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You Do Not Deserve Me

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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You Do Not Deserve Me

It has been brought to my attention that there are some members of my porcine reader-ship herd who do not realize that my column is the jewel in the Onion news-paper's tarnished crown, and call upon the current editors to remove it altogether. My response to them is the same as it is to all readers, whether they be cut-throat nay-sayers or members of my lick-spittle sycophantry: To Hell with the lot of you! You will live longer by feasting on your own fetid night-soil than by trying to appeal to the emotions of T. Herman Zweibel!

I admit that my column is at least a partial failure. I have tried and tried to guide and influence you peasants with the harsh, printed truth. I could have used the much more cost-effective method of brightly colored propaganda posters and merry buntings, or had you economically manipulated by secret business-men's-clubs, or instructed Standish to have salt-peter dumped into the reservoirs, but as far as you know, I did not! No, I appealed instead to your primitive sense of rectitude. Yet you continue to ignore my writings in favor of columns by pussy cat loving women or near-illiterate ledger-accountants.

You do not deserve to read my wisdom or the news-paper in which it is printed! Of course, you deserve only to have your still-burning bodies stretched on the rack by black-a-moors, but I have said so before. Had you listened to me, the rivers of this Republic would have run black with strip-mine tailings, her slums would have overflowed with oppressed ethnic types, her forests would have fallen before the ax, and her laborers would not spend so much time in elementary schools. Instead, very little progress has been made at all.

I do not perform the service of writing this weekly column for my health, you should know! Far from it, as its dictation into the wire-recorder so saps the strength of my frail carcass that I inevitably succumb to coughing-fits worthy of the tuberculosis, occasionally causing several of my ribs to snap with a sound like wind-chimes. On the other hand, I do not write it for you under-men, either, as you consistently ignore my wishes by electing non-Whig Presidents, patronizing non-Onion advertisers, and allowing your women-folk to wear shoes. I write so that the sweet release of Death will find my life-long word-count far outstripping that of that shit-ass Hearst, and don't you forget it.

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