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You Know What's Stupid? Everything I Don't Understand

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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You Know What's Stupid? Everything I Don't Understand

For far too long I've sat idly by, twiddling my thumbs and respecting the right of others to form thoughts and opinions independent of my own, and I can't take it anymore. I've got to speak up about the many things that annoy me or I'm going to go crazy. Take these new credit cards with the microchips in them, for instance. Man, those things really get my goat—trying to improve a device that was working perfectly fine as it was. Even worse are those wrappers on CDs that take forever to open. But you know what I hate the most? The one thing that makes my blood boil whenever I see it? Anything beyond my mental capacity, that's what.

God, all the people, places, and things I haven't made the least bit of effort to comprehend should just die already.

Will you look at all this stuff I have neither the intellect nor the maturity level to process? What a load of crap. It's in my face every day, doing lots of things I don't have an immediate desire to do and saying things I can't identify with at this stage in my life. How lame is that? I mean, what kind of pathetic loser would actually enjoy something that's so incredibly not among my personal preferences? Not me, that's for sure.

Maybe my standards are too high, but if you like any of the hundreds upon hundreds of things that are too multifaceted for my attention span, you should have your head examined, weirdo.

And don't even get me started on complex and sophisticated notions I can't possibly wrap my head around. That stuff makes me want to puke. Just knowing there are people out there who like—actually like—interacting with concepts that overwhelm my feeble consciousness makes me embarrassed to be an American. I don't like it in our homes, I don't like it in our schools, I don't like it outside of my comfort zone—well, I just plain don't like it. And if that makes me closed-minded, well, then I guess I'll have to dismiss that accusation outright in order to avoid being introspective even for a moment.

Why, only yesterday I saw a commercial on TV for a new product I have no immediate use for and therefore cannot see any value in. Who's making this worthless junk? Seriously. If I see one more household appliance I am not mature enough to own or operate, I'm going to punch someone. I swear. Sell that to the suckers with the money and inclination to buy it, because I wouldn't take it off your hands if you gave it to me, provided me with a living situation stable enough to house it, and showed me how to use it in a manner that didn't disrupt any of my cripplingly sedentary lifestyle habits.

Same goes with any TV show, movie, band, solo act, artist, book, burgeoning subculture, celebrity, fashion trend, or religious belief that makes me feel excluded from my peers or otherwise ostracized by the mainstream. That stuff is retarded.

While I'm at it, I'm sick to death of this growing trend of people who don't share my cultural heritage. I don't know how you did things back in that country I never took the time to educate myself about, but around here, we dip our fries in ketchup. That's the way it's always been as far as I know, and that's the way it's going to be until such time as I choose to acknowledge diversity among the earth's 6.6 billion people.

If things don't start changing around here, I might have to up and leave this town. It's gotten to the point where I can't walk down the street without having some flier thrust into my face, advertising some dumb concert or stupid party or annoying art festival or lame-o Minnesota primary or any number of other events that no sane person with a crippling fear of the unknown and a wildly underdeveloped imagination would ever want to go to. I've never been to any of these social gatherings, but I imagine the scores of people who attend them must be total idiots.

You know what? You geeks go knock yourselves out. Really. Have a blast with all your differences in personality and preference. Don't worry about me, because I'll be sitting at home alone listening to the same four records I've been listening to since college, laughing at your expense.

What a bunch of losers.

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