adBlockCheck

Zweibel's ABCs

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Zweibel's ABCs

I was recently informed that quite a large number of Americans remain illiterate, a fact I initially considered good news. Once people are taught to read, I reasoned, in a flash the wealthy and powerful will find their severed heads atop pikes! But then I realized: If every-body is illiterate, there will be no-one able to read The Onion, the Republic's finest herald of news-worthy events! There-fore, I have composed an alphabet-primer to tutor the nation's unlettered masses. I am only doing this once, so look sharp:

A is for Absinthe, for which I now thirst,

B is for Bastard, such as William Randolph Hearst;

C is for Centaur, magical beast of lore,

D is for Death, which is constantly at my door;

E is for my Estate, which has 652 rooms,

F is for the Foreigners who seal the Republic's doom;

G is for Gangrene, eating my foot, to my shame,

H is for Herman, my beautiful middle name;

I is for Illuminate, synonymous with "elucidate,"

J is for the vicious Jackals which I often hallucinate;

K is for Kaiser, or Wilhelm as he is known,

L is for my Leprosy, which I fear has rather grown;

M is for Misery, rarely from it do I stir,

N is for Nurse; where is that filthy cur?

O is for Obtuse, describing my sons to a T,

P is for Pornography--Is there any around for me?

Q is for Quinsy, another malady of mine,

R is for Rudy Vallee, curse the vulgar swine!

S is for the Spaniards, our enemies across the sea,

T is for the Tin of the ro-bot who so hates me!

U is for Ugly, Urine, Unfortunate and Upset,

V is for my Vitality, drained by this alphabet;

W is for Whig, a party I have long despised,

X is for Xenophobe, which I am, you've doubt-less surmised;

Y is for Yellow, the sallow color of my skin,

Z, of course, is for the Zweibels, the great newspaper-man and his kin!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close