You Shall Make An Excellent Queen

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The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Good Times

You Shall Make An Excellent Queen

Grand Vizier Adrakus! Prepare a full report on the attempted siege of my palace! Spare no detail, and have the Royal Theater Guild prepare a full operatic dramatization for next month's Tyranny Day festivities!

And a cask of Venusian sapphires shall go to whoever finds the remains of my most hated enemy: Crash Comet, Space Commander from the Year 2000!

As for that most vaunted and foul Space-Yacht, the Star of Freedom III, fetch me every scrap of wreckage that can be found! I shall display its shattered hull as a trophy at the entrance to my Palace!

A survivor? You have found a survivor of this wreck? Unthinkable! Nevertheless, bring him so that I may mock his utmost defeat.

Who is this? The skinny, pale Earth-woman April Van August? The very mate of Crash Comet himself?

Well, how tragic for you that your beloved has been so violently incinerated by my Astro-Fleet this day.

Evacuated by life-pod, were you? How touching. Crash Comet—chivalrous to the end, that insufferable Earthling meddler.

Come closer, Earth-woman. I grow pleased by your presence. Yes, I see that for all his faults, Crash Comet was a connoisseur of beauty. Though you are obviously frail and unintelligent—typical faults of your primitive species—you shall make an excellent queen for the Universe's mightiest tyrant!

Yes, my dear Earth-woman, as my bride, you shall sit at my side as I pass judgment on the cosmos, not to mention engaging me in more... pleasurable duties.

I decree it! The mighty Gorzo has found a bride! Bedeck the Great Courtyard! Prepare a magnificent feast! And dress the Bride of Gorzo in a gown of the sheerest gossamer!

Assemble my armies in full formal ceremony! Arrange a salutatory fly-over of my fleet's mightiest vessels! I shall be wed by sundown!

Is all prepared? Has my ceremony been arranged? Then bring forth my bride! Let the betrothal commence! Signal the orchestra!

I advise you to stop crying, my lovely, if you wish to live to see the honeymoon. Be of cheer! You shall soon be queen of all you survey!

Speed it up, now. Yes, yes, yes. She does. She most certainly does. Yes. Well, of course I do, you imbecile! I ordered this ceremony!

And now, my dear, as I place this Magmazantium ring on your finger, you shall be bound by cosmic law as my mate for all eternity! So, I'll just place it right now—GAH!

What is this? Who has broken from the fly-over formation? Who dares disrupt my wedding with shenanigans?!

Why, that Valkyrie War-Jet strafing the courtyard! It dips and weaves in the trademark flying style of... CRASH COMET, SPACE COMMANDER FROM THE YEAR 2000? Curses!

But how could this be? His Space-Yacht flew to bits before my eyes! This is unthinkable! I demand justice! Bring down that shuttle, or the entire Navy shall be put to death!

Stop panicking, everybody! The ceremony is not finished! We must complete the ceremony!

No! Not the giant statue of the mighty Gorzo!

No... No! Aiyeee!