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You're Going To Love My Balls

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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You're Going To Love My Balls

I envy you, friend. You are a lucky, lucky person. Treasure this moment, because you are about to gaze upon my balls. And you are going to absolutely love them.

I realize that the average person sees a lot of balls in his or her lifetime, but most of those balls are, to put it kindly, sub-par. My balls, however, are beautiful. They are perfect in every way, from the sheen of my scrotal sac to the flawless shape and symmetry of the testicles to the flaxen softness of my pubic hair.

I go to great lengths to make sure my balls are show-quality balls. First and foremost is hygiene, of course: Nobody wants to see unclean balls. And not just any soap will do, as harsh detergents can cause unsightly scratching and mar the surface of the balls. I recommend a gentle, all-natural cleanser, like Dr. Bronner's Eucalyptus or Ayurvedic Olive Oil soap. The night before displays, I use a separate leave-on conditioner, but for everyday use, a good lotion like Neutrogena is all I really need.

Getting my balls clean and soft, however, is only half of it. I used to apply makeup to them, but the effect was far too artificial—the whole idea behind showing your balls in the first place is to showcase their natural beauty, with the emphasis on natural. So I use all-organic carnauba wax to give them a rich, deep luster. Three coats, buff with a hand-held electric orbital polisher, three more, polish again, and top it off with one final hand-rubbing. When you get down to it, there's just no substitute for bearing down on your balls with some good old-fashioned elbow grease. I do it while watching the evening news.

Yes, proper ball care can be a lot of work, but the enjoyment you get from having championship-quality balls is well worth the effort. You'll know what I'm talking about once you get a look at my balls. The sheen, the smoothness—do yourself a favor and get good and close when you're looking at them. You'll actually be able to see your reflection in them, like a kid looking into a fuzzy, fleshy, pink Christmas ornament. Get as close as possible, I don't mind. I do this for your enjoyment.

Now, I'm not one of those people who takes the time to fix something up all nice and then doesn't use it. I can't stand that. I mean, the Spirit of St. Louis hangs for all to see in the National Air & Space Museum, but you never see anyone flying it, do you? Well, like Lindbergh's plane, my balls hang for all to see—but I make sure they're not all show and no go. Anyone who wants to can touch my balls, provided, of course, they handle them gently and are wearing lint-free microfiber gloves. And please, no pulling: This could strain the scrotal sac and cause it to bag out, making it less attractive in appearance.

I promise you this: That magic moment when you first take in the glory of my balls will be one you'll remember for the rest of your life. You will most certainly see my magnificent balls many, many more times in the coming years, but it will never again be quite like the first time. I hope it's as special for you as it has been for thousands of other lucky folks. Enjoy.

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