adBlockCheck

You Haven't Watched Television Until You've Done It At My House

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Dad Locks Into Elaborate Chess Match With Lawn Mower Salesman

TACOMA, WA—Intermittently shifting his gaze between his opponent and the product brochure in his hands as he shrewdly calculated his next move, local father Thomas McCabe became locked into an intricate chess match Thursday with riding lawn mower salesman Keith Porter, family sources reported.

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

You Haven't Watched Television Until You've Done It At My House

Are you busy tonight? Just going to curl up at home and watch a little teev? I mean TV. I call it teev, because when you have a sweet setup like I do, you have to have a name for it.

What do you have back home? I'm guessing a 27-inch. Maybe basic cable, if you splurged. Sorry, I shouldn't give you a hard time. I don't know what you do at home. I just know that you haven't watched TV until you've done it at my house.

I have a total broadcast-immersion environment.

That's correct. You get lost in the experience. You should totally come by and check it out. It's cool if you can't, though. I'm happy to watch TV all by myself. I just thought that you might like to drop by and see for yourself. Not to brag, but my 32-inch flat screen will blow your ass away.

Don't get me wrong: Any asshole can have a 32-incher. The difference is that I've got a whole killer setup. My parents gave me their old couch, and I loaded it up with throw pillows, so it's more like a super-couch. You can just sink right in and enjoy, like you're being held softly in place so you can enjoy the program more.

What do you need a bigger set for anyway? It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean. And that's what you'll feel like at my place. Like you're being rocked by the ocean on an entertainment craft from the old times. If more people come over, I have extra chairs for them, too. I can comfortably seat, like, eight people to watch some programs.

How about it? If you drop by, one thing I know I won't hear is complaints that the glare from the screen is keeping you from seeing what's going on. You know why? There isn't any. I've blocked out all the windows with Venetian blinds and positioned the lamps off to the side so that they provide just enough light to see what you're doing. No more. It's perfect.

Oh, and I have chips.

Beer too.

Good TV isn't just about what you're watching, but what you're doing. You gotta have a beer with your teev. It's just nice to have something in your hand while you watch. Do you smoke pot? I'm going to be straight with you. I do. It's cool if you don't. I'm just saying that the option is there if you want it. It can really help you get into the show. It helps me. No pressure. Seriously, it's cool. More for me.

You like movies? Me too. I love that 5.1 Dolby surround sound. It's killer. It puts you right in the fucking movie. Take something with action in it, like Batman Begins. The action is all around you. You can re-create that at home, no problem. It's called a home theater system. I don't have it yet, but I'm going to. I have a friend who works at Circuit City who's going to hook me up.

Oh! I forgot to tell you. I get a lot of the latest DVD releases sent to my doorstep, plus I got a pretty killer library. I love DVD extras. Sometimes, I'll pick a night and just watch those. But if you just want to channel surf, I would be cool with that.

When I pop a DVD in the tray, I'm not just getting ready to watch a movie, I'm about to party with it. When you're at my place, if you're watching The Apprentice and Trump fires someone, they feel fired. They aren't getting up from that.

Think it over. If you decide to drop by, I'm at home most of the time. Just call beforehand to make sure I'm awake. You know? Day or night, I'm up for it. I'm totally up for it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close