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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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You Shall Make An Excellent Queen

Grand Vizier Adrakus! Prepare a full report on the attempted siege of my palace! Spare no detail, and have the Royal Theater Guild prepare a full operatic dramatization for next month's Tyranny Day festivities!

And a cask of Venusian sapphires shall go to whoever finds the remains of my most hated enemy: Crash Comet, Space Commander from the Year 2000!

As for that most vaunted and foul Space-Yacht, the Star of Freedom III, fetch me every scrap of wreckage that can be found! I shall display its shattered hull as a trophy at the entrance to my Palace!

A survivor? You have found a survivor of this wreck? Unthinkable! Nevertheless, bring him so that I may mock his utmost defeat.

Who is this? The skinny, pale Earth-woman April Van August? The very mate of Crash Comet himself?

Well, how tragic for you that your beloved has been so violently incinerated by my Astro-Fleet this day.

Evacuated by life-pod, were you? How touching. Crash Comet—chivalrous to the end, that insufferable Earthling meddler.

Come closer, Earth-woman. I grow pleased by your presence. Yes, I see that for all his faults, Crash Comet was a connoisseur of beauty. Though you are obviously frail and unintelligent—typical faults of your primitive species—you shall make an excellent queen for the Universe's mightiest tyrant!

Yes, my dear Earth-woman, as my bride, you shall sit at my side as I pass judgment on the cosmos, not to mention engaging me in more... pleasurable duties.

I decree it! The mighty Gorzo has found a bride! Bedeck the Great Courtyard! Prepare a magnificent feast! And dress the Bride of Gorzo in a gown of the sheerest gossamer!

Assemble my armies in full formal ceremony! Arrange a salutatory fly-over of my fleet's mightiest vessels! I shall be wed by sundown!

Is all prepared? Has my ceremony been arranged? Then bring forth my bride! Let the betrothal commence! Signal the orchestra!

I advise you to stop crying, my lovely, if you wish to live to see the honeymoon. Be of cheer! You shall soon be queen of all you survey!

Speed it up, now. Yes, yes, yes. She does. She most certainly does. Yes. Well, of course I do, you imbecile! I ordered this ceremony!

And now, my dear, as I place this Magmazantium ring on your finger, you shall be bound by cosmic law as my mate for all eternity! So, I'll just place it right now—GAH!

What is this? Who has broken from the fly-over formation? Who dares disrupt my wedding with shenanigans?!

Why, that Valkyrie War-Jet strafing the courtyard! It dips and weaves in the trademark flying style of... CRASH COMET, SPACE COMMANDER FROM THE YEAR 2000? Curses!

But how could this be? His Space-Yacht flew to bits before my eyes! This is unthinkable! I demand justice! Bring down that shuttle, or the entire Navy shall be put to death!

Stop panicking, everybody! The ceremony is not finished! We must complete the ceremony!

No! Not the giant statue of the mighty Gorzo!

No... No! Aiyeee!

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