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Zweibelmas Is Coming!

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Zweibelmas Is Coming!

September 21 may still be a long way off, but only the foolhardy would neglect to begin preparations for Zweibelmas. Zweibelmas has been so long a part of the American consciousness that only foreigners and the feeble-minded are ignorant of this great holiday. To those individuals I say begone! The world has no place for you! For the benefit of the tiny tots, however, I will recount the great traditions and lore of the Zweibelmas. With the use of a cutting shears, parents may wish to cut out and save the following column, taking care not to spoil the many fine advertisements flanking it:

Zweibelmas Is Coming!
By Your Kindly Old Uncle Zweibel

Zweibelmas is coming! Fatten the goose! Wear newspaper hats! Many magical things happen at Zweibelmas-tide, and perchance they could happen to you!

On Zweibelmas, all pajamas and night-gowns will be miraculously cleansed of all urine and feces stains.

Mud will congeal to an ideal consistency, enabling one to fashion the most tempting mud pies.

It is the only time of the year when one may play stick-the-jug without punishment by imprisonment and forced labor.

The wireless shall only broadcast Zweibel hymns, such as the revered old chestnuts "Sing I For The Joy Of Zweibel" and "The Zweibel In The Dell."

All citizens of the land will be permitted to learn one more letter of the alphabet.

The Fairy Zweibel-Child, who according to legend is the spirit of my deceased infant twin Y. Josiah, will come down to deliver candy and toys to myself.

And, children, if you yourselves are very, very good, you may wake on the enchanted Zweibelmas-morn to find half-a-turnip in your gruel!

Sing hey nonny nonny and a stout guinea hen for Zweibelmas! I am reduced to jelly just thinking about it! It's what keeps me young at heart and filled with good cheer. Seasons greetings to you and yours!

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