adBlockCheck

You Won't Believe This, But I'm Actually On A Crowded Elevator Right Now

Top Headlines

Recent News

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

You Won't Believe This, But I'm Actually On A Crowded Elevator Right Now

Oh, hey David. No, it's a fine time. Always got time for you, my man. Dave. How's that lady I saw you with on Saturday? No shit. You're something else, my friend. Really something. Oh, that? That was just the second floor. Yeah, you won't believe this, but I'm actually on this crowded elevator right now. Yeah, it's totally crazy. We're packed like sardines in here.

Dude, I can hardly move. That's why it took me four rings to pick up. I was, like, trying to jam my hand down into my pocket without touching this woman's ass in front of me. Everyone was probably like, "Who's playing 'Ice Ice Baby'?" 'Cause of my ringtone. Yeah, it's really, really funny. Vanilla Ice. What? Yes, you do. It went, "ding ding ding da-da ding-ding." Come on! Listen: "ding ding ding da-da ding-ding, ding ding ding-ding doo-doo doo-doo doo." Call me back and you can hear—wait, that wouldn't work. Anyway.

Yeah, I get great service. Mm, I think like $40. Only two bars, but you can hear me fine, right? I'll speak up.

Yeah, pretty good. Well, the Tiffany thing's not going so well. I don't know. All of a sudden, she got uptight on me. I'm gonna lay low for a week or two, and then see what's up. But damn, those pantsuits she wears. I mean... Holy shit.

God, there's so many people. I'm right in the center, too. What ever happened to the concept of personal space?

Shit, this elevator has gotta be over the weight limit. I'll be lucky if I make it without plummeting to my death. Wait! What's that sound?! Ahhh! Dave, call 911! Heh heh. No? Not even for a second? Oh well.

Problem is, the elevator always fills up with all these people from the law firms in the building. I know. I'm the one who works around them. What? Maybe. Try me. Mm, how many? Heh heh. "How many can you afford?" Dude, that's so true.

Halfway there. Sixty-first floor.

Isn't it weird how everyone stares forward in an elevator. Just like zombies. "Brains!" What? I know. It's stopping at every fucking floor. I don't even know what's on half these floors. There's this cafeteria on 30, so a couple people got off, but then like a dozen people got on.

Hey, isn't it funny how you make gestures when you're on the phone, even though the person on the other end can't see them? Like, I just did this zombie face, even though there's no way you could see it. Yeah, I saw it. It sucked rod.

One sec. Let me switch hands again.

Christ, I'm sweating like a pig... I can smell myself.

Nah, I just grabbed a sandwich. Shit, I'm gonna be late. Dave, let me put you on speaker for a second while I unwrap this bad boy. I got a pastrami melt and the smell is just irre-fucking-sistible. No, Luigi's. Fried onions, totally.

Mmmf. So damn good.

I should get one of those headsets, but people who use those things look like such assholes. Mmmmm!

Okay, I'm here. Okay, cool. Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close