You Win Some, You Claim To Have Won Some

In This Section

Vol 40 Issue 18

Willie Nelson Spaces On Holding Farm Aid

SPICEWOOD, TX—Country-music legend Willie Nelson completely spaced on holding a Farm Aid benefit concert this year, the singer admitted Monday. "Man, I've been doing the damn thing for 19 years, but somehow the plight of the American farmer slipped my mind this year," Nelson said. "We'll never get a venue by September now." Nelson added that John Mellencamp or Neil Young could've called to remind him.

Masturbatory Prose Style Fails To Reach Climax

NEW YORK—Writer Terrence Hendrie's debut novel I, Me, Eye, with its lengthy sentences and elaborate footnotes, failed to result in a climax, sources reported Monday. "Hendrie really works himself into a frenzy, massaging his love for obscure vocabulary," bookstore owner Robert Silvers said of the 385-page novel, which opens, "Adam, his serpentine ponytail flapping freely in the wintertide dithers, frostbitten grapewine bouche pursed around a smoldering Camel, hands gripping a Dachshund-eared copy of Hesse's Demian, which he recalled borrowing from his Cambridge roommate Geoffrey—young Geoffrey, how Adam chided him for his nostalgie de la boue." "Then, after 385 pages, the wanking-off ends abruptly, leaving the reader unsatisfied." Silvers added that the book's attempts at humor were too dry.

Herpetologist Names Son After Famous Herpetologist

CORAL GABLES, FL—Herpetologist Linus R. Bolton and his wife Kareena announced Monday that they are the proud parents of eight-pound, five-ounce Archie Carr Bolton, named after famous Florida herpetologist and biologist Archie Carr. "It was Dr. Carr's work on the life cycle of the sea turtle that inspired me to pursue the study of reptiles and amphibians," Bolton said. "This is my way of honoring him." Bolton and Kareena, a Chinese chef, have two other children: Ginger, 4, and General Tso, 2.

Mass Grave Blasted For Lack Of Diversity

SARAJEVO, BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA—Members of the International Coalition for Equality criticized a newly unearthed mass grave Monday, saying it lacked religious and racial diversity. "The funereal pit is brimming with Croats, nearly 300 of them, without a single representative Serb," ICE spokesman Jacques Marchand said. "Exclusionary burial practices like this send a negative message to the world. Corpses of all races and creeds should be tossed together to decay in harmony." Marchand acknowledged that the grave did, at least, have a sprinkling of women and children.

Vladimir Putin Begins Second Term As Whatever He Is

MOSCOW—After winning a landslide re-election in March, this week Russian leader of some sort Vladimir Putin begins his second term as whatever he was during his first term, U.S. sources reported Tuesday. "We would all like to wish Putin continued luck as the Russian premier or prime minister or czar or... you know," White House press secretary Scott McClellan said. "Well, I'm pretty sure it's not 'president.' Does 'President Putin' sound right?" McClellan added that he wishes Mr. Putin, or Herr Putin, or Comrade Putin, or The Monsieur, the best.

The Social Security Time Bomb

Experts continue to urge Congress to cut the growth of Social Security, warning that the nation faces unsustainable deficits if action isn't taken. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

You Win Some, You Claim To Have Won Some

If there's one thing I've learned about life, it's that things rarely go according to plan. You have to expect to take a few knocks here and there. That's why I've developed a way to cope with life's pitfalls. When things don't go right, I just stick my chin out, turn my frown upside down, and lie to everyone about what actually happened.

Even if you're extremely talented, it's impossible to win every time. But telling people that you won takes no effort at all, and you can always fall back on it. Try it the next time you get turned down for a date. Instead of shrugging it off and telling yourself there are other fish in the sea, tell your friends that the chick was hot for you, but you passed on her because she was giving off a psycho vibe or her teeth were bad.

Take what happened last month: I went to Atlantic City and lost $400 on slots, but at work Monday, I told everyone I'd won $170 at the tables. I'd have said I won more, but then they would've expected me to bring in donuts. Anyway, it's not like my gambling win was a total lie. I did make $55 at the tables at my friend's bachelor party in 1988, and yesterday, I won $5 on scratch-off tickets.

Okay, I didn't really win on the scratch-off. I lost $2. But for a few seconds, you were with me, weren't you?

If life hands you lemons, throw them out, pile some old newspapers on top of them so no one sees them in your garbage can, and then tell everyone you had lemonade. Really go into detail. Tell your friends how sweet it was, and how you served it up in a big tall glass, nice and cold, and talk at length about how great it is that life keeps bringing you delicious lemonade in beautiful glasses. They'll be too busy envying your lemonade to notice that you're a lying, losing, lonely bastard.

Okay, so you blew an important meeting at work and now you're saying "better luck next time," and vowing to work harder. What kind of attitude is that? Why not claim to have worked hard this time, you ponce? Say your boss fucked everything up. If you get fired, tell everyone you got a promotion, didn't like working with the pricks upstairs, and quit to field better offers. It's so simple. I can't stand a person with a negative attitude. When the road of life gets a little bumpy, go to the nearest airport and fly home. Once home, talk at length about how your epic journey across America via the nation's historic one-lane highways changed your life.

Who likes a winner? Everyone. Who likes a loser? Exactly. It doesn't matter if you're a good loser or the worst loser ever. As far as everyone else is concerned, you can still be a winner. The only way people will know you're a loser is if you tell them what your life is actually like. Why would you do that?

Let's say you're late meeting a friend for dinner. There are all sorts of ways to get out of this one without losing face or being truthful. You can say you locked your keys in your house and had to call the locksmith, but then you'd still look like a flake. Instead, tell them that you ran into the mayor and had a long discussion about your idea for a multicultural peace park. Make the most out of a bad experience. If you put your mind to it, you could come up with literally hundreds of ways to spin your sad-sack life into 24-karat gold.

So, the next time you're down on your luck, take a look at the man in the mirror and tell him how great everything is going. If you can't fool yourself, how are you going to fool everyone else?

If you get the crap knocked out of you in a fight, say "You should see the other guy." If you get thrown out of a bar, tell everyone you were sick of the losers hanging out in the place. If you're house-sitting for someone, and their cat runs away because you forgot to close the door, stage a break-in and tell the cat's owners the burglars let it out, but you came just in time to save their possessions. If you're diagnosed with cancer, tell people you're moving to Hawaii. When they don't see you around anymore, they'll think you're sitting under a palm tree, drinking a piña colada. See? You won!

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More