You Sure As Hell Don't Want To Take The River Road Exit

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Vol 36 Issue 09

Skittish Juniors-Department Clerk Calls Security Again

TALLAHASSEE, FL–Barb Leland, 51, a newly hired clerk in the JCPenney juniors department, called security for the third time in three days Monday. "There were these two teenage girls, and they were laughing loudly and pretending to talk to one of the mannequins," she said. "I just didn't want to take any chances." Leland added that 3 p.m. on a Monday is an odd time for a pair of teens to be shopping.

Sitcom On PBS Assumed To Be Intellectual

SALINAS, CA–Assuming the program to be an intellectually enriching treasure trove of highbrow delights, PBS viewer Ross Waymer immersed himself Monday in the BBC sitcom I Dare Say, Mr. Pumsby! "It's a biting, incisive satire of the British class system that simultaneously skewers and celebrates the social mores of the have-nots in post-Thatcher Britain," said Waymer, explaining to his wife a scene in which a man is repeatedly doused with buckets of paint. "And this one guy, he has to dress up as a lady to fool his landlord into thinking he's dead so he doesn't have to pay the rent."

Racist Merely Misspoke

HOLLY SPRINGS, MS–Apologizing for any misunderstanding, Holly Springs councilman Knox Jeffries explained Monday that he "merely misspoke" when he called African-American councilman Isaac Witherspoon "a dumb, spear-chucking porch monkey" during a Mar. 10 meeting. "I can see how my remarks could have been misconstrued as offensive, but I can assure you they were not intended as such," Jeffries said. "I am sorry for any hurt I may have inadvertently caused Ike, a fine, law-abiding Negro." Jeffries then extended an olive branch to Witherspoon, inviting him and his wife to his home for "a whole mess of collard greens and cornbread."

Terrifying Mutation Killing Off U.S. Cabinet Members One At A Time

WASHINGTON, DC–The slime-covered body of Commerce Secretary William Daley was found in a cocoon in the White House Monday, bringing the number of Cabinet members killed by the terrifying space mutation to five. "We're doing everything we can to stop this creature," said Transportation Secretary Rodney Slater, hiding somewhere in the White House with the other surviving Cabinet officials. "Unfortunately, you can't kill what you can't see." Added Slater: "What? Where's Alexis? I just saw her two seconds ago! Lord help us all." It is believed the secretaries will attempt to lure the shapeshifting mutation into the East Room and blast it through the airlock.

National Interest In Anything Hovering Around 3 Percent

PRINCETON, NJ–A Gallup poll released Monday reveals that only 3 percent of Americans describe themselves as "interested" or "very interested" in anything whatsoever. "America is hard-pressed to get excited about tonight's episode of Spin City, much less the situation in Chechnya," Gallup spokeswoman Jill Pierce said. "I guess there's just not all that much going on right now."

Suicide Attempts A Desperate Cry For Death

BOSTON–Mental-health professionals have long characterized attempted suicide as a desperate cry for help, the last-ditch plea of a wounded soul who, more than anything else, longs to live.

Cash-Room Bitch Be Havin' My Shortie

Heads up, y'all: Tha H-Dog's wildin' days be OVA. Now, I still be keepin' it real as tha Accountz Reeceevable Supervisa at Midstate Office Supply, so don't all y'all new-jack two-year accountin'-degree punks fresh outta community college be thinkin' about musclin' in on my turf, lest you want a Letta Opener Of Death in yo' ribcage. But, yo, y'all gots to understand, tha H-Dog gots a lot on his mind right now, an' he ain't bangin' like he used to, know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause, check this out, G's: I'm gonna be a daddy. One of tha Cash Room bitches, Agnes, be havin' my shortie.
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You Sure As Hell Don't Want To Take The River Road Exit

Cedarburg? Yep, that's around here. Lost? Thought so. Saw you driving around a couple of times. Took the River Road exit, didn't you? Well, if you're going to Cedarburg, you sure as hell don't want to take the River Road exit. Take the River Road exit and you'll just wind up right back here.

Now, gettin' to Cedarburg. Nothin's easier, unless you try going back on the highway, on account of it's all construction for a good 20, 25 miles. And if you get off on the Hays or Turnbull Road exit, you'll get stuck following the detour signs and wind up way the heck out of your way. So don't get back on the highway, whatever you do.

Any rate, what you want to do is turn around and head back to the highway, only don't get on. Keep going right on up this road, which is Harriman once it gets past the highway but Creek Road here. Go two, three miles down, take a left, and you'll see a creek. Not Creek Road–it'll be called Harriman down there–a real creek. Why the creek's on the part of the road called Harriman is a mystery to me.

Anyhow, keep going four, five miles, and you'll see a sign for Liberty Township. That sign also says Cedarburg, 14 miles. Whatever you do, though, don't go through Liberty. They got Corn Daze there this weekend, and you'll probably wind up getting stuck behind the big parade. Both streets are closed down for Corn Daze, so stay as far away as you can.

Say, maybe you wanna write all this down. Got a pen? All these overall pockets, and I don't have one. Wait, here's one. Thought it was my tire gauge. That's "Daze" with a "Z." Right.

Okay, now you're going to be headed up 43. You'll see where 43 comes in, don't worry. Just go straight to where the road bends, you can't miss it. Anyway, at the historical marker–not the one for the Stage House, but the one that shows where the river used to be before the Army moved it–there's a kind of a two-roads type of deal. Right, a fork. Take a left, and you're on Pawhuska, which you'd be on if you turned right. But turn left onto Pawhuska. That'd be, let me see, north. Right. So you do want to turn right after all. Sorry.

Any rate, you're on Pawhuska, which is also where 43 continues, like the signs say, so watch the signs for that turn. You're almost there. When you hit Pawhuska, you want to go straight up for about five miles. Straight up, that's right. On Pawhuska. Straight up the road until you hit Cedarburg, and there you are.

Once you're on Cedarburg Road, you're practically home free, except you gotta remember that out in the country, the roads don't always go where they ought to, strictly speaking. But Cedarburg Road isn't one of those, so don't worry. Just go straight on, and you'll see town after five, ten minutes. Go right into town, and there you are.

That's the town of Lena, there. Pretty town. It's on the other side of Cedarburg, but because of the construction, there's nothing for it, I suppose. Go through Lena until you find Fritz Road. Go down there until you find Cedarburg Road again and drive out of town. You'll see a mailbox with a picture of a big old rackety-coon on the side. That's Karl Munson's place. After a ways, you'll see the signs for Bellevue. Go the other way, because you sure as hell don't want to go to Bellevue.

How's that? My phone? Sure, go ahead. My house is over the hill on the gravel road past the second cowbarn, once you find my driveway.

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