adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

You'll Never Love Our Amazing Deals On Household Appliances Unless You First Love Yourself

Good afternoon, there! Let me direct you to our housewares section, where we've slashed prices on kitchen appliances and home furnishings to the bone! We have the guaranteed lowest prices on all the latest designs, plus a variety of payment plans to fit your personal needs. And speaking of personal needs, I've been meaning to ask—have you taken time today to recognize that you're a wonderful person who has a lot to give? After all, you'll never love our amazing deals on food processors, Sub-Zero refrigerators, and high-end countertop ranges unless you first learn to love yourself.

We have tremendous this-weekend-and-this-weekend-only markdowns going on right now. Some absolutely unbeatable deals on the brands you know and trust—KitchenAid, Cuisinart, Black & Decker—but how can you possibly appreciate these incredible specials without appreciating all the things that make you special?

You have to embrace what you have to offer before you can embrace, for example, our incredible offer on this five-piece Avanti dinette set, which is a steal at just $399.99.

We are practically giving away top-quality merchandise for your kitchen and living room, and that's exactly why it's crucial for you to stop right there and really think about all of your accomplishments and the amazing things you have going for you. There's nothing more important right now than your very own self-respect—not even the fact that our doorbuster sale on this LG front-load washer-dryer combo ends at midnight tonight.

It's true, with prices like these, people may think we're insane, but not as insane as you'd be to try to take advantage of these unbelievable bargains on European-style convection wall ovens without first considering how sensitive and thoughtful a human being you are!

Now, I can't let you leave without showing you our wide selection of stainless-steel Whirlpool dishwashers, which, for a limited time, come with free delivery and installation. But while we're looking at all the features available on these efficient, Energy Star–approved models, perhaps you should take a moment to make a mental list of all of your great qualities, and why you should be really proud of where you're at in your life right now. Trust me, prices like these can't be found anywhere else in town, but you know what? You're a unique individual, and a person like you can't be found anywhere else on this planet.

While I do want you to take a look at this beautiful set of Hampton Forge kitchen knives—an incredible value at 40 percent off—I also want you to take a good long look at your own value. Between you and me, I've already had four very satisfied customers walk out of here today with this very same set of knives, but it wouldn't have meant anything, damn it, if they weren't already satisfied with who they were and with their place in this world. I mean, I absolutely think you deserve to take these knives home right now, but I want you to believe that you deserve it.

Please, show me you care about yourself so I can show you our deal of the century on this Craftsman wet-dry vacuum, perfect for home or garage. At least try to show me.

But hurry—deals like this aren't going to last!

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close