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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Your Honking Has Shown Me The Error Of My Ways

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, believe you me. But when I do, I try to be man enough to admit it. So, I confess: I really screwed up just now when I hesitated for a split second when the light turned green. I only hope the good Lord and you, the driver of the car behind me, will forgive me. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.

I can't believe how insensitive I was. I mean, I consider myself a pretty do-unto-others kind of guy, especially when behind the wheel. Sure, there are times when I get a little careless, especially when I'm thinking about something. That's what happened when you so helpfully honked at me. I was on my way home from work and had all sorts of stuff on my mind. I won't bore you with the gory details—just let's say it's about the big fight I'd just had with my wife regarding our daughter Ashley's upcoming surgery.

Anyway, I was sitting at the intersection, trying to figure some things out, when, all of a sudden, the light changed. (Hey, I'm not making excuses. There is no excuse for not hitting the gas the moment a light turns green.) Out of nowhere, I hear this honking. Now, this wasn't a concerned, friendly, "Hey, I'm here, let's move it along" honk. This was one loud, long blast of the horn. This honk said, "Hey, you fucker, just who the fuck do you fucking think you are, anyway?" Only louder. Then, you followed it up with two shorter honks, as if to say "fuck" and "you!" That was the capper.

At first, unaware of my sluggishness off the line, I was confused as to why you were honking at me so vigorously. What could I have done to upset you so much? I thought it might be my back-window sticker. I had one that said "University of Michigan Alumni Association." That was it, I thought: You went to Michigan State or Notre Dame. But then I realized that, no, that sticker was on my last car, not this one.

Then I thought you might be a Chevy driver. I drive a Ford, and Chevy drivers tend to hate Fords. But, no, you're a BMW man, so that clearly wasn't the issue.

Then, I finally realized the problem: I did not move quickly enough when the light changed! I did not act with the speed and instinct of the cheetah, potentially delaying you from making your appointed rounds. How could I have been so inconsiderate? I know what it's like to be behind someone sitting at an intersection for almost an eighth of a second. It's like they're saying to you, "I am number one, and you are behind me! I will take my own sweet time getting to my destination because I care not a whit for anyone but myself!"

How selfish I was!

Oh, if only I could do it all over again. Instead of taking my own sweet time, I would crane my neck to see exactly when the opposite light turned from green to yellow. Then, the moment it turned red, I would count, "One one-thousand... Two one-thousand," and then slam on the gas, peeling off exactly as my light turned green. That would have been the decent thing to do.

I'm sure you must be a doctor, and I prevented you from saving someone's life. Or maybe you're a dentist, and you had to do an emergency root canal on the prime minister of Japan. Or maybe you were in danger of missing the series premiere of The Agency. I shouldn't question your motives. All I really need to know is that wherever you were headed, you arrived .000000013 seconds later because of me.

In the end, all I can say is, "Thank you." I have truly learned my lesson. And because of my misdeed, I have decided that I cannot be trusted behind the wheel anymore. From now on, I will only walk. That's right, I am selling my car so that no one will ever risk suffering the terrible fate you did. I can only trust that this act of contrition will let me get by in life with less guilt. Please, forgive me. Please?

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

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