You Want A Piece Of Me?

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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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You Want A Piece Of Me?

Hey, you! Yeah, you. I see you standing over there with the hungry look in your eye. Something bothering you? Something gnawing at your gut? Huh? You want a piece of me, is that it? You want a piece of me?

Oh, you do, do you? You think you're a big man, huh? You got a big mouth, I'll give you that, but do you have the guts? Well, you're going to have a belly full of me before this is over, that's for sure.

Oh, you're a real big man, all right. Real big. You know something? I don't think you've got the stomach for this kind of work. I think you're going to have to run and get somebody to help you. You're going to need five of your friends to finish me off. You bit off more than you can chew this time, buddy. I'm too much for just one man!

You want a piece of me, come get a piece, pal. You'll be lying down for a while after this, I'll tell you right now. Lying down moaning. You'll be feeling this tomorrow, big shot. I may look sweet, but don't let that fool you. I'm the kind of sweet that'll knock your friggin' teeth right out. I may look cherry, but I'm still too big for you.

What's that? What's that you got there? A knife? What, you going to cut me? You are, aren't you? You're going to try and cut me to pieces! Better make 'em little pieces, buster. A little piece of me is all you can handle, tough guy, with your big bad knife. Well, I been cut before, you can see that for yourself. I ain't afraid. Bring your little knife over here. You're going to need it if you want to get a piece of me. Ain't no other way for a guy like you who's too damn scared to use his hands.

C'mon. You want to find out what I'm made of? This is your big chance! Take a seat at the table, big boy! I'm servin' it up hot! C'mon! Step up to the plate, buddy!

Oh, yeah! Pow, right in the kisser! I'm up in your face now, you betcha. How you like that, huh? How you like that? Oh, you didn't like that, did you? Well, too bad, 'cause there's a lot more where that came from! Not such a big talker after a mouthful of me, are you? Looks like you got a bit more than you bargained for there, doesn't it?

Oh, now look at that. Did I mess up your nice white shirt? Huh? Did I? Well, don't start cryin' yet, pal, 'cause there's going to be a real big mess by the time you're done with me. It'll be a while before you get cleaned up. I'm going to put you down for a nice long nap. You'll be out for quite a while, I bet.

What? Fruity?! Who the hell you callin' fruity? And so what if I am, huh? Christ, I can't help the way I was made, goddamnit. And you know what? I was just minding my own business over here 'til you came over, man. I think you like it that I'm fruity. I think it makes you feel a little strange when you look at me. That's it, isn't it? You want me. You came over here because, deep down in your gut, you want a piece of something fruity! I think you came looking for a little taste of something different, and now you can't handle it. Well, I may be fruity, but at least I'm no goddamn cream puff.

That's it. You're done! You're through! I was too much for you, wasn't I? Wasn't I? Admit it, pal, I was way too big for you. Well, you may think you're done with me, but I ain't done with you. Hope you didn't have any plans for tonight, 'cause I'm going to go right through you. I'm going to go through you like Sherman through Georgia.

Man, I wouldn't want to be you tomorrow morning.