You Won't Believe This, But I'm Actually On A Crowded Elevator Right Now

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

You Won't Believe This, But I'm Actually On A Crowded Elevator Right Now

Oh, hey David. No, it's a fine time. Always got time for you, my man. Dave. How's that lady I saw you with on Saturday? No shit. You're something else, my friend. Really something. Oh, that? That was just the second floor. Yeah, you won't believe this, but I'm actually on this crowded elevator right now. Yeah, it's totally crazy. We're packed like sardines in here.

Dude, I can hardly move. That's why it took me four rings to pick up. I was, like, trying to jam my hand down into my pocket without touching this woman's ass in front of me. Everyone was probably like, "Who's playing 'Ice Ice Baby'?" 'Cause of my ringtone. Yeah, it's really, really funny. Vanilla Ice. What? Yes, you do. It went, "ding ding ding da-da ding-ding." Come on! Listen: "ding ding ding da-da ding-ding, ding ding ding-ding doo-doo doo-doo doo." Call me back and you can hear—wait, that wouldn't work. Anyway.

Yeah, I get great service. Mm, I think like $40. Only two bars, but you can hear me fine, right? I'll speak up.

Yeah, pretty good. Well, the Tiffany thing's not going so well. I don't know. All of a sudden, she got uptight on me. I'm gonna lay low for a week or two, and then see what's up. But damn, those pantsuits she wears. I mean... Holy shit.

God, there's so many people. I'm right in the center, too. What ever happened to the concept of personal space?

Shit, this elevator has gotta be over the weight limit. I'll be lucky if I make it without plummeting to my death. Wait! What's that sound?! Ahhh! Dave, call 911! Heh heh. No? Not even for a second? Oh well.

Problem is, the elevator always fills up with all these people from the law firms in the building. I know. I'm the one who works around them. What? Maybe. Try me. Mm, how many? Heh heh. "How many can you afford?" Dude, that's so true.

Halfway there. Sixty-first floor.

Isn't it weird how everyone stares forward in an elevator. Just like zombies. "Brains!" What? I know. It's stopping at every fucking floor. I don't even know what's on half these floors. There's this cafeteria on 30, so a couple people got off, but then like a dozen people got on.

Hey, isn't it funny how you make gestures when you're on the phone, even though the person on the other end can't see them? Like, I just did this zombie face, even though there's no way you could see it. Yeah, I saw it. It sucked rod.

One sec. Let me switch hands again.

Christ, I'm sweating like a pig... I can smell myself.

Nah, I just grabbed a sandwich. Shit, I'm gonna be late. Dave, let me put you on speaker for a second while I unwrap this bad boy. I got a pastrami melt and the smell is just irre-fucking-sistible. No, Luigi's. Fried onions, totally.

Mmmf. So damn good.

I should get one of those headsets, but people who use those things look like such assholes. Mmmmm!

Okay, I'm here. Okay, cool. Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close