You Must Romance The Music Out Of The Tambourine

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

You Must Romance The Music Out Of The Tambourine

My lord, what are you doing? Your crude handling of that beautiful instrument borders on the obscene! You cannot carelessly strike a tambourine and expect it to sing its beautiful song. You must coax it out of her. You must romance the music out of the tambourine.

The way you strike that tambourine makes me cringe with horror and disgust. Would you strike a beautiful woman? Of course not. You would gently stroke her, caress her, whisper sweet nothings in her ear. So, too, you must with the tambourine. Tell the tambourine you love her, and your reward will be a beautiful music. Treat her roughly, and she will slap you in the face with her velvet glove.

The tambourine can be deceiving. True, she has a taut skin and round figure like the drum, but that is where the similarity ends. Take your finger and run it along her edge. There. Do you feel it? Little miniature cymbals! That... that is the secret of the tambourine. If you gently tap her, the little cymbals will sing the body electric. If you clumsily hit her like your fingers are sausages and your hands spicy hams, she will recoil in disgust.

Make no mistake, this is a courtship. A grand design of love. You must carefully woo the tambourine to make her do your bidding—and not through deceit or treachery. To a tambourine, what matters most is honesty. Your playing must come from a place that is pure and true. You cannot play the tambourine one shake at a time, preventing her from stretching her long legs and reaching her natural, majestic stride. You must think three shakes ahead, but still live wholly in the moment, adjusting your movements to her mercurial moods. Only then will you prove yourself worthy of the tambourine's affections.

Take in the wholeness of the tambourine. A tambourine is an endless river of mystery. There is a depth there that most men do not see. They see only a noisemaker, some paper horn with streamers or a metal box that clicks noisily when you spin it around. But those are for little boys, not men. Do you want to be a little boy playing with a toy? Or do you want to be a man with a muse? If you wish the latter, then you must surrender yourself to the tambourine completely. She will not be deceived by pretenders. She will only bear her fruits to those who devote themselves fully to the task of tilling her fertile soil.

The tambourine has an endless bounty of love to offer, but you must first favor her with your own affections. Do not clutch her as a baby does a rattle. Grip her firmly but knowingly. Tap her lightly with your finger. I said lightly, you buffoon! Try again. There. Does she not coo for you now? The timbre of the tambourine should set the stage for romance, but only if you draw it out with patience and sensuality. Banging her repeatedly, as you were just doing, produces music unfit for a tableau of fez-wearing clowns in tiny cars.

Now comes the question: What is your endgame, O wooer of the tambourine? Do you shake her for her sex appeal? Have you seen men playing tambourines on stage, using them to attract painted women in short skirts, and decided that you, too, would like to use the tambourine to attract a painted lady of your own? Then you love the tambourine for all the wrong reasons. Lay her down gently and walk away. You are among the undeserving.

Do not feel alone. Most are undeserving. But if you are pure of heart and prove yourself worthy of her considerable charms, the tambourine will treat you well. This, however, is a long, hard road, and the journey down this path requires great seriousness of purpose and commitment. If you decide that you are incapable of such things, then you should seriously consider the oboe. That is an instrument for the true vulgarian.

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