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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Zweibelmas Is Coming!

September 21 may still be a long way off, but only the foolhardy would neglect to begin preparations for Zweibelmas. Zweibelmas has been so long a part of the American consciousness that only foreigners and the feeble-minded are ignorant of this great holiday. To those individuals I say begone! The world has no place for you! For the benefit of the tiny tots, however, I will recount the great traditions and lore of the Zweibelmas. With the use of a cutting shears, parents may wish to cut out and save the following column, taking care not to spoil the many fine advertisements flanking it:

Zweibelmas Is Coming!
By Your Kindly Old Uncle Zweibel

Zweibelmas is coming! Fatten the goose! Wear newspaper hats! Many magical things happen at Zweibelmas-tide, and perchance they could happen to you!

On Zweibelmas, all pajamas and night-gowns will be miraculously cleansed of all urine and feces stains.

Mud will congeal to an ideal consistency, enabling one to fashion the most tempting mud pies.

It is the only time of the year when one may play stick-the-jug without punishment by imprisonment and forced labor.

The wireless shall only broadcast Zweibel hymns, such as the revered old chestnuts "Sing I For The Joy Of Zweibel" and "The Zweibel In The Dell."

All citizens of the land will be permitted to learn one more letter of the alphabet.

The Fairy Zweibel-Child, who according to legend is the spirit of my deceased infant twin Y. Josiah, will come down to deliver candy and toys to myself.

And, children, if you yourselves are very, very good, you may wake on the enchanted Zweibelmas-morn to find half-a-turnip in your gruel!

Sing hey nonny nonny and a stout guinea hen for Zweibelmas! I am reduced to jelly just thinking about it! It's what keeps me young at heart and filled with good cheer. Seasons greetings to you and yours!

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