You Kids Are Old Enough Now To Hate For Yourselves

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...
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You Kids Are Old Enough Now To Hate For Yourselves

There comes a time in every father's life when he has to step back and let his children start thinking for themselves. You boys are getting older now, and your mother and I won't always be there to remind you about us and them. Before long, you'll both be off at college, so I hope you've been paying attention to all the things I've told you kids about Mexicans, Arabs, and the blacks.

Brian. Michael. It's time you started making bigoted, hateful judgments about other races for yourselves.

You know we love you very much. We've tried our best to raise you to know the difference between right and wrong, good races and bad races. The way our parents raised us. You can roll your eyes now, but some day Mom and Dad won't be there to protect you from learning anything about other cultures beyond malicious stereotypes. Soon, you'll have to distrust those sweaty, loudmouthed Italians on your own.

Now, college is going to introduce you to a lot of new people. Some of them you'll like, and some of them will have a different skin color than you. These biologically inferior folks might try to convince you that your hatred is misguided, that the throbbing, vicious anger boiling in your veins whenever you see anyone not exactly like yourself is the result of your limited exposure to the world and not your God-given right as a member of the master race. But you must have the courage to stick with your baseless, narrow-minded convictions. That's called being a man.

Before you go to bed at night, always remember that Muslims hate America, and that their only goal in life is to destroy the insular, racially homogenous town you call home.

I tell you, it's amazing how quickly kids grow up. One day you're showing them how to pitch rocks at day laborers, and the next thing you know they're giving you pointers on ridiculing the gay neighbor. Watching you boys mature with the same prejudices that my father instilled in me, well…it just about makes me choke up. I only wish your grandfather could see you hate now, but as you know, he was gutted by some filthy Hindu doctor. May he rest in peace.

The older you get, the more you'll realize that the world is a big place, and there are all kinds of interesting people and places to feel blind, unjustified rage toward. You've got to be prepared. Sure, I've taught you a lot about blacks, chinks, queers, and the French. But what about Indians, Eskimos, and Polacks? Do you even know what slur you would use if you were trapped on a bus next to an Algonquin? The answer is "nitchie." See, this is just the kind of stuff you've got to start figuring out for yourself.

If it were up to me, I'd see you boys through it all. But part of being a parent is knowing when to let go. And whenever I see you two eyeing the Gonzalez family suspiciously or locking the car doors when we drive through certain parts of town, I know you're ready, and my heart just swells up with pride.

"There go the Whitman boys," they'll say in Kansas City. "Probably off to scrawl something horribly offensive on a bathroom wall."

I envy you kids. I really do. When I left home 20 years ago as an impressionable, naïve little youngster, teeming with vitriolic prejudice, I wanted to get out there and make a difference in the world. But things change, and I've lost some of the fire I once had. You meet a black guy who doesn't rob you or a homosexual who loves hunting and you start to question everything you believe in. I'm not saying it'll happen to you boys—you're good kids—but just be careful. Be on guard. And I know I've told you this a thousand times, but don't trust the Jews.

Now get out of here before your mother starts crying.

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