You Look Like You Could Use An Elizabethan Adventure On The Holodeck

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

You Look Like You Could Use An Elizabethan Adventure On The Holodeck

Greetings, fellow citizen of the Federation! I couldn't help but notice that you seem a bit fatigued. I suspect that the many demands of Starfleet service have worn you down, and you now require recreation to refresh you and restore your spirits to a nominal level of function. I know just the thing–a merry Elizabethan adventure on the holodeck!

Yes, the holodeck, the 24th century's most wondrous invention! When its advanced three-dimensional imaging capabilities are working in concert with its steady-state transporter/replicator matter-manipulation arrays, this deceptively drab room is limited only by the power of the imagination. And we shall use our imaginations to whisk us away from the day-to-day cares of running a Federation starship and back to the late 16th century, to the English Renaissance during the reign of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth I!

Stress and care will disappear as the holodeck transforms your hum-drum, utilitarian Starfleet uniform into the gilt-sleeved, silken-hosed garb of the London dandy, complete with a scandalously ruffled collar! My science officer's uniform instantly becomes a jerkin and doublet of the finest linen, and a plumed and tassocked beaver hat appears on my head at a jaunty angle. As we gasp in amazement at this magic, we note that our Type III phasers have been transformed into perfect replicas of English hand-and-a-half broadswords, for today, we sail with the Duke of Sedonia against King Philip and the nefarious Spanish Armada!

Or, if you desire adventures of a less martial nature, indulge my science officer's curiosity, and let us join Sir Francis Drake in his circumnavigation of the globe! The holodeck shall delve into its prodigious memory banks to reproduce the skies of old Earth, so that we may navigate by sextant to the Straits of Magellan, reproduced in all their beauty and savagery by the Federation's finest technological masterwork! We shall pass the long hours watching replicated gulls wheel in the rigging of Her Majesty's ship Golden Hinde, forgetting the worries we have as crewpersons of the Federation's flagship.

Ahoy! The shores of Tierra Del Fuego appear in the holographic distance! The natives approach with gifts and provisions, and if the First Mate is a Klingon, well, who is to care?

The tedium of hours spent mapping lifeless nebulae down in Stellar Cartography will melt away as we weather winter storms and head up the Thames to accept the Queen's scarf as a trophy! That evening, after a parting ale with the convincing simulacrum of good Sir Francis, we take our seats at the newly opened Globe Theatre, where young Will Shakespeare's fanciful comedies shall make us temporarily forget the many demands placed upon us by our stern commander, Will Riker.

Look ye! A fair lady has dropped her scented handkerchief and now laughs into her sleeve as I stoop to proffer the sundry to her coquettish hand. Is she the young and flirtatious Anne Boleyn, brought once more to life by the holodeck's vast historical reference files and human emotion/behavior probability matrix? Or is she that comely ensign from Main Engineering?

Ah, yes, the holodeck! Balm to overtaxed junior officers everywhere. Let it ease your furrowed brow!