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Zweibelmas Is Becoming Too Commercial

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Zweibelmas Is Becoming Too Commercial

Another Zweibelmas has come and gone. I wish I could say that it was the most joyous one yet, but, sadly, I cannot. And it is not because Zweibelmas-Day, Sept. 21, coincided with some Jew holiday. My disappointment stems from the fact that, in recent years, Zweibelmas has become increasingly commercial, and the American public has lost sight of the true meaning of the holiday.

As you no doubt know, every Zweibelmas-Eve, the Fairy Zweibel-Child, believed to be the spirit of my still-born infant twin Y. Josiah, arises from the Zweibel family mausoleum to deliver toys and candy to myself.

True, the acquisition of sundries is a key tradition of Zweibelmas, and I cannot fault the fathers and mothers of the Republic for braving aggressive crowds at the dry-goods proprietorships to get their hands on a coveted Zweibelmas toy for their little shavers, such as a top or Uncle Sam mechanical-bank. As a plutocrat and robber-baron, I have long held the dollar in far greater esteem than the welfare of the masses. All the same, I must assert that there is far more meaning to Zweibelmas than simple material gain. The real objective of Zweibelmas is not to award one another with gaily wrapped trifles, but rather to honor, cherish and celebrate all things Zweibel.

So next Zweibelmas-Day, as you are about to enjoy your traditional Zweibelmas dinner of goose gizzards and blood-pudding, pause to consider for a moment what this world would be like with nary a Zweibel walking upon its face:

The Great Republic of the United-States would stop at the Wabash River, and those out-side it would speak Chinee.

The gentle-men of the Republic would still fasten their celluloid collars with four collar-buttons. (Thanks to my unrelenting pressure on the sartorial trade in the mid-1890s, men were spared this oppressive style and, to this day, fasten their collars with only two buttons.)

Every-one would earn a decent wage, with insurance for their health, and own a home with heat and running-water.

Most important, there would be no Onion, the greatest source of news-worthy items in the Republic. You'd have to get your news from Grit, and that would be a pity.

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