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You Do Not Deserve Me

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

You Do Not Deserve Me

It has been brought to my attention that there are some members of my porcine reader-ship herd who do not realize that my column is the jewel in the Onion news-paper's tarnished crown, and call upon the current editors to remove it altogether. My response to them is the same as it is to all readers, whether they be cut-throat nay-sayers or members of my lick-spittle sycophantry: To Hell with the lot of you! You will live longer by feasting on your own fetid night-soil than by trying to appeal to the emotions of T. Herman Zweibel!

I admit that my column is at least a partial failure. I have tried and tried to guide and influence you peasants with the harsh, printed truth. I could have used the much more cost-effective method of brightly colored propaganda posters and merry buntings, or had you economically manipulated by secret business-men's-clubs, or instructed Standish to have salt-peter dumped into the reservoirs, but as far as you know, I did not! No, I appealed instead to your primitive sense of rectitude. Yet you continue to ignore my writings in favor of columns by pussy cat loving women or near-illiterate ledger-accountants.

You do not deserve to read my wisdom or the news-paper in which it is printed! Of course, you deserve only to have your still-burning bodies stretched on the rack by black-a-moors, but I have said so before. Had you listened to me, the rivers of this Republic would have run black with strip-mine tailings, her slums would have overflowed with oppressed ethnic types, her forests would have fallen before the ax, and her laborers would not spend so much time in elementary schools. Instead, very little progress has been made at all.

I do not perform the service of writing this weekly column for my health, you should know! Far from it, as its dictation into the wire-recorder so saps the strength of my frail carcass that I inevitably succumb to coughing-fits worthy of the tuberculosis, occasionally causing several of my ribs to snap with a sound like wind-chimes. On the other hand, I do not write it for you under-men, either, as you consistently ignore my wishes by electing non-Whig Presidents, patronizing non-Onion advertisers, and allowing your women-folk to wear shoes. I write so that the sweet release of Death will find my life-long word-count far outstripping that of that shit-ass Hearst, and don't you forget it.

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