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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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You'll Never Love Our Amazing Deals On Household Appliances Unless You First Love Yourself

Good afternoon, there! Let me direct you to our housewares section, where we've slashed prices on kitchen appliances and home furnishings to the bone! We have the guaranteed lowest prices on all the latest designs, plus a variety of payment plans to fit your personal needs. And speaking of personal needs, I've been meaning to ask—have you taken time today to recognize that you're a wonderful person who has a lot to give? After all, you'll never love our amazing deals on food processors, Sub-Zero refrigerators, and high-end countertop ranges unless you first learn to love yourself.

We have tremendous this-weekend-and-this-weekend-only markdowns going on right now. Some absolutely unbeatable deals on the brands you know and trust—KitchenAid, Cuisinart, Black & Decker—but how can you possibly appreciate these incredible specials without appreciating all the things that make you special?

You have to embrace what you have to offer before you can embrace, for example, our incredible offer on this five-piece Avanti dinette set, which is a steal at just $399.99.

We are practically giving away top-quality merchandise for your kitchen and living room, and that's exactly why it's crucial for you to stop right there and really think about all of your accomplishments and the amazing things you have going for you. There's nothing more important right now than your very own self-respect—not even the fact that our doorbuster sale on this LG front-load washer-dryer combo ends at midnight tonight.

It's true, with prices like these, people may think we're insane, but not as insane as you'd be to try to take advantage of these unbelievable bargains on European-style convection wall ovens without first considering how sensitive and thoughtful a human being you are!

Now, I can't let you leave without showing you our wide selection of stainless-steel Whirlpool dishwashers, which, for a limited time, come with free delivery and installation. But while we're looking at all the features available on these efficient, Energy Star–approved models, perhaps you should take a moment to make a mental list of all of your great qualities, and why you should be really proud of where you're at in your life right now. Trust me, prices like these can't be found anywhere else in town, but you know what? You're a unique individual, and a person like you can't be found anywhere else on this planet.

While I do want you to take a look at this beautiful set of Hampton Forge kitchen knives—an incredible value at 40 percent off—I also want you to take a good long look at your own value. Between you and me, I've already had four very satisfied customers walk out of here today with this very same set of knives, but it wouldn't have meant anything, damn it, if they weren't already satisfied with who they were and with their place in this world. I mean, I absolutely think you deserve to take these knives home right now, but I want you to believe that you deserve it.

Please, show me you care about yourself so I can show you our deal of the century on this Craftsman wet-dry vacuum, perfect for home or garage. At least try to show me.

But hurry—deals like this aren't going to last!

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