You Will Suffer Humiliation When The Sports Team From My Area Defeats The Sports Team From Your Area

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Vol 37 Issue 14

Ironic-Kitsch-Appreciation Subculture Excited About New Britney Spears Novel

AUSTIN, TX–Across the nation, Gen-X ironic-kitsch aficionados are racing to bookstores to pick up the new Britney Spears novel A Mother's Gift. "Holy shit, check it out: It's about a teenage girl who becomes a pop superstar thanks to the love and support of her mother," Mike Romanoff, 29, told friend Darius Grace, 30, while perusing the book at an Austin-area Barnes & Noble. "This is an instant classic on par with Fabio After Dark." Added Tim Edwards, operator of the popular "Mr. Sarcastic" web site: "I cannot wait to read this 'timeless, universal story as written by the girl who actually lived it.' Awesome."

St. Jude Swears Off Ever Answering Another Personals Ad

HEAVEN–Exasperated after a string of bad dates, Catholic martyr St. Jude vowed Monday never to respond to another personals ad. "Man, talk about hopeless causes," the holy figure said. "Do I have a sign on my head saying, 'Losers of the world, contact St. Jude?' I mean, these were some big-time desperate cases." Jude added that, from now on, he will respond only to direct prayer delivered in a Roman Catholic Church.

Bus Passenger Suspects Man In Next Seat Might Be Having Conversation With Him

SPOKANE, WA–An hour after pulling out of Spokane Monday, Greyhound passenger Ed Comello began suspecting that the man in the next seat was having a conversation with him. "I was gazing silently out the window," Comello said, "and I could hear the guy next to me going on about having to get to Tacoma tonight and how 'if your mama's sick, you got to go visit her.' I assumed he was talking to the person across the aisle, but when I looked across, the seat was empty." Comello added that he was afraid to acknowledge the possible conversation for fear of prolonging it.

Sitcom Resorts To Wizard Of Oz-Themed Fantasy Episode

BURBANK, CA–Desperate for plotlines as its fifth season winds down, NBC's Just Shoot Me resorted to the time-honored Wizard Of Oz-themed fantasy episode Thursday. "David [Spade] gets hit over the head, and when he wakes up, he's in Oz," head writer Alex Cohen said. "Laura [San Giacomo] is The Tin Man, George [Segal] is the Cowardly Lion, Wendie [Malick] is the Scarecrow, and David–here's the best part–is Dorothy." Cohen said plans are already in the works for a late-December It's A Wonderful Life fantasy episode.

Bill Up And Dies In Tennessee Legislature

NASHVILLE, TN–Democratic supporters of H.R. 3470, the Shelby County Millage Act, were right sorry Monday when the bill up and died in the Tennessee General Assembly. "We done supported that bill like a mama possum supports her young 'uns," said Rep. Clem McCombs (D-Pikeville), the bill's sponsor. "But the committee process was just too ornery." Rep. Lefty Perkins (R-Pigeon Forge), chairman of the House Committee On Looking After Your Own Business, celebrated the death of the bill by firing his shotgun into the air.

Odds 'N' Ends

Your old pal Jean has never claimed to be an expert on journalism, but there's one thing I do know: When you write a newspaper column, you have to pour your heart out. You loyal Jeanketeers out there know all about my battle with my weight, my troubles with hubby Rick, and my series of lousy, low-paying jobs. I admit that some of that stuff is a little embarrassing. It's not the kind of thing you usually tell total strangers. But being so open and honest in my column helps me get things off my chest, and I always feel a whole lot better for it. (For a little while, at least!)
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You Will Suffer Humiliation When The Sports Team From My Area Defeats The Sports Team From Your Area

As you can see from the calendar, the game is coming up this weekend. I'm sure you are as excited for it as I am, as our cities are rivals and have been for quite some time. Your confidence in your team is high, but rest assured, you will suffer humiliation when the sports team from my area defeats the sports team from your area.

On numerous occasions, you have expressed the conviction that your area's sports team will be victorious. I must admit that every time I hear you make this proclamation, I react with both laughter and disbelief. "Ha!" I say to myself with laughter. "What?!" I say to myself in disbelief. How could you believe that your sports team could beat my sports team? It is clear that yours is inferior in every way.

When the sporting contest begins, the players on your team will be treated as though they are inconsequential. It will be remarkably easy for my team to accumulate more points than yours. There are many reasons for this, starting with the inferior physical attributes of the players representing your area. Strength, speed, and agility are just three of the qualities that the players on the team from your area lack. The players representing my area, on the other hand, have these traits in abundance.

I would not be a bit surprised if the individuals on the team from your area were sexually attracted to members of their own gender. That is how ineffective they are on the field of battle.

Underscoring your team's inferiority is its choice of colors. It is ludicrous to believe that your team's colors inspire either respect or fear. Instead, they appear to have been chosen by someone who is colorblind or, perhaps, bereft of sight altogether. The colors for my team, on the other hand, are aesthetically pleasing when placed in proximity to one another. They are a superior color combination in every way.

While we are on the subject of aesthetics, let us compare the respective facilities in which our teams play. While my team's edifice is blessed with architectural splendor and the most modern of amenities, yours is a thoroughly unpleasant place in which to watch a sporting contest. I know of what I speak, for I once attended a game between our respective teams in your facility. Let's just say the experience left me wishing that my car was inoperable that day due to mechanical problems, rendering it impossible for me to get to your area to attend the game.

If you need another reason why the sporting franchise representing my area is superior, look no further than the supporters for the two sides. Not only are the supporters of the team from my region more spirited, but they are also more intelligent and of finer breeding than you and the rest of your ilk. In addition, the female supporters of the team from my area possess more attractive countenances and figures than yours. Some of the women from my side that I have observed could make a living by posing for pictures for major men's magazines. The women who cheer for your team, I'm afraid, are far too unattractive to do so.

One of the more pathetic aspects of the team from your area is the fact that only people in your immediate area possess an affinity for it. By means of contrast, the team from my area inspires loyalty and affection in individuals who live in many other geographic locations.

To illustrate this point, let me tell a brief story: Recently, I was on vacation in an area of the country far away from my own, and I saw many individuals wearing items of clothing that bore the insignia of my team. I approached one such individual and asked him if he originated from my area. He said no, explaining that he simply liked the team from my area and had for many years. Interestingly enough, during this trip, I saw no clothing or other paraphernalia bearing the insignia of your team.

Do you still doubt that the team from your area is inferior to the one from mine? Just look at our teams' respective histories. In the past, we have defeated you on any number of occasions. Granted, there were times when your team beat my team, but those were lucky flukes.

The day of the game will soon be at hand. And no matter how hard you pray to a higher power or how many foam accoutrements you wear in support of the team from your area, your team will be defeated. We will win and you will lose. This is your fate.

Prepare for humiliation. It shall be upon you at the designated hour.

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