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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Your Honking Has Shown Me The Error Of My Ways

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, believe you me. But when I do, I try to be man enough to admit it. So, I confess: I really screwed up just now when I hesitated for a split second when the light turned green. I only hope the good Lord and you, the driver of the car behind me, will forgive me. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.

I can't believe how insensitive I was. I mean, I consider myself a pretty do-unto-others kind of guy, especially when behind the wheel. Sure, there are times when I get a little careless, especially when I'm thinking about something. That's what happened when you so helpfully honked at me. I was on my way home from work and had all sorts of stuff on my mind. I won't bore you with the gory details—just let's say it's about the big fight I'd just had with my wife regarding our daughter Ashley's upcoming surgery.

Anyway, I was sitting at the intersection, trying to figure some things out, when, all of a sudden, the light changed. (Hey, I'm not making excuses. There is no excuse for not hitting the gas the moment a light turns green.) Out of nowhere, I hear this honking. Now, this wasn't a concerned, friendly, "Hey, I'm here, let's move it along" honk. This was one loud, long blast of the horn. This honk said, "Hey, you fucker, just who the fuck do you fucking think you are, anyway?" Only louder. Then, you followed it up with two shorter honks, as if to say "fuck" and "you!" That was the capper.

At first, unaware of my sluggishness off the line, I was confused as to why you were honking at me so vigorously. What could I have done to upset you so much? I thought it might be my back-window sticker. I had one that said "University of Michigan Alumni Association." That was it, I thought: You went to Michigan State or Notre Dame. But then I realized that, no, that sticker was on my last car, not this one.

Then I thought you might be a Chevy driver. I drive a Ford, and Chevy drivers tend to hate Fords. But, no, you're a BMW man, so that clearly wasn't the issue.

Then, I finally realized the problem: I did not move quickly enough when the light changed! I did not act with the speed and instinct of the cheetah, potentially delaying you from making your appointed rounds. How could I have been so inconsiderate? I know what it's like to be behind someone sitting at an intersection for almost an eighth of a second. It's like they're saying to you, "I am number one, and you are behind me! I will take my own sweet time getting to my destination because I care not a whit for anyone but myself!"

How selfish I was!

Oh, if only I could do it all over again. Instead of taking my own sweet time, I would crane my neck to see exactly when the opposite light turned from green to yellow. Then, the moment it turned red, I would count, "One one-thousand... Two one-thousand," and then slam on the gas, peeling off exactly as my light turned green. That would have been the decent thing to do.

I'm sure you must be a doctor, and I prevented you from saving someone's life. Or maybe you're a dentist, and you had to do an emergency root canal on the prime minister of Japan. Or maybe you were in danger of missing the series premiere of The Agency. I shouldn't question your motives. All I really need to know is that wherever you were headed, you arrived .000000013 seconds later because of me.

In the end, all I can say is, "Thank you." I have truly learned my lesson. And because of my misdeed, I have decided that I cannot be trusted behind the wheel anymore. From now on, I will only walk. That's right, I am selling my car so that no one will ever risk suffering the terrible fate you did. I can only trust that this act of contrition will let me get by in life with less guilt. Please, forgive me. Please?

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