You're Not One Of Those Couples Who Secretly Videotape Their Nanny, Are You?

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.
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Originality

You're Not One Of Those Couples Who Secretly Videotape Their Nanny, Are You?

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Hegan, you seem like a lovely young couple, and Courtney is an absolute doll. I'd be delighted to accept the job as your new nanny. And, yes, the salary you're offering will be fine, and I live just a mile away, so I can usually be available on short notice. I think this will be a fine arrangement for all involved.

There is, however, one tiny little other thing. I hate to even bring it up, and I'm sure it's not the case, but I'd just feel better double-checking this before we move forward. Ken and Deborah, you're not one of those couples who secretly videotape their nanny, are you?

I only ask because—and I'm sure you'd agree—the erosion of the individual's right to privacy in contemporary America is an unfortunate and disturbing trend. And no example of this trend is more alarming than couples planting a hidden videocamera in their home in an effort to secretly monitor the woman responsible for taking care of their children while they're out.

It's just ridiculous these days, the way people are videotaping each other left and right like some kind of Orwellian nightmare. If we're going to be so mistrustful of people, why not place a police officer in every home? Sure, it would probably cut down on crime, but at what cost? Just because some nannies steal jewelry or slap kids doesn't mean all the others should be treated like they're guilty, too. Do you really want to live in a world where we assume the worst of each other, and go to incredibly invasive lengths to prove it?

And how reliable are these electronic sentry systems, anyway? They can't possibly catch a perpetrator from all available angles. You can't mount a camera in every corner of the house, can you? No. That would be prohibitively expensive. So if someone were to, say, scream in a child's ear for 20 straight minutes for spilling grape Kool-Aid, they could easily find some remote closet or crawl space to do it in. Isn't it futile to spend so much time and energy trying to peep illicitly at a decent, honest citizen who's just trying to earn a living?

Let's also not forget the poor image quality of these videotapes. You've heard how a camera can add 10 pounds. Who's to say it doesn't also make swats on a child's hind-end with a wooden spoon look far more painful than they truly are? I've seen some of these tapes of bad nannies in action, and it's often impossible to tell what they're even doing. Are you going to put your faith in grainy, out-of-focus video footage, or are you going to put your faith in people? It's your choice.

Did you notice how I didn't ask for my first paycheck up front? Of course I didn't. Because I trust you. Let's think for a moment about that word. "Trust." What kind of world would it be if nobody trusted anybody else? Why, it would be the most awful place imaginable. No one could eat dinner without fearing it was poisoned, or go to bed without searching the sheets for scorpions. People who can't trust their fellow man don't go very far at all.

The great Benjamin Franklin once said, "They that can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty or safety." Wise words, indeed.

I once worked for a couple who liked to secretly tape their nanny, and I found them to be extremely unpleasant—the kind of cranky, half-cocked people who fire nannies at the drop of a hat. Well, phooey on them! I was glad to be rid of them. In fact, I didn't even save their name or address, because, hey, who needs references from jerks like that? Not me, that's for sure.

I'm just a harmless old woman, and I sure don't stand much chance against some big, intrusive police state. But maybe my voice and message can inspire others. Maybe I can do my small part to bring about a world where privacy is considered a sacred right, and the act of secretly taping somebody defecating in the laundry chute of an unfair employer is punishable by law.

So, I beg you, Ken and Deborah, don't let evil win by insisting on surreptitiously taping me. I'm counting on you to take the high road.

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