Zweibelmas Is Becoming Too Commercial

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.
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Zweibelmas Is Becoming Too Commercial

Another Zweibelmas has come and gone. I wish I could say that it was the most joyous one yet, but, sadly, I cannot. And it is not because Zweibelmas-Day, Sept. 21, coincided with some Jew holiday. My disappointment stems from the fact that, in recent years, Zweibelmas has become increasingly commercial, and the American public has lost sight of the true meaning of the holiday.

As you no doubt know, every Zweibelmas-Eve, the Fairy Zweibel-Child, believed to be the spirit of my still-born infant twin Y. Josiah, arises from the Zweibel family mausoleum to deliver toys and candy to myself.

True, the acquisition of sundries is a key tradition of Zweibelmas, and I cannot fault the fathers and mothers of the Republic for braving aggressive crowds at the dry-goods proprietorships to get their hands on a coveted Zweibelmas toy for their little shavers, such as a top or Uncle Sam mechanical-bank. As a plutocrat and robber-baron, I have long held the dollar in far greater esteem than the welfare of the masses. All the same, I must assert that there is far more meaning to Zweibelmas than simple material gain. The real objective of Zweibelmas is not to award one another with gaily wrapped trifles, but rather to honor, cherish and celebrate all things Zweibel.

So next Zweibelmas-Day, as you are about to enjoy your traditional Zweibelmas dinner of goose gizzards and blood-pudding, pause to consider for a moment what this world would be like with nary a Zweibel walking upon its face:

The Great Republic of the United-States would stop at the Wabash River, and those out-side it would speak Chinee.

The gentle-men of the Republic would still fasten their celluloid collars with four collar-buttons. (Thanks to my unrelenting pressure on the sartorial trade in the mid-1890s, men were spared this oppressive style and, to this day, fasten their collars with only two buttons.)

Every-one would earn a decent wage, with insurance for their health, and own a home with heat and running-water.

Most important, there would be no Onion, the greatest source of news-worthy items in the Republic. You'd have to get your news from Grit, and that would be a pity.