adBlockCheck

You Used Me For Sex, Friendship, And Good Conversation

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

You Used Me For Sex, Friendship, And Good Conversation

Wow. I don't know what to say. I thought everything was going great between us. I thought we really had something special going these past six weeks. Apparently, I was wrong. It's become clear to me that all this time, you were just using me for sex, friendship, and good conversation.

Is that all I was to you, somebody you could potentially be interested in dating long-term, assuming things kept progressing? After all the dates we'd been on, was it that easy to throw it all away once you decided I wasn't really right for you? It all seems so hollow now.

I remember the time we saw Monsoon Wedding and then went out for coffee. Over lattes, we discussed everything from Indian cinema to our respective college experiences. Now I know it meant nothing. And the time you told me about how you watched your grandmother slowly die of cancer? What a sucker I was.

You were very clever, enjoying yourself when we met at that party. I must have been blind. Even that early in the game, you were already weaving the web of physical attractiveness, intelligence, and sense of humor that you would use to ensnare me, culminating in a six-week dating stint. I hope you had fun.

I can't believe I let you use me for stimulating conversation like that. You were great when it came to sharing my passion for African literature, but it was all a lie. I don't know how you can stand to look in the mirror, knowing your life has been built on a foundation of untruths. I bet you just read Season Of Migration To The North just to impress me with your theories on the subject.

I'm sure being a generous lover was also part of your elaborate ruse. It's all falling into place. You may have seemed responsive to my desires and sensitive to my needs, but all the while, you were just manipulating me into participating in mutually satisfying intercourse.

Did it mean anything to you, that time we sat in your kitchen drinking coffee and sharing the newspaper? Or when we took the long way home after our second date, holding hands and talking about our favorite songs? How about the time you made me a picnic lunch in the park? Were those just your devious ways of finding out if our personalities were compatible in case you wanted to see more of me? Wait, don't answer. The look in your eyes tells me all I need to know.

I feel like such a fool. All this time, I thought there was something behind your interest in me. Instead, it was just some sort of trap to win my time and affection—until you lost interest, that is. How could I have been so blind? Couldn't I see that all those jokes you told were just a thinly veiled attempt to get me to have a good time with you? Apparently not, because I fell for it like a sparrow weighted with sandbags.

Perhaps words have different meanings for you. When you said, "Thanks, I had fun," I guess what you were really saying was, "I will be funny, charming, and affectionate until I grow tired of you."

Now you want to be "just friends"? Whatever it takes to help you sleep. Your carefully chosen words aren't fooling me. The time for that is over. I refuse to fall victim to your sincerity ever again.

Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't you send me a card saying you're happy to have met me, and that your life was enriched by the time we spent together. What's that? You like and respect me too much to do something tacky and dismissive like that? I figured you'd say something like that. Typical.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close