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Zweibel Goes A-Courtin'

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Zweibel Goes A-Courtin'

The estate was awash in jollity and good tidings this week during the wedding of my great-great-great grandniece Violet Carstairs Zweibel to some pansy who is heir to a vast gelatin fortune. Though the ceremony was held in my own court-yard, I was locked in my bed-chamber, doubtless out of fear that I would create a scene. Lousy ingrate family of mine!

During the wedding, whilst gazing through my bed-chamber window, I spied an enchanting milk-maid strolling on the estate grounds. I was transfixed by her beauty, and the wedding made me nostalgic for my courting days. I resolved that I must have this fair maiden as my wife. The mourning period for my late wife had surpassed the customary 60 years, and I was ready to take off my black crepe armband and don my seersucker courting suit once again.

With a box of sweet-meats and bouquet of posies in tow, my manservant Standish wheeled me out to the servants' huts where the milk-maid dwelled. Standish knocked at her door, and out she emerged, her skin as white as the milk she drew from cows' udders. He presented the gifts to her, and told her that there was a man of immense wealth and prominence who wished to make her his bride. Her eyes registered amazement, and with breathless delight she asked who this wonderful man was.

Standish stepped back to reveal, if I may say, quite a dapper old gentleman. I even wore my prosthetic ears and iron dentures for the occasion. Determined to show my love for her, I mustered all my strength to raise what remained of my fore-arms and asked for her sweet embrace.

A look of sheer terror filled her face. She dropped the gifts and slammed her door. Furious, I summoned my Swiss Guard to storm her hovel and drag her out, but they could not find her. She must have escaped through the back window. Bloodhounds in tow, the guards searched for hours in a driving tempest. They finally found her, floating face-down in a drainage ditch some 200 yards from my estate.

The girl chose suicide over marriage to me, bless her heart! It's happened before. But I'm much too old for this love nonsense anyhow. Nurse! Stoke my hot-water bottle, it's getting cold!

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