Zweibel Gets Nostalgic

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Zweibel Gets Nostalgic

How I wish I was a young boy again, happily playing shuttle-cock and whisk-the-whippet with my little chums!

One of my favorite games was called the Hopping-Scotch. As I recall, we would take a piece of lime-stone and draw an elongated rectangle, and then divide the rectangle into a number of self-contained sections. Each of us took turns pitching the lime-stone into one of the sections, and then we would hop on one foot in each section to collect the lime-stone. Should one of us chance to stumble or toss the lime-stone out-side the pattern, that individual was shunned and forced to sing:

Sing a-hey holly golly, Anthony Rowley/With a heigh-ho tiddly-fie-fie!

I have failed at the Hopping-Scotch/And shall not get some pie.

But, I must say, the good old days were not always good. It is a wonder I lived to be so old, when one pauses to consider the constant perils I encountered through-out my youth.

For example, by the time I was five years of age, I had suffered the whooping-cough, pleurisy, rheumatism, the swine-pox, and an extremely rare disorder known to medical science only as "the feathers." I was considered so sickly that, at one point, my father insisted on having my feet pierced and my body exposed to the buzzards, but my blessed mother threw her body over my cradle, refusing to allow her first-born to come to harm.

I was not the only one to have malady and disaster befall him. My younger sister Ida Lucretia had been as merry and gay as a spring zephyr. One day, when she was seven, she put her index finger too close to an operating spinning-wheel and received a small cut. Three hours later, Ida Lucretia succumbed to gangrene-fever.

Then there were the prairie wild-fires, cyclones and dust-storms to contend with. Not to mention the fearsome and wholly unpredictable passenger-pigeon attacks. Evil, ruthless brutes! It was a great day indeed when man finally decimated those winged demons!

Talking about the old days has dredged up bad memories. I wish to speak no more of it. Begone!