adBlockCheck

You Can Fire My Body, But My Soul Will Remain At Chesterfield Mutual

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

You Can Fire My Body, But My Soul Will Remain At Chesterfield Mutual

And so it ends.

Coworkers, colleagues, brethren: I have just been informed that my time at Chesterfield Mutual must come to an unceremonious end. I have but 20 minutes to gather my things before I am escorted to the parking lot, never to return to this two-story multipurpose office space again. But do not weep for me, dear friends. For though my earthly form may be banished from these hallowed halls, take heart that my soul will remain wandering forever here, at Chesterfield Mutual.

This insurance office and I are cosmically bound. That was something the higher-ups never seemed to understand. Sure, they can fire me. They can take away my ID badge and parking pass, and turn my cubicle into additional storage space for printing supplies. But my eternal essence will still emanate from every crack and crevice of this place. My body may be at home, watching CSI marathons and eating cold taquitos out of a bowl, but my spirit will be near you—most likely standing by the copier wasting valuable company time.

Your eyes will no longer perceive my large, sometimes a little smelly physical form moving among you, popping in 15 minutes late to every meeting, but I promise, you will still feel my presence. Every time an inappropriate joke has been posted on the bulletin board, every time there is fresh urine on the toilet seat, every time the coffee has been finished off but no one has made a fresh batch, you will know that I never truly left you.

Despite what building security tells you, I will not be leaving Chesterfield Mutual immediately. Not all of me, anyway. Yes, my body will soon be receiving unemployment checks at 184 Laurel Ave., but my soul—my inner self—will never stop making excuses for every unimaginably simple task.

The unshakable union I have formed here in the Akron claims department is stronger than anything a sudden termination based on suspicion of office-supply theft and chronic absenteeism could sever.

Do not despair. This is a sad moment for all of us, and change is difficult to accept. I'm sure it will take months for Patricia to adjust to not having me disrupt her phone calls with asinine questions so I can openly ogle her cleavage, but adapt we must. I only hope she finds comfort in the knowledge that, in my heart, I will always be leering at her breasts. Not to mention I also took a photo of them on my phone once when she thought I was sending a text message, and then forwarded it to myself.

Brendan, Jack, Marcy—indeed, the whole accounting department—fret not: My spirit will forever linger near your offices, even though my spirit has no business being on that floor except to push off some work on you that I said I already did and tried to send off in an e-mail but then "forgot" to include the attachment. Perhaps you'll feel nothing but a cold chill and an unexplainable urge to cancel your lunch plans, but that's how you will know Roger Jankowski is still with you.

That is, unless my intangible essence has another dentist appointment and it's not in yet. It'll be in at 3 p.m. unless there's bad traffic, and then it might just take the rest of the day off.

Don't you see? The HR department can never destroy what we have! They've only made our bond stronger, for now it is immortal, timeless. My presence at Chesterfield Mutual is no longer constricted by the standard nine-to-five grind. A part of me will always be present within those gray, concrete walls, playing Freecell and trying to cut out at 4:30 without Mark or Rebecca noticing.

The overwhelming whiffs of my aftershave, the tiny pieces of rolled-up paper I litter around the conference room, my insistence on referring to everyone as "kid": these reminders of me will find you in your darkest moments and keep you going. And you must keep going. If not for the sake of Chesterfield Mutual, then for the hope that you will someday see me, standing before you once again, probably at the Annual Picnic if they have it in the same place as last year.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close