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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

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PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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You're All In This Together

No doubt about it, these are tough times for everyone. More and more, it seems like each of us is struggling on a daily basis, wondering whether prosperity and good fortune will ever come our way. Frankly, sometimes it looks as if getting through this difficult period may prove impossible for anyone who isn't me. Yet do not despair, my estranged brothers and sisters in battle, but take heart in knowing that you're all in this together.

The vast majority of us are facing one of the toughest trials I have ever been excluded from facing. And while I realize, from my distant point of view, how daunting it may seem to push forward in the midst of overwhelming adversity, let me assure you this: There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Take it from someone outside the tunnel.

To overcome this nearly collective hurdle, you will all need to come together as one. Each one of you has something unique to contribute to the whole, a part no one else can fill. Certainly not me, since my part is radically different from any of yours.

When you awake each morning, hours before I'll actually get up, ask yourselves what it is that you can be doing to make a difference without my help. Some may accuse me of being naïve, but I firmly believe that if you all work together, there's no telling what you will accomplish without me being involved in any way. The most important thing to remember in all of this is that you have each other. And only each other.

Sometimes an outsider's perspective can be a great benefit. The way I see it, it's crucial, now more than ever before, that everyone pull his or her own weight. And somewhere out there, there's at least one strong, capable person who can pull the weight of two to make up the difference. Mark my words: Absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, can stop you if you all rise up as one (or nearly one), lift your heads skyward with pride, and demand in no uncertain terms to be counted. Not even my complete lack of participation.

The obstacles that lie ahead are bigger than any one person, yet at the same time, they're not so big as to have to include every single individual. I'm convinced that if you all unite in your goal, and I continue to stand way, way off to the side, sooner or later you'll stop noticing my absence altogether.

Look past me as a guide in this.

Please remember, this is not the time for giving in, for backing down, for deciding to walk away. No, that time was a while ago, and I'm afraid it's too late for all of you now. You see, in order to succeed, you must think of yourselves as one big family. And of me as someone who is not in any way related to that family. You must find strength in knowing that if you ever fall down, there will be others right there by your side to pick you up. Those who are good with that sort of thing and who don't have a history of back problems.

Also, during those darkest of hours, don't forget that sacrifice is often necessary to foster change. Please commit this to heart now if you have to, because I certainly won't be around to repeat it later.

I don't envy your task. But if it's any comfort, I'll always be behind you. Far behind you. Way back near the horizon. That small, faint outline of what almost looks like a man, but could be a fence post or telephone pole, or maybe even a heat mirage—that will be me.

So yeah, good luck, and let me know how everything turns out.

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