You Won't Believe This, But I'm Actually On A Crowded Elevator Right Now

Top Headlines

Recent News

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Good Times

You Won't Believe This, But I'm Actually On A Crowded Elevator Right Now

Oh, hey David. No, it's a fine time. Always got time for you, my man. Dave. How's that lady I saw you with on Saturday? No shit. You're something else, my friend. Really something. Oh, that? That was just the second floor. Yeah, you won't believe this, but I'm actually on this crowded elevator right now. Yeah, it's totally crazy. We're packed like sardines in here.

Dude, I can hardly move. That's why it took me four rings to pick up. I was, like, trying to jam my hand down into my pocket without touching this woman's ass in front of me. Everyone was probably like, "Who's playing 'Ice Ice Baby'?" 'Cause of my ringtone. Yeah, it's really, really funny. Vanilla Ice. What? Yes, you do. It went, "ding ding ding da-da ding-ding." Come on! Listen: "ding ding ding da-da ding-ding, ding ding ding-ding doo-doo doo-doo doo." Call me back and you can hear—wait, that wouldn't work. Anyway.

Yeah, I get great service. Mm, I think like $40. Only two bars, but you can hear me fine, right? I'll speak up.

Yeah, pretty good. Well, the Tiffany thing's not going so well. I don't know. All of a sudden, she got uptight on me. I'm gonna lay low for a week or two, and then see what's up. But damn, those pantsuits she wears. I mean... Holy shit.

God, there's so many people. I'm right in the center, too. What ever happened to the concept of personal space?

Shit, this elevator has gotta be over the weight limit. I'll be lucky if I make it without plummeting to my death. Wait! What's that sound?! Ahhh! Dave, call 911! Heh heh. No? Not even for a second? Oh well.

Problem is, the elevator always fills up with all these people from the law firms in the building. I know. I'm the one who works around them. What? Maybe. Try me. Mm, how many? Heh heh. "How many can you afford?" Dude, that's so true.

Halfway there. Sixty-first floor.

Isn't it weird how everyone stares forward in an elevator. Just like zombies. "Brains!" What? I know. It's stopping at every fucking floor. I don't even know what's on half these floors. There's this cafeteria on 30, so a couple people got off, but then like a dozen people got on.

Hey, isn't it funny how you make gestures when you're on the phone, even though the person on the other end can't see them? Like, I just did this zombie face, even though there's no way you could see it. Yeah, I saw it. It sucked rod.

One sec. Let me switch hands again.

Christ, I'm sweating like a pig... I can smell myself.

Nah, I just grabbed a sandwich. Shit, I'm gonna be late. Dave, let me put you on speaker for a second while I unwrap this bad boy. I got a pastrami melt and the smell is just irre-fucking-sistible. No, Luigi's. Fried onions, totally.

Mmmf. So damn good.

I should get one of those headsets, but people who use those things look like such assholes. Mmmmm!

Okay, I'm here. Okay, cool. Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow.