linger near your offices, even though my spirit has no business being on that floor except to push off some work on you that I said I already did and tried to send off in an e-mail but then "forgot" to include the attachment. Perhaps you'll feel nothing but a cold chill and an unexplainable urge to cancel your lunch plans, but that's how you will know Roger Jankowski is still with you.

That is, unless my intangible essence has another dentist appointment and it's not in yet. It'll be in at 3 p.m. unless there's bad traffic, and then it might just take the rest of the day off.

Don't you see? The HR department can never destroy what we have! They've only made our bond stronger, for now it is immortal, timeless. My presence at Chesterfield Mutual is no longer constricted by the standard nine-to-five grind. A part of me will always be present within those gray, concrete walls, playing Freecell and trying to cut out at 4:30 without Mark or Rebecca noticing.

The overwhelming whiffs of my aftershave, the tiny pieces of rolled-up paper I litter around the conference room, my insistence on referring to everyone as "kid": these reminders of me will find you in your darkest moments and keep you going. And you must keep going. If not for the sake of Chesterfield Mutual, then for the hope that you will someday see me, standing before you once again, probably at the Annual Picnic if they have it in the same place as last year.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close