adBlockCheck

You Do, Of Course, Realize That This Is Going To End Very, Very Badly

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

You Do, Of Course, Realize That This Is Going To End Very, Very Badly

Like millions of viewers around the nation, I was thrilled this week when TLC renewed my television show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, for a second fun-filled season. It fills my heart with joy to know that our raucous Southern lifestyle in rural Georgia entertained so many families and started a "redneck fever.” Heck, more people watched ‘Honey Boo Boo’ than the Republican National Convention. That’s really something!

So as me, Mama, Glitzy and eleven-fingered baby Kaitlyn gear up for the next chapter of Piggly Wiggly and pageantry, I want to take a moment to thank all of our fans out there and to remind them that this charade is, of course, going to end very, very badly.

You know that, right? That my whole life is, sooner or later, going to wind up being a complete and utter train wreck of delusion and misery? Just want everybody to be clear on that.

Again, I’m glad people are enjoying the show. It is definitely good that people enjoy gathering around the television and laughing at my chubby cheeks, and my tacky family, and all of our hysterical antics. Just so long, of course, as people are aware that there is no possible scenario in which I will grow up to be a functional human being who is healthy and psychologically well-adjusted. Or successful. Or anything but a sick punchline, or worse. Because viewers should already know that. I mean, I’m a 7-year-old girl who regularly consumes a combination of Red Bull and Mountain Dew, for God’s sake. And who loves constantly mugging in front of a camera at an age when a human being generally shouldn’t be doing that kind of thing.

But, then again, what am I saying. Of course people know this! Of course people understand implicitly that I am going to one day in the near future develop serious health problems not limited to massive weight gain, type II diabetes, and likely drug addiction as a result of emotional maladjustment and years of unrestricted access to dangerous substances provided by television producers and sponsors. You’d kind of have to be a willfully clueless idiot not to realize that, after all. That’s something anyone who’s watched even one second of my show, particularly any moment that involves me or my family eating or speaking, would realize.

So, assuming you all understand this, then that means you are all totally okay with gleefully laughing at me and my family, even when there is a pretty darn good chance that an act of horrific violence may very well lurk in my not-too-distant future. An act of violence that, say, 10 or 15 years from now will make people who once watched my show say, “Oh my God, that’s awful. What a sad and fucked up little life she had. Well, that’s what happens when someone is given that much attention and exposure at such an early age. It warps their mind and makes it impossible for them to develop into normal adults.”

Those are words you will speak one day. And you’re okay with that, right? You should probably be okay with that if you want to keep watching my show.

And, as any television viewer with even one shred of common sense surely knows, that’s only in the best-case scenario. In the worst-case scenario, my reckless behavior and destructive lifestyle will entangle dozens of people within an inner circle of handlers, publicists and hangers-on with whom I’m still able to surround myself due to appearances at nightclubs and adult magazines, which will pay just enough money to keep me from insolvency—that is, until I reach an age in which the public inevitably tires of me and I have to resort to pornography or prostitution.

These things may not happen in the immediate future or even within the next few decades, but rest assured that they will more than likely happen sometime during my lifetime, a lifetime that will probably end before age 45, in large part due to years of hard partying, substance abuse, reckless driving, or some combination of those three, if not by outright suicide brought on by years of depression and estrangement from family.

Also, just to be clear, when you look at me, I do hope a series of images rushes across your brain, including a breaking TMZ alert about my possible death, a hastily-aggregated Huffington Post slideshow titled “Honey Boo Boo Through The Years—which will showcase childhood pageant photos, mugshots from multiple arrests, before-and-after shots from plastic surgery procedures, and completely staged paparazzi photos from when I needed some extra cash—and the leaked photo of my corpse that an undisclosed family member will sell to the tabloids for $15,000. You should definitely see all of that. As I’m sure you do.

But I hope I haven’t given the wrong impression. By all means, continue watching the show. After all, it’s a hell of a good time! No one who’s seen me practice a new dance routine for an upcoming pageant can argue that it’s not adorable, especially when I’m dressed up like a sex icon like Madonna or Britney Spears.

Of course, they also can’t argue that years of participating in pageants that shamelessly exploit young girls’ bodies could possibly lead to anything other than my developing a horrible relationship with my body and view of female sexuality, causing me to either overeat, starve myself, cut myself, undergo regular liposuction, become pregnant accidentally, and generally destroy myself trying to fill the hollow void left by the deceivingly glamorous and fun-filled stardom of my youth. Definitely can’t argue that.

Anyway, love y’all! Thanks for watching!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close