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You Want A Piece Of Me?

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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You Want A Piece Of Me?

Hey, you! Yeah, you. I see you standing over there with the hungry look in your eye. Something bothering you? Something gnawing at your gut? Huh? You want a piece of me, is that it? You want a piece of me?

Oh, you do, do you? You think you're a big man, huh? You got a big mouth, I'll give you that, but do you have the guts? Well, you're going to have a belly full of me before this is over, that's for sure.

Oh, you're a real big man, all right. Real big. You know something? I don't think you've got the stomach for this kind of work. I think you're going to have to run and get somebody to help you. You're going to need five of your friends to finish me off. You bit off more than you can chew this time, buddy. I'm too much for just one man!

You want a piece of me, come get a piece, pal. You'll be lying down for a while after this, I'll tell you right now. Lying down moaning. You'll be feeling this tomorrow, big shot. I may look sweet, but don't let that fool you. I'm the kind of sweet that'll knock your friggin' teeth right out. I may look cherry, but I'm still too big for you.

What's that? What's that you got there? A knife? What, you going to cut me? You are, aren't you? You're going to try and cut me to pieces! Better make 'em little pieces, buster. A little piece of me is all you can handle, tough guy, with your big bad knife. Well, I been cut before, you can see that for yourself. I ain't afraid. Bring your little knife over here. You're going to need it if you want to get a piece of me. Ain't no other way for a guy like you who's too damn scared to use his hands.

C'mon. You want to find out what I'm made of? This is your big chance! Take a seat at the table, big boy! I'm servin' it up hot! C'mon! Step up to the plate, buddy!

Oh, yeah! Pow, right in the kisser! I'm up in your face now, you betcha. How you like that, huh? How you like that? Oh, you didn't like that, did you? Well, too bad, 'cause there's a lot more where that came from! Not such a big talker after a mouthful of me, are you? Looks like you got a bit more than you bargained for there, doesn't it?

Oh, now look at that. Did I mess up your nice white shirt? Huh? Did I? Well, don't start cryin' yet, pal, 'cause there's going to be a real big mess by the time you're done with me. It'll be a while before you get cleaned up. I'm going to put you down for a nice long nap. You'll be out for quite a while, I bet.

What? Fruity?! Who the hell you callin' fruity? And so what if I am, huh? Christ, I can't help the way I was made, goddamnit. And you know what? I was just minding my own business over here 'til you came over, man. I think you like it that I'm fruity. I think it makes you feel a little strange when you look at me. That's it, isn't it? You want me. You came over here because, deep down in your gut, you want a piece of something fruity! I think you came looking for a little taste of something different, and now you can't handle it. Well, I may be fruity, but at least I'm no goddamn cream puff.

That's it. You're done! You're through! I was too much for you, wasn't I? Wasn't I? Admit it, pal, I was way too big for you. Well, you may think you're done with me, but I ain't done with you. Hope you didn't have any plans for tonight, 'cause I'm going to go right through you. I'm going to go through you like Sherman through Georgia.

Man, I wouldn't want to be you tomorrow morning.

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