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You’ll Never Work In This Town Again!

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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You’ll Never Work In This Town Again!

Listen up, pal, ’cause I’m gonna give it to you straight. We all know you helped build this town. Hell, there was a time when you made this town tick. But times have changed, and your time is long past, buddy. You’re finished, get it? Done. Through. You’re all washed up.

Let me make this real clear: You’re a no-good filthy bum, and you’ll never work in this town again!

So go on, get outta here. Beat it!

Mark my words, you won’t find a paying job in Detroit for the rest of your miserable life. You won’t work on the East Side. You won’t work on the West Side. You won’t work up around Eight Mile or down in Delray. Just try showing your sorry mug in these parts and see if you get hired. No one’ll bite. Not even in the suburbs: You won’t get a job in Auburn Hills. No one will hire you in Dearborn. You’re sure as shit not seeing a paycheck in Pontiac.

You’ve punched your last time card in this godforsaken town, I guaran-goddamn-tee it.

Don’t believe me? Still hoping that maybe, somehow, you can find a factory job in southeast Michigan? Fine, why don’t you check over at Mercury or Saturn or Oldsmobile? Yeah, see that how that goes. It ain’t gonna happen, baby! Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. This is the end of the line—everybody off!

Seriously, if you’re even thinking about applying for a job with decent pay and benefits in this town, you’re out of your fucking skull. There are nearly 200,000 people in the metro area who need work—do you actually believe that there’s going to be a position for you? That through sheer hard honest work, through the sweat of your brow, you can earn a living, support yourself and your family? Not in this town. Not on your life.

We’re talking about six decades of solid decline in a city whose economy was propped up by a single industry. There’s no more chance of us making a comeback than there is of you working an honest 9-to-5 job and saving enough to send your kids to college.

Oh, Mr. Factory Worker thinks because he worked for GM or Ford for 20 or 30 years and gave them the best years of his life, that he’s got a job owed to him in this town? No, way. Dream on. You’re a carton of milk past its expiration date, my friend. So take your hard-earned and now-obsolete job skills and get the hell out of here.

Or how about I save you some time and just kick your ass to the curb? You won’t have to live in the gutter, you know. We have around 70,000 abandoned buildings for you to squat in.

What more do I have to tell you? If we have any working buses left, catch the next one out of town and never come back. Because as long as you’re within the 139-square-mile confines of the Motor City, you’re shit out of luck, pal. Fold your hand and walk away if you still can, because there’s nothing for you here.

I’m deeply, deeply sorry.

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