Your Safety Is Our Second Concern

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Vol 33 Issue 23

Donut-Shaped Thing In Kitchen Junk Drawer Has No Discernible Purpose Whatsoever

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Homeowner Gilbert Voss will be damned if he knows what that donut-shaped plastic thing in his kitchen junk drawer is for, it was reported Monday. "It looks like it goes in a tape dispenser or something," Voss said. "But that doesn't explain the little bumps." Voss' wife Helen speculated that the object may have fallen out of her sewing kit, but is similarly baffled by its function. "I guess you could put threads through the little holes around the rim," she said, "but then what would you do with it?"

You Just Have To Get To Know Area Jerk

PLANO, TX—Insufferable local jerk Frederick Schoepke announced Tuesday that he is a pretty decent guy, once you get to know him and see where he's coming from. "I'm not out to piss people off or anything," Schoepke said. "Once you get to know me, you realize I'm just being honest about things. I'm just the type of guy who doesn't bullshit around, you know? If you're straight with me, I'm straight with you." Schoepke further noted that although he might talk a lot, he knows a lot about a lot of stuff.

Brief Ceremony Marks Delivery Boy's Passage Into Delivery Manhood

FOREST HILLS, NY—A brief ceremony Monday marked Queens delivery boy Richie Crowell's ascension into delivery manhood. "Richie, today you are a delivery man," said Gino's Pizzeria owner Gino Torricelli, who presided over the traditional rite-of-passage ceremony, held on a delivery youth's 16th birthday. "Take these pies to 114-54 Corona Avenue, Apt. 4-G."

Bus Rider Clutching Head In Pain Completely Ignored

DETROIT—Area bus passenger Robert Herndon, clutching his head and rocking back and forth in agonized pain, was utterly ignored by fellow bus passengers Tuesday. The 17 other passengers on the bus employed a variety of tactics in ignoring Herndon, including looking out the window, gazing intently at the bus' advertising placards and staring at their own feet. "This is the C bus, right?" passenger Darryl Frost asked another rider in an effort to appear unaware of the moaning, doubled-over man sitting four seats away from him. "It is? Great."

Bilingual Education Under Fire

On June 2, California voters overwhelmingly passed Proposition 227, a measure eliminating bilingual education programs for millions of Spanish-speaking immigrants. What do you think?
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Your Safety Is Our Second Concern

As CEO of Johnson Home Products, manufacturers of quality household appliances and furnishings since 1884, I would like to take a moment to assure you, our valued customer, that your safety is our number-two concern.

Whether you're using a Johnson food processor to prepare a delicious meal for your family, switching on your Johnson track-lighting system to read a book, or installing a new Johnson shelving unit in your children's playroom, you can feel confident knowing that your safety is right near the top of our list. In fact, it's almost number one.

It's a shame, but some companies these days tend to forget about the customer. Maybe it's because they've grown too big and have lost sight of what really matters. Or maybe it's because they just don't want to go the extra mile. Well, here at Johnson, we care about you and your well-being. In fact, it's practically what we care about most.

In every Johnson Home Products factory, there hangs a sign reminding each assembly-line worker what is most important as they put the nuts and bolts into the gas kitchen ranges, ceiling fans and garage-door openers that will find their way into homes like yours all across America. And right below that sign is a smaller, but still very readable, sign reminding those workers that product safety is also somewhat significant.

Even in the planning stages of a Johnson product, long before it reaches store shelves, we sit down and talk about what counts most. And almost every time, someone mentions consumer safety, usually within the first half-hour.

At the federally required Johnson Home Products testing facility in East Brunswick, NJ, we've learned to ask questions: Does this product comply with national standards? Does it pose a risk of any kind? Will it explode if dropped? Sooner or later, nearly all of these questions are brought up for consideration.

Some of those bigger companies, companies that take in more than our average annual revenue of $40 billion, think only about profit and the bottom line. But here at Johnson Home Products, we know there should also be time set aside to think about safety. Now, maybe the safety meeting is a little later in the day, and maybe it isn't mandatory, so not everyone shows up for it, but you'd better believe we're going to keep holding those meetings anyway.

In fact, you can be sure your safety occasionally crosses our mind, because we put the Johnson Pledge Of Quality on every box, right below the product warnings. As my grandfather, Josiah A. Johnson, said when he founded this company more than 100 years ago, "At Johnson, the customer comes second." That's right—not third, not fourth... second. And that's the Johnson promise.

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