adBlockCheck

You Should Come Out To The Country House This Weekend And Envy My Family's Extreme Wealth

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

You Should Come Out To The Country House This Weekend And Envy My Family's Extreme Wealth

If you don't have any plans for the big weekend coming up, I've got a fantastic idea: Why don't you come join my family and me at our country house? You can spend a few days relaxing in the sun, taking walks through the vast and immaculately landscaped grounds, and feeling degraded and ashamed by your inferior station in life.

It'll be great! You can see all the terrific stuff we own!

No, seriously, I insist. And please, don't worry about bringing anything with you. We're more than able to accommodate your every need in a lavish manner you can't possibly be accustomed to, and anything you did bring would appear a bit laughable in the surroundings of our seldom-used, no-excess-spared second home.

Oh, please say yes. You can pretend to take it easy while actually riddled with debilitating social anxiety. We, if not you, would just love it.

I'll send a car for you. It won't be any trouble. And just to make you feel even more uncomfortable, I'll send the car at a time when you have to be at work. How's Friday afternoon? Because, in my mind, who would be working on a Friday afternoon? The uniformed driver will have to wait for hours, but don't worry. He won't complain. If he did, he'd lose his job!

From the moment he opens the car door, you won't have to lift another finger all weekend. Won't that be divine? You can just put your feet up and watch the lovely countryside whip by while you desperately try to figure out if you're supposed to tip the gracious chauffeur, or if that would be insulting. And once you arrive, you'll be greeted by our household staff, who can provide you with everything you'll need to be seized by a deep and abiding sense of socioeconomic guilt that can only come from having a 50-year-old man bring you iced tea.

Doesn't that sound like a fun way to spend your weekend?

I promise, you'll have a great time feeling envious of everything you see. Do you like movies? We have a private screening room that seats fifty. Or, if you'd just like to kick back by the pool, you can sit awkwardly in your inexpensive swimsuit, feeling self-conscious about your pale, lusterless skin and substandard body while me and my peers prance before you like gleaming bronze goddesses. Come on! I won't take no for an answer.

I can see you're reluctant, but there's no need to feel shy. You can have the guesthouse all to yourself, sleeping in a bed that isn't nearly as nice as the ones in the main house, but is still far, far better than whatever flea-bitten mattress you're used to.

Pamper yourself! We don't mind. We're used to hosting lesser people, and trust me, we'll hardly even notice you're there.

Plus, you must meet my family. As rich as I am, they're even richer, and you can bet their facial expressions won't bear even the slightest trace of the condescension they'll feel toward you—if they bother to feel superior at all. Either way, they'll be painfully polite.

Come to think of it, we're having our monthly polo tournament this weekend. That would be terrible for you! Since you've never ridden a horse, we can have our professional instructor awkwardly trot you around in a circle behind the stables while the rest of us engage in sophisticated horsemanship you'll never in your life come close to achieving.

There are so many ways for you to feel silly and out of place. You could join us in a game of croquet and feel desperately awkward, or just have a drink while you watch and feel even more awkward! Or, if you'd like to just be alone for a while, there's a room bigger than your entire apartment that we hardly ever use, so you won't be disturbed except by your own constant, crippling uneasiness.

Oh, please, please say yes? It wouldn't be a weekend without you there feeling hopelessly inadequate. You won't be in the way at all. Just make yourself at home and pretend we're not quietly looking down on you.

It'll be so fun for us!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close