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NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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Zweibel's ABCs

I was recently informed that quite a large number of Americans remain illiterate, a fact I initially considered good news. Once people are taught to read, I reasoned, in a flash the wealthy and powerful will find their severed heads atop pikes! But then I realized: If every-body is illiterate, there will be no-one able to read The Onion, the Republic's finest herald of news-worthy events! There-fore, I have composed an alphabet-primer to tutor the nation's unlettered masses. I am only doing this once, so look sharp:

A is for Absinthe, for which I now thirst,

B is for Bastard, such as William Randolph Hearst;

C is for Centaur, magical beast of lore,

D is for Death, which is constantly at my door;

E is for my Estate, which has 652 rooms,

F is for the Foreigners who seal the Republic's doom;

G is for Gangrene, eating my foot, to my shame,

H is for Herman, my beautiful middle name;

I is for Illuminate, synonymous with "elucidate,"

J is for the vicious Jackals which I often hallucinate;

K is for Kaiser, or Wilhelm as he is known,

L is for my Leprosy, which I fear has rather grown;

M is for Misery, rarely from it do I stir,

N is for Nurse; where is that filthy cur?

O is for Obtuse, describing my sons to a T,

P is for Pornography--Is there any around for me?

Q is for Quinsy, another malady of mine,

R is for Rudy Vallee, curse the vulgar swine!

S is for the Spaniards, our enemies across the sea,

T is for the Tin of the ro-bot who so hates me!

U is for Ugly, Urine, Unfortunate and Upset,

V is for my Vitality, drained by this alphabet;

W is for Whig, a party I have long despised,

X is for Xenophobe, which I am, you've doubt-less surmised;

Y is for Yellow, the sallow color of my skin,

Z, of course, is for the Zweibels, the great newspaper-man and his kin!

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