Zweibel's ABCs

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

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Zweibel's ABCs

I was recently informed that quite a large number of Americans remain illiterate, a fact I initially considered good news. Once people are taught to read, I reasoned, in a flash the wealthy and powerful will find their severed heads atop pikes! But then I realized: If every-body is illiterate, there will be no-one able to read The Onion, the Republic's finest herald of news-worthy events! There-fore, I have composed an alphabet-primer to tutor the nation's unlettered masses. I am only doing this once, so look sharp:

A is for Absinthe, for which I now thirst,

B is for Bastard, such as William Randolph Hearst;

C is for Centaur, magical beast of lore,

D is for Death, which is constantly at my door;

E is for my Estate, which has 652 rooms,

F is for the Foreigners who seal the Republic's doom;

G is for Gangrene, eating my foot, to my shame,

H is for Herman, my beautiful middle name;

I is for Illuminate, synonymous with "elucidate,"

J is for the vicious Jackals which I often hallucinate;

K is for Kaiser, or Wilhelm as he is known,

L is for my Leprosy, which I fear has rather grown;

M is for Misery, rarely from it do I stir,

N is for Nurse; where is that filthy cur?

O is for Obtuse, describing my sons to a T,

P is for Pornography--Is there any around for me?

Q is for Quinsy, another malady of mine,

R is for Rudy Vallee, curse the vulgar swine!

S is for the Spaniards, our enemies across the sea,

T is for the Tin of the ro-bot who so hates me!

U is for Ugly, Urine, Unfortunate and Upset,

V is for my Vitality, drained by this alphabet;

W is for Whig, a party I have long despised,

X is for Xenophobe, which I am, you've doubt-less surmised;

Y is for Yellow, the sallow color of my skin,

Z, of course, is for the Zweibels, the great newspaper-man and his kin!