I was recently informed that quite a large number of Americans remain illiterate, a fact I initially considered good news. Once people are taught to read, I reasoned, in a flash the wealthy and powerful will find their severed heads atop pikes! But then I realized: If every-body is illiterate, there will be no-one able to read The Onion, the Republic's finest herald of news-worthy events! There-fore, I have composed an alphabet-primer to tutor the nation's unlettered masses. I am only doing this once, so look sharp:
A is for Absinthe, for which I now thirst,
B is for Bastard, such as William Randolph Hearst;
C is for Centaur, magical beast of lore,
D is for Death, which is constantly at my door;
E is for my Estate, which has 652 rooms,
F is for the Foreigners who seal the Republic's doom;
G is for Gangrene, eating my foot, to my shame,
H is for Herman, my beautiful middle name;
I is for Illuminate, synonymous with "elucidate,"
J is for the vicious Jackals which I often hallucinate;
K is for Kaiser, or Wilhelm as he is known,
L is for my Leprosy, which I fear has rather grown;
M is for Misery, rarely from it do I stir,
N is for Nurse; where is that filthy cur?
O is for Obtuse, describing my sons to a T,
P is for Pornography--Is there any around for me?
Q is for Quinsy, another malady of mine,
R is for Rudy Vallee, curse the vulgar swine!
S is for the Spaniards, our enemies across the sea,
T is for the Tin of the ro-bot who so hates me!
U is for Ugly, Urine, Unfortunate and Upset,
V is for my Vitality, drained by this alphabet;
W is for Whig, a party I have long despised,
X is for Xenophobe, which I am, you've doubt-less surmised;
Y is for Yellow, the sallow color of my skin,
Z, of course, is for the Zweibels, the great newspaper-man and his kin!