adBlockCheck

Recent News

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.
End Of Section
  • More News

Zweibelmas Is Becoming Too Commercial

Another Zweibelmas has come and gone. I wish I could say that it was the most joyous one yet, but, sadly, I cannot. And it is not because Zweibelmas-Day, Sept. 21, coincided with some Jew holiday. My disappointment stems from the fact that, in recent years, Zweibelmas has become increasingly commercial, and the American public has lost sight of the true meaning of the holiday.

As you no doubt know, every Zweibelmas-Eve, the Fairy Zweibel-Child, believed to be the spirit of my still-born infant twin Y. Josiah, arises from the Zweibel family mausoleum to deliver toys and candy to myself.

True, the acquisition of sundries is a key tradition of Zweibelmas, and I cannot fault the fathers and mothers of the Republic for braving aggressive crowds at the dry-goods proprietorships to get their hands on a coveted Zweibelmas toy for their little shavers, such as a top or Uncle Sam mechanical-bank. As a plutocrat and robber-baron, I have long held the dollar in far greater esteem than the welfare of the masses. All the same, I must assert that there is far more meaning to Zweibelmas than simple material gain. The real objective of Zweibelmas is not to award one another with gaily wrapped trifles, but rather to honor, cherish and celebrate all things Zweibel.

So next Zweibelmas-Day, as you are about to enjoy your traditional Zweibelmas dinner of goose gizzards and blood-pudding, pause to consider for a moment what this world would be like with nary a Zweibel walking upon its face:

The Great Republic of the United-States would stop at the Wabash River, and those out-side it would speak Chinee.

The gentle-men of the Republic would still fasten their celluloid collars with four collar-buttons. (Thanks to my unrelenting pressure on the sartorial trade in the mid-1890s, men were spared this oppressive style and, to this day, fasten their collars with only two buttons.)

Every-one would earn a decent wage, with insurance for their health, and own a home with heat and running-water.

Most important, there would be no Onion, the greatest source of news-worthy items in the Republic. You'd have to get your news from Grit, and that would be a pity.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close