You Hurt Me Just Now When You Hit Me With That Shovel

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Vol 37 Issue 22

Astronomers Admit They Made Neptune Up

LONDON–An elaborate, 155-year-old hoax was revealed Monday, when the Royal Astronomical Society confessed that the planet Neptune does not exist. "It appears to have begun in 1846, when Johann Galle needed a big discovery to give his career a jump-start, so he fabricated this new planet," said Royal Astronomical Society president N.O. Weiss. "Ever since, every astronomer who's wanted some attention has come up with some new report on 'Neptune' and made up some rubbish to support it. I swear, we meant to come clean eventually, but the whole thing just kind of snowballed."

Woman Puts Cool Whip Containers To Every Conceivable Use

TERRE HAUTE, IN–According to neighbors, Terre Haute homemaker Barb Lake puts empty Cool Whip non-dairy whipped-topping tubs to a staggering array of uses. "She stores leftovers in them, pots plants in them, keeps sewing supplies in them," next-door neighbor Paula Brearly said Monday. "Last year, she made Halloween masks with them. Oh, and she turned them into musical instruments for her daughter's Brownie troop." Brearly added that she has "no clue" how Lake manages to go through so much Cool Whip in the first place.

Energy-Drink Mania

Sales of high-caffeine "energy drinks" like Red Bull are soaring. Why are the beverages so popular?

The $3 Billion Judgment

Last week, a Los Angeles jury ordered Philip Morris to pay $3 billion in punitive damages to a longtime smoker who has lung cancer. What do you think?

I Have Been Too Generous With My Gum

I love gum. Anyone who spends time around me knows this to be true. No matter where I am, whether in my home or office or car, I always have at least three or four packs around me. From Big Red to Chiclets, from Trident to Plen-T-Paks of Juicy Fruit, I'm never far from a fresh stick of delicious chewing gum. Yes, I love gum and always have plen-T of it on hand.

Everything Better Now In Oklahoma City

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK–Timothy McVeigh's death by lethal injection Monday has made everything perfect in Oklahoma City, his 168 victims' loved ones describing themselves as feeling "100 percent better." "I just know my baby girl is up there in heaven, smiling down on this execution, happy as can be," said a beaming George Browne, whose 7-year-old daughter Brianna died in the 1995 federal-building blast. "Her death is avenged, and everything's great." Said Oklahoma City schoolteacher Sherrie Olsacher, 37, who was blinded in the bombing: "You can't imagine how healing this is. My eyesight's even returned." Moments after McVeigh was pronounced dead, 168 white doves were seen soaring over the city, racing toward a suddenly cloudless horizon that beckoned the dawn of a glorious new day.
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You Hurt Me Just Now When You Hit Me With That Shovel

We've known each other for a long time now, and I think you know I'd never try to stop you from expressing what you feel. But I also have to express what I'm feeling, and what I'm feeling is hurt. Badly. I just want you to know that you really hurt me when you hit me in the face with that shovel.

I've tried hard not to let my pain show, but it's not easy. Maybe you can tell by the sad, confused expression I wear these days. Or the rivers of blood streaming down my face. But since you don't seem to realize what you've done, I guess I have to come right out and tell you that your actions have caused harm.

I realize empathy isn't your strong suit. Let me assure you, though, that getting walloped in the side of the face with a steel shovel hurts. Is that what you intended to do–hurt me? Believe me, I've tried my best to give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you were just trying to get my attention. Maybe you were showing off how good you are at swinging shovels. Or maybe you were signaling an airplane with it and lost control, sending it careening into the side of my skull. I hope so. But my gut instinct says your intent was to cause me pain, and I think you should know you did.

It's going to take a long time to get over this. This isn't something that just goes away. It'd be nice if the healing process were fast, but it'll probably be at least six months. This isn't the first time I've been hurt by someone I cared for, so I know what I'm talking about. What you've given me is a wound that may never heal. Even if it does, the scars will remain.

You owe it to me to at least talk about why you did what you did. Something like this will just fester if we try to pretend it never happened. If we ignore it, the six-inch gash in my cheek will get infected, bubbling over with gangrenous pus. But if, on the other hand, we work hard to make things better, with some time, understanding, and good old-fashioned reconstructive surgery, things might one day go back to the way they were. Especially around my left eye socket.

It's really just a matter of trust. And right now, I honestly don't trust you with a shovel anymore.

Okay, so maybe you didn't mean to hurt me as severely as you did. In moments of anger, people often don't realize the power of their actions. They don't understand that braining someone with a blunt object can really do harm. They just want to lash out, figuring you're more resilient than you really are. But now you can see that human beings, at their core, are fragile creatures. They can break. They can have their cheekbones shattered.

Look, we're all wounded creatures in our own way. No one goes through life without enduring his share of hurt and pain. But we owe it to each other to try to minimize that trauma, be it heart or head. So, next time you feel the urge to lash out at me, be it with a cruel remark or a nine-pound spade, remember that I bleed, just like you.

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