adBlockCheck

Recent News

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
End Of Section
  • More News

You Take Away Guns, And Someone’s Just Gonna Invent, Manufacture, And Use A High-Powered Knife Launcher

Like everybody else, I was sickened by last week’s shooting in Oregon that killed nine people and wounded several more. At a time like this, it’s easy to blame guns for what happened and call for drastic measures in hopes of preventing this kind of violence from occurring again. But the reality is that no law can prevent a determined individual from taking human lives. Even if we banned guns entirely, the reality is that someone’s just going to invent, manufacture, and use a high-powered knife launcher to commit mass murder.

We could take away everyone’s firearms tomorrow, but for any psychopath bent on causing death and destruction, killing a dozen people would still be no further away than designing a long-distance knife thrower, building it, calibrating it to accurately hit targets tens or hundreds of feet away, and ultimately going into a public area and inflicting significant casualties on unsuspecting civilians.

Sadly, it’s just that simple.

You remove guns from the equation, and knife-launching massacres will just replace the shootings. There’s no two ways around it.

That’s why it’s important not to respond to a tragedy like this by rushing to pass laws that fail to make anyone safer while at the same time infringing on everyone’s individual liberties. We should all take time to mourn the victims, but we have to understand that no regulation, no matter how well intended, can stop a person who’s determined to commit a similar act of gruesome violence, whether with the aid of a gun or an elaborately machined contraption capable of whipping scores of knives at high speeds, one after the other, into a crowd of people.

When people claim otherwise, I just have to shake my head. Seriously, what world are these anti-gun bleeding hearts living in?

The way you hear so many TV personalities and online commenters talk about it, you’d think that ending violence in the U.S. would be as simple as rounding up all the guns, or stringently regulating their sale from here on out. But think about how absurd that idea is. Does taking away guns make crazy, murderous people any less crazy or murderous? Does taking away guns prevent someone from getting their hands on a knife, then crafting a launching mechanism that propels the knife through the air with immense force, then buying a lot more knives to load into that mechanism, then pulling that device out unsuspectingly and spraying knives across a public area? Of course it doesn’t, and that’s why their argument is so foolish.

Imagine that we did enact sweeping gun control legislation immediately. Do you think the next would-be theater-shooter or mall-shooter or campus-shooter would throw up his hands and say “Oh, well”? Of course not. He’d simply draft plans for a portable device that can launch bladed weapons across a room or down a hallway, make sure it had sufficient power to send knives penetrating through closed doors and into people cowering on the other side, assemble this machine on his own time, and finally, carry it into a school, church, or place of business. Those are just the kind of deranged people who are out there.

You remove guns from the equation, and knife-launching massacres will just replace the shootings. There’s no two ways around it.

As long as there are criminals in the world who set their minds to causing bloodshed, they’re going to find a way to do it. And if you take away the nearest tool for the job, all they’ll do is think of, draw up, manufacture, test, redesign, retest, practice until they obtain a degree of proficiency, and employ a new means to take innocent lives. That’s just common sense, plain and simple.

The simple, tragic fact is that some people will die at the hands of the angry, the hateful, and the mentally unstable. And that won’t change whether the deaths are caused by bullets or by knives flying through the air at 1,500 miles per hour.

All that cracking down on gun ownership would accomplish is violating the constitutional rights of millions of Americans, while doing absolutely nothing to stop some sick, twisted person from murdering dozens with a rapid-fire dagger blaster six months from now, or in a year, or next week, or however long it takes them to devise such a device as well as a method of quickly and efficiently reloading dozens upon dozens of knives into the weapon’s launching chamber and then carrying out their horrific plans.

And don’t say we could just prevent that by banning knife launchers. A criminal could easily kill just as many people with a fully automatic baseball bat flinger.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close