You Jeanketeers Could Have Said Something Earlier, You Know!

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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You Jeanketeers Could Have Said Something Earlier, You Know!

Know that old adage "You learn something new every day"? Well, I don't believe it's literally true; before this weekend, I, myself, had only learned two new things in the past month—that cold water is good for piecrusts, and where Victoria Principal is now (answer: in California promoting her skin care line). Instead, it only seems like you learn something new every day when that something you've learned is so mind-blowing that you wonder why you've never heard it before! For those of you without your Jeanese translators, here's what I mean.

On Sunday, I was brunching with my bud Patti at Ruby Tuesday, and she was all excited because, years after her painful divorce, she finally met a terrific guy! They've been dating about five months, and she told me that everything feels right—"not a cloud in the sky," she said.

If anyone deserves happiness, it's Patti. For years, she was too wary to date anyone. (Apparently her ex-hubby gave her a hard time—a very critical guy, and a cheat to boot!) A couple years ago, she dipped her toe into the dating pool, and after a couple drenchings, she at last found a stable inflatable mattress in Barry, who is also divorced. Now get this: These two gun-shy divorcées are seriously talking marriage! I was delighted! I leaned over the table to give Patti a big hug, but my tummy knocked over my mimosa. "I'm soooo happy for you," I said as I swabbed up the spilled beverage. "Face it, you're not the type who's destined to be alone. I know how miserable you were for so long, so this is great news!"

Patti frowned a bit. She assured me it wasn't desperation or hormones talking. "I was prepared to be single for the rest of my life," she said. "It was something I had grown used to, and there's nothing wrong with not being married. [Yeah, sure, Patti! I'll let that one go, though!] I got enormously lucky with Barry. You can't force these things. This is very natural."

I asked her if she and Barry ever argue. She said they've disagreed on stuff like politics and where to put furniture, but they were minor and they managed to work through them. They're practically two peas in a pod.

Now it was my turn to look quizzical. "But isn't disagreeing a basic part of relationships?" I asked. "I mean, even if you and Barry fought like cats and dogs, I wouldn't necessarily discourage you from seeing him. 'Vive la différence,' as they say!"

Patti stared at me and didn't say anything. She opened her mouth and closed it. Then she finally said that I'd reminded her of something she'd been meaning to ask me for a long time. "You get that relationships are ideally supposed to be, like, harmonious, right, Jean?" she said. "That it's not enough just to be married to someone, you should be happy with them? That you're supposed to be partners, and do things together at least some of the time? And love one another?"

Sure, of course, I said, but you have to take the sour with the sweet. Patti agreed with that in principle, but she thought I was a little too accepting of the sour. Au contraire, mon frère, I replied! I'm no cynic; in fact, I'm such an incurable romantic, I should be quarantined! But as someone who grew up reading the late, great Erma Bombeck and watching the great, not-yet-late Phyllis Diller on TV, I knew early on that marriage could be a pain in the patootie—and that it was okay!

Patti said that reminded her of something else she had been meaning to mention to me for a long time. They were just "being funny," she said. "Erma Bombeck wrote about her experiences as a wife and mother, yes, but she put a sarcastic spin on it." According to Patti, it wasn't like Erma meant people literally had no other alternative than staying in bad relationships or home situations. "You don't have to accept these things as inevitable just because someone joked about it in a newspaper or on some daytime talk show back when you were a vulnerable kid."

I laughed and said of course I knew that, and Patti smiled and said okay. But I have to admit, Jeanketeers, I don't remember much about the rest of our brunch, because I felt like someone had released the ground from under me and I was plummeting to the earth's core atop a Ruby Tuesday's booth seat. Patti did ask how I was because I looked a little ashen, but I waved it off by saying that maybe my chocolate-chip pancakes were battling it out with the mimosa in my tummy. (And on my way home, I may have also driven through a red light or two, but I'm not sure about that, either.)

Jeanketeers, at the time I was a tad irked with you. After all, I don't keep things from you. So just because people make jokes about their marriages being rotten doesn't mean I should have assumed it was the norm? This would have been something nice to know, say, 20 years ago. I mean, I always knew that, to my pea, Hubby Rick was a pickle, and he was not often in the pod with me because he had rolled into a dusty corner somewhere to sleep off his acute brine intoxication! (In fact, Jeanketeers, are you sure this isn't normal? )

Patti's words did get me thinking about some feelings I've had during my marriage to Hubby Rick. Like, sometimes I have this compulsion to drive straight out of my town and keep going for hundreds of miles without stopping. Or sometimes I find myself intensely wishing that Rick could fall off the planet. Before, I simply wrote them off as figments of my cockamamie imagination. After all, you know how zany I can be! Now, I wondered, could they actually be indications of how I really felt inside?

The next day, I was in a bit of a daze. I sat for hours at the flea-market stall I work at and stared off into space. I think I spotted someone filching a couple Avon decanters off my table, but it didn't register. I kept thinking about Rick and me.

When I got home, I saw Rick's pickup in the driveway. He must have just gotten back from his long weekend fishing with his boozing buddies up in the northern part of the state. I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders.

I found Rick in the living room, TV blaring, his fishing tackle plopped on the dining room table. He was eating Arby's. "Fish weren't biting," he said. "There's Bacon Beef'n Cheddars and curly fries in that bag and Bud in the fridge. Better take what you want before I change my mind."

I'm not sure, maybe it was because I was hungry, or fatigued, or maybe it was the prospect of not seeing Rick's hook mustache, or his paunch, or his "Señor Sucio" adjustable mesh cap on a regular basis anymore, but something inside told me not to bring up anything right then. It wasn't the time. I'm not sure why it wasn't the time, it just wasn't. I mean, he bought me dinner. Or rather, he bought a lot of dinner, and said I could have some. That should count for something, Jeanketeers, shouldn't it? I mean, I think it should. Not everything makes sense in life. And hubbies and wifeys do have their reasons, after all!

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