adBlockCheck

You Haven't Watched Television Until You've Done It At My House

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Television

You Haven't Watched Television Until You've Done It At My House

Are you busy tonight? Just going to curl up at home and watch a little teev? I mean TV. I call it teev, because when you have a sweet setup like I do, you have to have a name for it.

What do you have back home? I'm guessing a 27-inch. Maybe basic cable, if you splurged. Sorry, I shouldn't give you a hard time. I don't know what you do at home. I just know that you haven't watched TV until you've done it at my house.

I have a total broadcast-immersion environment.

That's correct. You get lost in the experience. You should totally come by and check it out. It's cool if you can't, though. I'm happy to watch TV all by myself. I just thought that you might like to drop by and see for yourself. Not to brag, but my 32-inch flat screen will blow your ass away.

Don't get me wrong: Any asshole can have a 32-incher. The difference is that I've got a whole killer setup. My parents gave me their old couch, and I loaded it up with throw pillows, so it's more like a super-couch. You can just sink right in and enjoy, like you're being held softly in place so you can enjoy the program more.

What do you need a bigger set for anyway? It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean. And that's what you'll feel like at my place. Like you're being rocked by the ocean on an entertainment craft from the old times. If more people come over, I have extra chairs for them, too. I can comfortably seat, like, eight people to watch some programs.

How about it? If you drop by, one thing I know I won't hear is complaints that the glare from the screen is keeping you from seeing what's going on. You know why? There isn't any. I've blocked out all the windows with Venetian blinds and positioned the lamps off to the side so that they provide just enough light to see what you're doing. No more. It's perfect.

Oh, and I have chips.

Beer too.

Good TV isn't just about what you're watching, but what you're doing. You gotta have a beer with your teev. It's just nice to have something in your hand while you watch. Do you smoke pot? I'm going to be straight with you. I do. It's cool if you don't. I'm just saying that the option is there if you want it. It can really help you get into the show. It helps me. No pressure. Seriously, it's cool. More for me.

You like movies? Me too. I love that 5.1 Dolby surround sound. It's killer. It puts you right in the fucking movie. Take something with action in it, like Batman Begins. The action is all around you. You can re-create that at home, no problem. It's called a home theater system. I don't have it yet, but I'm going to. I have a friend who works at Circuit City who's going to hook me up.

Oh! I forgot to tell you. I get a lot of the latest DVD releases sent to my doorstep, plus I got a pretty killer library. I love DVD extras. Sometimes, I'll pick a night and just watch those. But if you just want to channel surf, I would be cool with that.

When I pop a DVD in the tray, I'm not just getting ready to watch a movie, I'm about to party with it. When you're at my place, if you're watching The Apprentice and Trump fires someone, they feel fired. They aren't getting up from that.

Think it over. If you decide to drop by, I'm at home most of the time. Just call beforehand to make sure I'm awake. You know? Day or night, I'm up for it. I'm totally up for it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close