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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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You Learn Something New And Depressing Every Day

Hey, did you know that more than 14 million African children have been orphaned because of AIDS? Fourteen million. That's roughly equivalent to the number of all the children under the age of 5 in America. Holy Schmidt, right?! I had no idea this was the case until I saw a news report about the African AIDS epidemic last night. I guess it just goes to show you: No matter how much you think you know, there are always more bleak facts out there, waiting for you to discover them!

You could live to be 100, and you would never stop learning terrible things. All you have to do is pay attention, and you'll be surprised by another tragic reality. Yesterday, I read on the Internet that 3,000 people die from malaria every day. Fancy that. Three thousand people die, day in and day out, from a disease we have a cure for. Boy, I tell you it's true: You learn something new and depressing every day.

You don't even have to look as far as Africa for fresh disheartening information. There's an endless supply of horrifying things you can discover in your own backyard. Try this on for size: For the past couple of years, I've seen this homeless guy sleeping on the street grate right by my office. I used to toss him some change now and again. Well, last month, it hit me that I hadn't seen him around for a while, so I asked a police officer about him. Turns out the poor sucker died of hypothermia during the winter. Right there on the grate! He was younger than I am, and now he's dead. Who'da thunk?

I had my 60th birthday over the weekend, and I feel like I still don't know one-thousandth of the horrifying things there are to know. There are countless novel ways for the world to crush a spirit, an ideal, or a limb. Just open your ears and listen to the people around you. I'm positive you'll come into contact with some fresh instance of human sorrow. Throughout the world, there's an unyielding, pervasive desperation. If only you'd take a minute, you'd see it.

While we learn a lot from our friends and the world around us, our families often have the most to teach us. Just recently, my aunt told me how incredibly lonely my mother was in the months before she died. My sister and I were both in college, caught up in our own lives at the time. We never knew that Mom would sit in her empty house, watch daytime television, and weep because she missed my father so much. That little nugget of info was a real head-slapper! Live and learn, as they say—another day, another glimpse into the void that is human existence.

After living for more than a half-century, you'd think I'd know all the disheartening information there is to know. Far from it! I read in the paper that roughly one in three women have been raped or violently sexually assaulted. I couldn't believe it, so I did an informal survey of the women I work with. Sure enough! Turns out that statistic was just about right! Never assume that you know it all, because there's literally an endless stream of monumentally sad things to discover. We haven't even talked about all the people who have, just today, been mugged or beaten or hit by cars or had their arms torn off or their kids die. Gosh, it's a big old world!

After six decades of walking this earth, I'm pleasantly surprised that I can still be shocked by all the different little strands that make up the tapestry of human sorrow. The more dreadful things I come to terms with, the more troubling things I discover to take their place. I just heard that one of my former coworkers killed herself last month! Apparently, you can off yourself by drinking Pine-Sol. You see, I didn't know that. But now I do. And now you do, too, I suppose.

Hopelessness springs eternal!

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