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Zweibelmas Is Coming!

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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Zweibelmas Is Coming!

September 21 may still be a long way off, but only the foolhardy would neglect to begin preparations for Zweibelmas. Zweibelmas has been so long a part of the American consciousness that only foreigners and the feeble-minded are ignorant of this great holiday. To those individuals I say begone! The world has no place for you! For the benefit of the tiny tots, however, I will recount the great traditions and lore of the Zweibelmas. With the use of a cutting shears, parents may wish to cut out and save the following column, taking care not to spoil the many fine advertisements flanking it:

Zweibelmas Is Coming!
By Your Kindly Old Uncle Zweibel

Zweibelmas is coming! Fatten the goose! Wear newspaper hats! Many magical things happen at Zweibelmas-tide, and perchance they could happen to you!

On Zweibelmas, all pajamas and night-gowns will be miraculously cleansed of all urine and feces stains.

Mud will congeal to an ideal consistency, enabling one to fashion the most tempting mud pies.

It is the only time of the year when one may play stick-the-jug without punishment by imprisonment and forced labor.

The wireless shall only broadcast Zweibel hymns, such as the revered old chestnuts "Sing I For The Joy Of Zweibel" and "The Zweibel In The Dell."

All citizens of the land will be permitted to learn one more letter of the alphabet.

The Fairy Zweibel-Child, who according to legend is the spirit of my deceased infant twin Y. Josiah, will come down to deliver candy and toys to myself.

And, children, if you yourselves are very, very good, you may wake on the enchanted Zweibelmas-morn to find half-a-turnip in your gruel!

Sing hey nonny nonny and a stout guinea hen for Zweibelmas! I am reduced to jelly just thinking about it! It's what keeps me young at heart and filled with good cheer. Seasons greetings to you and yours!

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