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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Zweibelmas Is Coming!

September 21 may still be a long way off, but only the foolhardy would neglect to begin preparations for Zweibelmas. Zweibelmas has been so long a part of the American consciousness that only foreigners and the feeble-minded are ignorant of this great holiday. To those individuals I say begone! The world has no place for you! For the benefit of the tiny tots, however, I will recount the great traditions and lore of the Zweibelmas. With the use of a cutting shears, parents may wish to cut out and save the following column, taking care not to spoil the many fine advertisements flanking it:

Zweibelmas Is Coming!
By Your Kindly Old Uncle Zweibel

Zweibelmas is coming! Fatten the goose! Wear newspaper hats! Many magical things happen at Zweibelmas-tide, and perchance they could happen to you!

On Zweibelmas, all pajamas and night-gowns will be miraculously cleansed of all urine and feces stains.

Mud will congeal to an ideal consistency, enabling one to fashion the most tempting mud pies.

It is the only time of the year when one may play stick-the-jug without punishment by imprisonment and forced labor.

The wireless shall only broadcast Zweibel hymns, such as the revered old chestnuts "Sing I For The Joy Of Zweibel" and "The Zweibel In The Dell."

All citizens of the land will be permitted to learn one more letter of the alphabet.

The Fairy Zweibel-Child, who according to legend is the spirit of my deceased infant twin Y. Josiah, will come down to deliver candy and toys to myself.

And, children, if you yourselves are very, very good, you may wake on the enchanted Zweibelmas-morn to find half-a-turnip in your gruel!

Sing hey nonny nonny and a stout guinea hen for Zweibelmas! I am reduced to jelly just thinking about it! It's what keeps me young at heart and filled with good cheer. Seasons greetings to you and yours!

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