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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

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What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

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Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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Zing! I Just Got You With Another One Of My Trademark 'Complete Lies'

Gotcha!

Fooled you, didn't I? You actually thought I'd picked up the cake for Steve's going-away party on my way to work and put it in the breakroom fridge? You know, like I said I did? Zing! Looks like you're just the latest victim of one of my trademark "complete lies."

Ba-DOOM! That's another one for me! I am the King Of The Untruth! Phillip one, you nothing!

Since you're kind of new here, perhaps this calls for a little explanation. Basically, you've just been completely lied to. Or, as we call it around here, "Philliped."

Don't feel bad. You're not the first to fall for one of my lies. In fact, I do it so often that it's sort of become my trademark. You know how Fonzie had that thing where he started the jukebox by banging on it? Or Mother Teresa's thing was being really nice to poor people and helping them? Well, my "thing" is making up a bunch of stuff that's untrue and then insisting, with the utmost sincerity and conviction, that it is!

It's a little trick I invented as a kid. One day, when I was 5 or 6 years old, I was playing with an older boy, and I threw a rock at a neighbor's basement window and broke it. I started crying and saying the other kid pushed me into the window and that my foot went through. Well, not only did he get the blame, but I got treated to ice cream by my mother! Isn't that a riot? That was the beginning of a long and hilarious career in saying stuff that has no basis in reality.

Yes, I'm famous—actually, infamous is more like it—for my lies around the office. Just the other day, I told Esteban, the night custodian, that he was getting a $375-a-month raise, starting Sept. 1. Well, I'm just a sales representative, not the guy who gives raises. But Esteban didn't know that! Man, the look on his face when he finds out he's been Philliped will be priceless! With any luck, he'll have already factored the extra money into his family budget and spent some of it on new clothes for his children or something like that. What a boob!

I'll never forget the first time I Philliped Bob down in shipping. He completely believed that I would stick around after work to give him a ride home. My only regret is that I wasn't there to see his reaction when Karen the receptionist told him I left promptly at 5 p.m. like I always do.

What I do is a real art form, you know. It's not easy to pull off a proper "Phillip job." There's more to it than simply spouting off any lie that pops into your head. You can't just say, for instance, "I can destroy cities with my mind," or "These shoes cost $4.5 million." People can see right through claims like that. The lies have to be realistic. And, while I don't want to give away all my trade secrets, I will say that statements that include more personal details tend to work better, such as, "I have to miss work because my mother is sick," or "I'm infertile." People are also more likely to believe you if your statement includes an offer of help, like, "Sure, I'll watch your bag," or "I know CPR!" These are just the fundamentals I'm talking about; it takes years to get to my level of expertise.

One of my favorite things is when, after I've delivered another one of my classic Phillips, people ask, "Seriously? Is that true?" I just look them square in the eye and say, "Yes." There's a science to doing that. I can't stretch my face all out and go, "Oh, yeah, YEAH!" or they would get suspicious. It's much better for them to see the earnestness in my face and instinctively trust me, only to realize later that I was Philliping them.

I realize you may be upset about falling for my latest "complete lie," but I assure you that it's all in good fun. Tell you what: To show that there's no hard feelings, let me buy you dinner after work tonight. Go to Antoine's Bistro on Seventh Avenue, walk right past the maitre d', and sit down in the booth marked "Reserved" by the window. If they give you any trouble, just let them know you're waiting for me. I'll be there at 8.

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