You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism?

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Vol 40 Issue 41

The Pope's Beatifications

Pope John Paul II beatified five people last week, among them a German mystic whose violent visions of Christ's suffering inspired Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. Who is the Pope planning to beatify next?

Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—More than 200 members of the International Brotherhood of Boilermakers picketed outside Ross-Ade Stadium Monday, protesting what they characterized as Purdue University's insensitive use of a boilermaker as a mascot. "We have worked too hard forging America's boilers to endure one-dimensional stereotypes like Purdue Pete," union president Newton B. Jones said. "Pete may be muscular and sensibly wearing a hardhat, but the hammer he brandishes serves as an ugly reminder of isolated instances of violence in the boilermakers' otherwise proud history." A similar controversy erupted in 2003, when a University of North Carolina football game was interrupted by 35 protesters afflicted with congenitally tarred heels.

Pringles Level At Six Inches And Falling

CINCINNATI—Snack experts warned Monday at 9:15 p.m. that the Pringles level within the Cody household had dipped to a dangerously low six inches and showed no signs of leveling off. "If the depletion of the Pizzalicious Pringles sitting on the couch does not slow, the supply may dip to a fraction of an inch before the end of Everybody Loves Raymond," said Carla Cody, who had been monitoring the potato-crisp reserve since 7 p.m. "It is crucial that we explore such alternative snack sources as Goldfish crackers." Cody then moved the can to the kitchen as a stop-gap measure.

U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur

Last week, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan set up a commission to determine whether genocide has taken place in the Darfur region of Sudan. What do you think?

World Bank Forecloses On World Farm

WASHINGTON, DC—Following years of threats, the World Bank foreclosed on the World Farm, a 64,000-square-mile plot of arable land in Dodoma, Tanzania that provides wheat, cattle, and goats to much of the Eastern Hemisphere. "This farm has been in my family since Zanzibar was a British protectorate," World Farmer Mwana "Clem" Mazooka said Monday, angrily waving a pitchfork. "I'll be damned if I let some world-city creditors get their grubby hands on it." In spite of Mazooka's protests, World Bank representatives said the World Farm Auction will take place on Oct. 24.

Apartment-Hunting Tips

Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers to help you find your perfect living space:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism?

Thank you!

Thank you all so much for that warm welcome. It's wonderful to be back in the great state of Wisconsin. Yessiree bob.

I want to thank the good people at Krueger Dairy here in New Glarus for permitting me to visit your terrific cheese factory and stir the whey a little. And thanks very much for this complimentary Krueger Dairy T-shirt. Here, look, I'm putting it on over my shirt and tie. Oh, there's a cap? I'll put that fucker on, too! Cheeese!

Thanks! Thanks so much for laughing at that—and the cheese pun! Just injecting a little humor into the proceedings, because you "regular folks" eat that shit up! The polls say voters want optimism, not analysis. Well, I really want to be your vice president, so I'm more than willing to avoid all that intellectual mumbo-jumbo. My fellow Americans, you want to see some fucking optimism? Let's go! By the time I'm through here, you'll be shitting candy canes! Chim chim cheree!

Any blue-collar laborers out there? Wow! A lot of hands! Well, line up for your complimentary ass-kiss! You keep this country strong! Now, I think you deserve better than what you've received from the present administration, but I won't be a Negative Nelly and go into all the details. I'm at a cheese factory, for Christ's sake, not some goddamn international symposium on economic policy. You probably all want to go home and watch TV. I'll just briefly mention that, as the son of a humble textile-mill worker from North Carolina, I understand the challenges average Americans face. I won't elaborate, though. What is this, the "culture wars"? Ha! Know what? I love watching TV, too! Law & Order, Friends... I eat that shit up.

And how about my middle-class people? Any middle-class people out there? Hey! Who's gonna be your next vice president? All right! Let's hear it for pot bellies and minivans and stinky disposable diapers! How about a shout-out to credit-card debt? I love it! I wish I could pinch your chubby little chipmunk cheeks! If you put John Kerry and me in the White House, we'll have each one of you in the driver's seat of a brand-new SUV. Your bosses will be less cranky, your children will be kept in trucker hats and iPods, and your TV screens will grow even wider. Those who are bald will wake up one morning and magically find themselves with thick heads of luxurious, silky hair. You'll open your refrigerators and 15-pound hams will tumble out. Your dog might even start to talk, and the first thing he'll say is "I love you." It'll be that good.

Did I mention... the tax cut? John Kerry and I support a nice, big, fat, fucking tax cut for you, because let's face it, nothing good can ever come from taxes. They're a big pain in the ass! We'll do fine without 'em! There! I'm feeling so cheery, I wouldn't be surprised if a friggin' unicorn stepped out on stage and started humpin' my leg!

Say, anybody out there a fan of... the Green Bay Packers? All right! Cool!

God bless this wonderful country! As I travel across this great and glorious land of ours, my belief in America is continuously renewed. Not that it ever needs to be renewed, as it is always high. Incredibly high! I should add that John Kerry and I will keep America strong. I won't bore you with a bunch of fucking specifics. Just know that, should you elect John Kerry, we'll be able to bounce a goddamn quarter off our border! We'll have big impenetrable gates made of gumdrops and, I don't know, gold. Whatever the fuck! And they'll magically slide open when someone pure of heart approaches and says, "Let me back in, America! My Caribbean cruise was nice, but there's no place like home!"

Oh, that reminds me! God bless our troops in Iraq! They have served America bravely and well. If elected, John Kerry and I will work with the international community to rid the world of terrorism. In fact, come next Christmas, our young men and women will be back home, wearing bright red sweaters with reindeer and bells on the front. That might seem like an impossibly tall order, but just a few years ago, I was an unknown trial lawyer. Now, I'm running for the second-highest office in this great land! I'm smiling so wide, the top of my head might fall off!

Wow! Look at the time! Well, I have to hop a jet to Florissant, Missouri to address some more patriots. Thank you so, so much for giving me the opportunity to speak to you all! It's been super! Let's work together to pave the way for a big, bright, beautiful fucking future for America, all right? So all the world can once again say, "Hey, where's that warm, golden glow coming from? Why, it's coming from the U.S. of A., where cocks are thick, tits are perky, and sunbeams shine out of everyone's asses!"

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