You Shall Make An Excellent Queen

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Vol 39 Issue 29

NPR Listener Acquires Kick-Ass Tote Bag

VENICE BEACH, CA—An avid National Public Radio listener, 48-year-old bicycle repair-shop technician Steve "Hozzie" Hasaji pledged $30 to 89.9 KCRW and "scored a kick-ass tote bag," Hasaji reported Tuesday. "Check this out," he said, showing coworkers a navy denim bag emblazoned with the KCRW logo. "If I knew listening to Morning Edition every day before breakfast was gonna get me this cool bag, shit, I woulda sent them money a long time ago." Hasaji added that Renee Montagne's insightful interview with author Diana Abu-Jaber was "totally off the hook."

That Knife Guy From High School Arrested In Knife-Related Incident

RILEY, OR—Thirty-year-old Daryl Wohlert, that guy who always had all the knives in high school, was arrested Monday for allegedly threatening a local storekeeper with a switchblade, Riley police reported. "Daryl always used to have a knife on him, and a couple lying on the top shelf of his locker, too," said Riley Police Department desk clerk Jeremy Dunbar, who graduated with Wohlert from Riley High School in 1991. "He used to flip that thing around and roll it around in his hands until [shop teacher] Mr. Adams told him to put it away. Even after he put it back in the sheath, he'd still hold it out to threaten us with the case." Wohlert's alleged victim, 58-year-old Clarence Sewell, declined comment.

Man Thinks Receptionist Is Hitting On Him

MEMPHIS, TN—Based on approximately two minutes of conversation and a series of polite smiles, chiropractic patient Jordan Walters earnestly believes that receptionist Mandy Pruitt is hitting on him, waiting-room sources reported early this afternoon. "Did you see how she offered to get me coffee?" an excited Walters said after Pruitt left to fetch him coffee. "I think she was just looking for an 'in' with me, if you follow me. One where she got to show me her legs." Earlier that day, Walters also caught the eye of an Applebee's waitress, a Goodyear service-center employee, and two different bank tellers.

Playground Treated To Hot Pug-On-Pug Action

PROVIDENCE, RI—Children playing on the swingsets at Waldo Street Tot Lot were treated to a raw, uncensored display of hot pug-on-pug action, sources reported Tuesday. "First the one doggy got behind the other doggy," said Andy Haupert, 6. "Then the first doggy tried to get on top of the other doggy while the other doggy tried to run away. It was really funny." The canine copulation has been the most talked-about animal-related playground incident since June, when a pigeon crapped all the way down the slide.

Congress Establishes Bill Suggestion Hotline

WASHINGTON, DC—House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) announced Tuesday that a new hotline will allow average Americans the chance to suggest new bills to the 108th Congress. "Do you have a great idea for an amendment, a revolutionary new tax bill, or just a few riders, but don't know how to turn it into law?" said Hastert at a press conference on the Capitol steps. "Call us at 1-900-NEW-BILL. We can help. Operators in the House and Senate are standing by." Hastert added that calls are just $3.99 a minute up to the first 10 minutes.

Uday And Qusay On Display

Last week, the U.S. military defended its decision to place the bodies of Saddam Hussein's sons on display. What do you think?
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You Shall Make An Excellent Queen

Grand Vizier Adrakus! Prepare a full report on the attempted siege of my palace! Spare no detail, and have the Royal Theater Guild prepare a full operatic dramatization for next month's Tyranny Day festivities!

And a cask of Venusian sapphires shall go to whoever finds the remains of my most hated enemy: Crash Comet, Space Commander from the Year 2000!

As for that most vaunted and foul Space-Yacht, the Star of Freedom III, fetch me every scrap of wreckage that can be found! I shall display its shattered hull as a trophy at the entrance to my Palace!

A survivor? You have found a survivor of this wreck? Unthinkable! Nevertheless, bring him so that I may mock his utmost defeat.

Who is this? The skinny, pale Earth-woman April Van August? The very mate of Crash Comet himself?

Well, how tragic for you that your beloved has been so violently incinerated by my Astro-Fleet this day.

Evacuated by life-pod, were you? How touching. Crash Comet—chivalrous to the end, that insufferable Earthling meddler.

Come closer, Earth-woman. I grow pleased by your presence. Yes, I see that for all his faults, Crash Comet was a connoisseur of beauty. Though you are obviously frail and unintelligent—typical faults of your primitive species—you shall make an excellent queen for the Universe's mightiest tyrant!

Yes, my dear Earth-woman, as my bride, you shall sit at my side as I pass judgment on the cosmos, not to mention engaging me in more... pleasurable duties.

I decree it! The mighty Gorzo has found a bride! Bedeck the Great Courtyard! Prepare a magnificent feast! And dress the Bride of Gorzo in a gown of the sheerest gossamer!

Assemble my armies in full formal ceremony! Arrange a salutatory fly-over of my fleet's mightiest vessels! I shall be wed by sundown!

Is all prepared? Has my ceremony been arranged? Then bring forth my bride! Let the betrothal commence! Signal the orchestra!

I advise you to stop crying, my lovely, if you wish to live to see the honeymoon. Be of cheer! You shall soon be queen of all you survey!

Speed it up, now. Yes, yes, yes. She does. She most certainly does. Yes. Well, of course I do, you imbecile! I ordered this ceremony!

And now, my dear, as I place this Magmazantium ring on your finger, you shall be bound by cosmic law as my mate for all eternity! So, I'll just place it right now—GAH!

What is this? Who has broken from the fly-over formation? Who dares disrupt my wedding with shenanigans?!

Why, that Valkyrie War-Jet strafing the courtyard! It dips and weaves in the trademark flying style of... CRASH COMET, SPACE COMMANDER FROM THE YEAR 2000? Curses!

But how could this be? His Space-Yacht flew to bits before my eyes! This is unthinkable! I demand justice! Bring down that shuttle, or the entire Navy shall be put to death!

Stop panicking, everybody! The ceremony is not finished! We must complete the ceremony!

No! Not the giant statue of the mighty Gorzo!

No... No! Aiyeee!

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