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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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You're Doomed!

Several nights ago I couldn't sleep a wink due to an ongoing bout of the ague. Restless, I barked at my nurse to open the window so that some fresh air could clear the fetid odor of my bedchamber. As she drew the curtain, she revealed a sight that sent stark terror down my aged and malformed spine. A comet! The hairy-star of lore, the legendary harbinger of doom and portent of evil!

Immediately, I sought the speculations and advice of learned wise-men from the Orient. I clapped my hands, and in came my vizier, my alchemist and my soothsayers three. "What does the coming of this great comet mean?" I asked them. They stroked their long beards in thought and leaned upon their enchanted staffs.

"It ushers in the Great Reckoning," said my vizier.

"It is the chariot of an angry god," said my alchemist.

"There will be a plague of frogs," said my soothsayers three.

Well, be that as it may, one thing is for certain: I shall never permit anyone to commit suicide on my property again! I learned my lesson when Halley's Comet visited in 1910. My mother was out buying a soupbone at the butcher's, and I had agreed to look after the boarding-house. A group of a dozen robe-clad individuals walked in, having seen the "rooms for rent" sign in the window. They gave me $75 in silver and asked if they could kill themselves upstairs. I saw no reason why not, and they soon did the deed by swallowing ant paste and putting feed-bags over their heads. I believe in freedom of religion. I even helped a couple of them along by hitting them with planks.

Well, not long after, mother came home, and you can believe the fuss she raised. We had to pay Police Commissioner McCracken $10,000 to keep the whole incident a secret. Worst business decision I ever made.

Anyway, if you come crawling to my door, crying to be let in because a comet is headed straight for your town, you can just forget it! You are doomed! I have my own hermetically sealed, iron-clad bunker-chamber located some eight miles below the earth's surface, and there will just be room for myself, my valet and 71,000 cans of beets.

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