Your Dog Is In Heaven Now, With No One To Feed Him

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Your Dog Is In Heaven Now, With No One To Feed Him

Come over here and sit on Mommy's lap. I've got some bad news, Tommy. Are you ready? Tommy, while you were at school today, Sparky got out of the backyard and ran in front of a truck. I rushed him to the vet, but there was nothing she could do.

I'm so sorry, honey. I know that you loved Sparky very much, but I'm afraid he's gone to Doggie Heaven. Remember learning about Heaven in Sunday school? Doggie Heaven is like that, but there are no people there, because it's a place for dogs to spend forever, romping and playing with other dogs.

Hmm, that's a good question, honey. I don't know who's going to feed Sparky. I guess no one.

Don't cry, Tommy. You shouldn't be sad. Doggie Heaven is a wonderful place where all the dogs nap in the sun on big cloud mattresses all day. And every dog has his own big food bowl with his name engraved on it. But I suppose you're right: Sparky's bowl will be empty, because you won't be there to fill it. Eventually, he'll probably get so hungry he'll try gnawing off his own tail, just to do something to try to stop the pain in his belly.

Doggie Heaven has big, green fields for romping, and Sparky can chase all the rabbits and squirrels he wants. Everywhere you look, there are all kinds of rubber toys. But he'll probably be so hungry that he'll tear the rubber toys apart and eat them. Then he'll throw up, just like the time he ate the potpourri. I imagine he'll try to eat his own vomit, and then the angels up there will smack him with a rolled-up newspaper for being a bad dog.

Of course Doggie Heaven has angels! They're God's special friends. The angels play harps for the dogs and make sure they don't jump the fence into cat heaven. Do you remember when Grandma died, and we told you about St. Peter? He's the one who knows who's been good and who's been bad, just like Santa. But instead of presents, St. Peter lets people into Heaven. That's a nice idea, honey, but he's much too busy to feed little boys' dogs.

Why don't the angels feed Sparky? Because he's your dog. Remember how you begged us to get him from the pet store, and we didn't think you were ready for the responsibility? Remember how you prayed that you'd be able to get Sparky and promised that if we brought him home, you'd be the one to feed and walk him every single day? Well, Tommy, you made a promise, and God will hold you to it, no matter how much Sparky howls and whimpers. I wouldn't be surprised if God chains Sparky outside until he learns how to be quiet, which might be a long time. You remember how spunky Sparky was. That was part of the reason that we loved him, wasn't it? Sparky had character, but God likes obedience. He won't take kindly to a dog with an attitude.

Of course Sparky is going to miss you! He was your best friend, and he's up there right now with a ball in his mouth, waiting for you to play catch with him. When you go to Heaven and are an angel yourself, you'll be able to visit him and play with him all you like, unless he's gone crazy from malnutrition and tries to eat your face off when he sees you. Well, that is, if he still has eyes. He may have already clawed them out in hunger.

But you can't feed Sparky from here. You're still alive and Sparky is an angel dog. You can fill up his bowl down here all you want, but he's up there and can't get to it. The delicious smell of Ken-L Ration wafting up to Heaven won't do anything but make Sparky hungrier.

No, Sparky won't be able to die. He's in heaven, you silly-billy. You can't die in Heaven. Even if Sparky asks another dog whom he trusts to tear his throat open, or deliberately twists his neck between the bars on the pearly gates, or chokes down some sticks in an attempt to puncture his aching tummy, he still won't be able to die. Sparky will just keep on living forever, wondering why you aren't feeding him. That's how Heaven is.


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