Zweibelmas Is Becoming Too Commercial

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Vol 34 Issue 08

Dennis Miller Deeply Concerned About Long-Distance Service

Comedian Dennis Miller momentarily turned serious Monday to address the critical issue of long-distance service. "When the people at 10-10-220 brought to my attention the savings Americans are losing with every call they make using other carriers, I knew something had to be done," Miller said. "I could not stand by in good conscience while millions of innocent people went uninformed about which long-distance service offers the best rates." Added Miller: "The madness must end. All calls up to 20 minutes are just 99 cents."

Touring Company Of Cats Prepares For Yet Another Day In The Goddamn Catsuits

ST. LOUIS–Members of the national touring company of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats steeled themselves Monday for yet another day in the goddamn catsuits. "One of these days, my agent is going to land me a TV or movie role and get me out of this living nightmare," said Jonathan Belinsky, gluing whiskers onto his face and wriggling into a fur-covered bodysuit for his role as Mr. Mistoffolees. "I can't take much more of this." Stephanie Watrous, who has played Jennyanydots for eight agonizing years, said, "Each day, I pray for sweet release from the hideous quasi-feline mockery that my life has become. Where are we today? Spokane?" Six suicides have plagued the touring company in the past year, with three of them occurring during performances of the song "Memory."

Second Hour In Fabric Store Nearly Kills Eight-Year-Old

COVINGTON, KY–Local 8-year-old William Haney is listed in stable condition following Sunday's near-fatal two-hour excursion to Martha's Fabric Outlet on Route 23 near Cincinnati. Dragged to the store by his mother, 36-year-old Carolyn Haney, who was reportedly obsessed with finding the perfect fabric for new bathroom curtains, Haney wandered the aisles for more than an hour in search of anything of remote interest. "After making his 12th walking tour of the entire store, gazing listlessly upon bolt after identical bolt of fabric, William collapsed from what is commonly known as a massive boredom attack," said St. Joseph's Hospital spokesperson Andrew Peele. "He was literally seconds from death when his mother finally purchased three yards of a floral print and left the store." Emergency doses of comic books and candy were administered to Haney, upgrading his condition.

Expense-Account Wizard Transforms Prostitute Into Color Copies

CHICAGO–In a remarkable feat of expense-account wizardry, Chicago marketing executive Edgar Furness transformed a prostitute into 250 color copies Monday. Furness, who enjoyed a half-hour of sodomy with prostitute Chantel LaRue during a business trip to Dallas last week, magically turned the sexual encounter into a stack of colorful, easy-to-read pie charts created at Kinko's for a presentation to clients. Furness was reimbursed $58.93 for the tryst.

Impeach Clinton?

With Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's report now in the American people's hands, talk has turned to the prospect of impeaching the president. What do you think?
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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

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Healthy Eating

Zweibelmas Is Becoming Too Commercial

Another Zweibelmas has come and gone. I wish I could say that it was the most joyous one yet, but, sadly, I cannot. And it is not because Zweibelmas-Day, Sept. 21, coincided with some Jew holiday. My disappointment stems from the fact that, in recent years, Zweibelmas has become increasingly commercial, and the American public has lost sight of the true meaning of the holiday.

As you no doubt know, every Zweibelmas-Eve, the Fairy Zweibel-Child, believed to be the spirit of my still-born infant twin Y. Josiah, arises from the Zweibel family mausoleum to deliver toys and candy to myself.

True, the acquisition of sundries is a key tradition of Zweibelmas, and I cannot fault the fathers and mothers of the Republic for braving aggressive crowds at the dry-goods proprietorships to get their hands on a coveted Zweibelmas toy for their little shavers, such as a top or Uncle Sam mechanical-bank. As a plutocrat and robber-baron, I have long held the dollar in far greater esteem than the welfare of the masses. All the same, I must assert that there is far more meaning to Zweibelmas than simple material gain. The real objective of Zweibelmas is not to award one another with gaily wrapped trifles, but rather to honor, cherish and celebrate all things Zweibel.

So next Zweibelmas-Day, as you are about to enjoy your traditional Zweibelmas dinner of goose gizzards and blood-pudding, pause to consider for a moment what this world would be like with nary a Zweibel walking upon its face:

The Great Republic of the United-States would stop at the Wabash River, and those out-side it would speak Chinee.

The gentle-men of the Republic would still fasten their celluloid collars with four collar-buttons. (Thanks to my unrelenting pressure on the sartorial trade in the mid-1890s, men were spared this oppressive style and, to this day, fasten their collars with only two buttons.)

Every-one would earn a decent wage, with insurance for their health, and own a home with heat and running-water.

Most important, there would be no Onion, the greatest source of news-worthy items in the Republic. You'd have to get your news from Grit, and that would be a pity.

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