You Want A Piece Of Me?

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Vol 35 Issue 20

Portrait Of Nude, Bleeding Man Hung On School Wall

BOISE, ID—As a reminder of God's abundant and undying love for them, a portrait of a nearly naked, bleeding man was hung in full view of students at St. Matthew's Catholic High School Tuesday. The image of the almost-nude, dripping man violently nailed to wooden planks, now on permanent display in the school's central hallway, "reminds us that God would do anything for his children," said Sister Mary Margaret, the school's math teacher. "It presents an uplifting message of love and salvation to inspire us all." Sister Mary went on to praise the craftsmanship of the piece, saying, "You can actually see his bulging eyeballs roll up into his head and the trickles of ooze running into the sockets. Amazing!"

Hypothetical Cat Simultaneously Dead And Alive, Physicists Say

SYRACUSE, NY—In a turn of events that has baffled students of quantum mechanics for more than half a century, a hypothetical cat was suspended in a state of unknowable probability flux between life and death Tuesday, after being placed in a box during a "thought experiment" in a Syracuse University lecture. Approx-imately 15 Physics 252 undergraduates blinked uncomprehendingly at high-energy physicist and instructor Chad Parks, 41, as he explained that the box contained a radioactive atom which may or may not decay, releasing an alpha particle which, if detected by a geiger-counter, may or may not trigger a hammer, shattering a flask of deadly prussic acid. The cat, originally postulated by wave-particle duality theorist Erwin Schroedinger in 1935, is expected to remain in this paradoxical superposition of decayed and undecayed states until an observer opens the box, collapsing the animal’s wave function.

Teen Publication Takes Bold Anti-Peer-Pressure Stance

ANAHEIM, CA—TeenPulse, a monthly publication targeted at 13- to- 17-year-olds nationwide, shocked industry insiders by espousing a courageous anti-peer-pressure position in its June issue. "Friends who try to pressure you into something you don't want to do are no friends at all," contributing editor Cassandra Walters urged a reader in her monthly advice column. "Say 'so long' and get yourself some new buds who like you just the way you are." Also featured in TeenPulse's June issue is a "Cool Summertime Looks You Can't Do Without" pull-out shopping guide.

Shit Parking Ticket Fuck

FUCKIN' DOWNTOWN—After stopping for like 10 goddamn minutes at the west-side post office, local resident Dave Shore got a motherfucking parking ticket in the amount of 35 fucking goddamn dollars Monday, fuck. Where were the goddamn cops when the dude stole the hubcaps off of Shore's light brown 1992 Escort last year, the 27-year-old line cook would reportedly like to fucking know. The ticket, which Shore will have to work five whole fucking hours at his shitty fucking job just to pay, was placed on his vehicle by the asshole fucking Nazi parking patrol shortly after noon. Jesus fuck.

Vehicular Search And Seizure

Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that police do not need a warrant to search or seize a vehicle in a public place. What do you think of the court's decision to expand police powers and limit the rights of criminal suspects?

Taking Care Of Business

After I returned from the Zweibel Estate following several months of wandering in the cruel wilderness, I found that my study was full to bursting with paper-work and correspondence, much of which predated my time in penurious exile. There were multitudes of dunning letters from vulturous creditors who called in their debts upon learning of my misfortune. It seemed that every trades-man in the county, from the black-smith to the chandler, came out of the wood-work to proclaim that T. Herman Zweibel was beholden to them. So, upon the restoration of my fortune, I had my man-servant Standish pay what was owed to these craven bastards, then sent my Swiss Guard out to burn their rude shops to the ground. Now they know who's boss!
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You Want A Piece Of Me?

Hey, you! Yeah, you. I see you standing over there with the hungry look in your eye. Something bothering you? Something gnawing at your gut? Huh? You want a piece of me, is that it? You want a piece of me?

Oh, you do, do you? You think you're a big man, huh? You got a big mouth, I'll give you that, but do you have the guts? Well, you're going to have a belly full of me before this is over, that's for sure.

Oh, you're a real big man, all right. Real big. You know something? I don't think you've got the stomach for this kind of work. I think you're going to have to run and get somebody to help you. You're going to need five of your friends to finish me off. You bit off more than you can chew this time, buddy. I'm too much for just one man!

You want a piece of me, come get a piece, pal. You'll be lying down for a while after this, I'll tell you right now. Lying down moaning. You'll be feeling this tomorrow, big shot. I may look sweet, but don't let that fool you. I'm the kind of sweet that'll knock your friggin' teeth right out. I may look cherry, but I'm still too big for you.

What's that? What's that you got there? A knife? What, you going to cut me? You are, aren't you? You're going to try and cut me to pieces! Better make 'em little pieces, buster. A little piece of me is all you can handle, tough guy, with your big bad knife. Well, I been cut before, you can see that for yourself. I ain't afraid. Bring your little knife over here. You're going to need it if you want to get a piece of me. Ain't no other way for a guy like you who's too damn scared to use his hands.

C'mon. You want to find out what I'm made of? This is your big chance! Take a seat at the table, big boy! I'm servin' it up hot! C'mon! Step up to the plate, buddy!

Oh, yeah! Pow, right in the kisser! I'm up in your face now, you betcha. How you like that, huh? How you like that? Oh, you didn't like that, did you? Well, too bad, 'cause there's a lot more where that came from! Not such a big talker after a mouthful of me, are you? Looks like you got a bit more than you bargained for there, doesn't it?

Oh, now look at that. Did I mess up your nice white shirt? Huh? Did I? Well, don't start cryin' yet, pal, 'cause there's going to be a real big mess by the time you're done with me. It'll be a while before you get cleaned up. I'm going to put you down for a nice long nap. You'll be out for quite a while, I bet.

What? Fruity?! Who the hell you callin' fruity? And so what if I am, huh? Christ, I can't help the way I was made, goddamnit. And you know what? I was just minding my own business over here 'til you came over, man. I think you like it that I'm fruity. I think it makes you feel a little strange when you look at me. That's it, isn't it? You want me. You came over here because, deep down in your gut, you want a piece of something fruity! I think you came looking for a little taste of something different, and now you can't handle it. Well, I may be fruity, but at least I'm no goddamn cream puff.

That's it. You're done! You're through! I was too much for you, wasn't I? Wasn't I? Admit it, pal, I was way too big for you. Well, you may think you're done with me, but I ain't done with you. Hope you didn't have any plans for tonight, 'cause I'm going to go right through you. I'm going to go through you like Sherman through Georgia.

Man, I wouldn't want to be you tomorrow morning.

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